I hate doing any work outside the front door. Ie, sweeping the path, washing a car etc, because I can't bear the feeling of 👀 eyes burning into me.
This isn't a "they're looking at me seeing my greatness thing. It's more" they are laughing at me, seeing all my shadow aspects" type of thing.

So I told T that I really needed to go out the front and sweep the mess up the grass cutters had left.
I told myself to man up and get out there.

T said - that feeling of being watched comes from having been let down to early instead of how we all are eventually in time and gradually.

Your adoptive mothers gaze should have been loving, showed her care for you. It wasn't. Which leads to us becoming aware much to early of our needs which leads to shame. Because they're not being met. They're not being seamlessly attended too.

Which leads to that feeling that others couldn't possibly be anything other than uncaring, judgemental, sinister. Their gaze becomes oppressive Because you've never had that experience when young of being contained, learning to trust the good in others.

I could fill my mind filtering that info . Slotting into place. Putting words and reasoning into the broken slots that reacts without thought or knowledge to that feeling when outside.

It is my truth because it resonated so much when she explained that.

I doubt there will be immediate change. But like so many things that happen in therapy, it will drip slowly into my consciousness

[Elio]

Does your T ever indicate how young that is?

Originally Posted by Elio

Does your T ever indicate how young that is?

From first moments onwards. Very young.

[TishaBuv]

I hadn’t ever thought about that before. Thank you for relaying it.

I was told from very young that ‘no one is looking at you anyway’ by my older sisters. If I was saying that my clothes didn’t look good or my hair, for example, that’s what they’d tell me. So I have sort of the opposite anxiety as you do about scornful eyes upon me. For me, it’s ‘nobody’s looking’ no matter what I do.

[unaluna]

Where do i send the cheque?

My t missed this one. I told him the same thing, that i didnt like leaving the apartment to take out the trash or do the laundry; all eyes are on me. When in fact it is a benevolent atmosphere - i just never remember it as such and am always surprised.

Tisha - i got the same treatment - being told i would had NO value until I gained sexual currency. Really demeaning.

As a child I use to imagine everyone was looking at me, feeling pity for me. A child has limited knowledge in what, why, how. That brought me shame. Because I wanted it but felt ashamed for wanting it. Which is precisely what T explained.
I was constantly repeating my earlier life.
Being aware to soon of natural needs and feeling ashamed as if it was unnatural because of how my adoptive mother could or wouldn't attend to them.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Where do i send the cheque?

My t missed this one. I told him the same thing, that i didnt like leaving the apartment to take out the trash or do the laundry; all eyes are on me. When in fact it is a benevolent atmosphere - i just never remember it as such and am always surprised.

Tisha - i got the same treatment - being told i would had NO value until I gained sexual currency. Really demeaning.

I also became sexual so anyone would notice me. Yes, sexuality as currency. Told ‘go get a friend with a car.’

For the OP feeling too visible or for those of us feeling invisible, neither of us are accurate. The truth is we are visible but people are mostly all just focused on themselves.

[/QUOTE]

For the OP feeling too visible or for those of us feeling invisible, neither of us are accurate. The truth is we are visible but people are mostly all just focused on themselves.[/QUOTE]

AH, but that's logical. Don't forget we're dealing with feelings..

[TishaBuv]

For the OP feeling too visible or for those of us feeling invisible, neither of us are accurate. The truth is we are visible but people are mostly all just focused on themselves.[/QUOTE]

AH, but that's logical. Don't forget we're dealing with feelings..[/QUOTE]

I understand and those feelings are so ingrained that logic convincing us is extremely difficult.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

For the OP feeling too visible or for those of us feeling invisible, neither of us are accurate. The truth is we are visible but people are mostly all just focused on themselves.

AH, but that's logical. Don't forget we're dealing with feelings..[/QUOTE]

I understand and those feelings are so ingrained that logic convincing us is extremely difficult.[/QUOTE]

For sure. That's why Ts verbalising it helps build a different narrative. That I then think about and through thinking change happens.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I understand and those feelings are so ingrained that logic convincing us is extremely difficult.

And thats where The Relationship With The T comes in, for me. It's not "logic convincing". It's brain changing, mind altering, emotional... uh... stuff. Like duckie re-imprinting.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

This reminds me that I need to ask my T if I have to go through all of the developmental stages again in her office to create the proper neural networks for secure attachment. I have a history of childhood neglect and noticed I have strong separation anxiety from her between sessions and in anticipation of her upcoming trip. The attachment literature mentions this is a common developmental stage between 8-15 months old, but wtf I’m over 400 months old, lol! Early childhood experiences can mess one up more than I ever anticipated (and it makes what’s happening at the US-Mexico border even more heartbreaking).

Originally Posted by HowDoYouFeelMeow?

This reminds me that I need to ask my T if I have to go through all of the developmental stages again in her office to create the proper neural networks for secure attachment. I have a history of childhood neglect and noticed I have strong separation anxiety from her between sessions and in anticipation of her upcoming trip. The attachment literature mentions this is a common developmental stage between 8-15 months old, but wtf I’m over 400 months old, lol! Early childhood experiences can mess one up more than I ever anticipated (and it makes what’s happening at the US-Mexico border even more heartbreaking).

I'm 57.it's best to just go with it.
And I agree with your statement about what's happening on the border.
People with no insight are dangerous.