Advice wanted.

Mully · Jul 10, 2019, 08:59 PM

This probably isn’t helpful, but I have the exact same issues you do- but with women. It’s interesting to me that all of your examples I have the exact same responses, but with women instead of men. Hmmm.

DP_2017 · Jul 10, 2019, 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mully

This probably isn’t helpful, but I have the exact same issues you do- but with women. It’s interesting to me that all of your examples I have the exact same responses, but with women instead of men. Hmmm.

That it is interesting. For me, I know why I'm detached with women, it's because all my abusers are female. I learned emotions are not accepted with them at a young age and they always made me feel invisible so I just kinda kept that and now I can easily make friends with women but I can't open up to them and I don't care if they leave me

With men I'm unsure why I have this issue. I am not close with my dad but I wouldn't say he was abusive either. He drank a lot but I don't see how that fits into this. I've just always been this way, in wanting but not feeling like I am enough or feeling too much and deciding its best to protect them and leave.

susannahsays · Jul 11, 2019, 01:53 PM

I think it's significant that your dad is an alcoholic and you're not close to him. I would think more about why that is given your affinities. It's possible that it's a coincidence, but I doubt it. Even if he himself was not abusive, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable due to his alcoholism, he failed to protect you from your mother and her abuse. Seems unlikely anybody would be unaffected by that.

Jul 11, 2019, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DP_2017

He's more of an advocate about it. I like the open and honest aspect of it. He seems very accepting of people too which I think is great. I love reading the posts, they are uplifting and usually have a lot of really supportive comments.

I am not gonna lie, I loved loved loved being close with T... and feeling like I truly mattered to him. Feeling loved. However, once he left, everything snapped and I just went way back from any progress I made, now it's like, I want to trust... my T ant my friend but I am too scared to trust them much. I want to believe things they say but I can't. It's like it was literally the best relationship with a man I've ever experienced but at the same time, it destroyed me and I am too scared to do it again. So yes, I am aware I keep a huge distance

This sounds easy enough to say, but please please try not to let a destructive therapy experience with a man keep you locked in a fearful pattern of how you relate to men. Everything about the therapy dynamic is unique to therapy and aside from a romantic breakup, here in the real world, people that are close to us just don’t up and leave and demand we don’t contact them for years.

There are many wonderful men in the world. Don’t lose hope.

divine1966 · Jul 11, 2019, 03:02 PM

Personally after knowing someone in person for only a month, i generally would not share too much at all. I’d need more time for getting close enough to really feel this person is a friend. At the same time if people can’t share what they think and what bothers them, then what’s the point. It’s hard to tell how soon and how much is appropriate to share

Come think of it I and my husband had no fear of sharing everything with each other early on in a relationship. I’d say as soon as after few dates. Just came natural. Normally I am way more private. Well that’s maybe why I married him, not others. Ha

I wonder if you have to ask if you should share your fears, you aren’t ready to share

DP_2017 · Jul 12, 2019, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I think it's significant that your dad is an alcoholic and you're not close to him. I would think more about why that is given your affinities. It's possible that it's a coincidence, but I doubt it. Even if he himself was not abusive, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable due to his alcoholism, he failed to protect you from your mother and her abuse. Seems unlikely anybody would be unaffected by that.

He's been sober over 20 yrs but ya... possibly who knows. I don't remember much about my childhood, I've blocked it but I have been told I used to be a daddy's girl... and then my little brother came along. I remember feeling not important at all to my family and that's when I threw myself into dogs and cats.

Lots of stuff to work out there but at least I am gonna try to work through it. Hopefully I can

DP_2017 · Jul 12, 2019, 09:00 AM

Convo with the guy friend went well, It's just now gonna be a test of how I can trust his word.

Therapy with t3 today, we will see. Hopefully I can share this stuff and not shut down.

SlumberKitty · Jul 12, 2019, 12:33 PM

Good luck on your therapy appointment DP. I don't really have any advice. I just read all the posts in this thread and wanted you to know that your struggle is important and I'm glad you are working on it (since you want to) with your T. HUGS Kit

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