He forgot to tell me he was going on vacation next week

He said he wants to give my adult self space.

So I guess he is saying I am always in a young part when I come to therapy and never my adult self?

All I know is I feel like a fool letting him charm me into thinking it was ok to trust him and be vulnerable. I gave him privilege to share my life and hear my suffering. I feel like I am being kicked out of the mansion. I feel like I am now old news to him and wants to make way for new people that will excite or maybe make room for a client that is paying out of pocket and using insurance. If I was prettier or thinner or younger he would want me to stay around more.

I must have done something wrong.

Hugs...I agree that he shouldn't make unilateral decisions like that. For the adult self thing, it seems he could have worked on ways to bring that part of you out in session if that's his issue. I agree with Susannah that it might be good to look for another T to see at the same time for a bit.

I’m so sorry Moxie.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

I think it’s awful that your therapist is making unilateral decisions without consulting with you. The judgment of your ‘young parts’ must feel very hurtful too.

From an outsiders perspective, I think some distance might be healthy (though extremely painful in implementation). Your relationship with your therapist sounds torturous. On one end, you know you need him for your mental health and on the other end you resent the level of control he has over your emotions. Likewise, you feel like you desperately need to be with him, and yet you are very aware of all the pitfalls of a professional therapeutic relationship (other clients, scheduling etc). It’s an impossible situation, and as long as your emotions continue to be intense it’s going to tear you apart. From what you’ve mentioned it sounds like he sees this and is trying to taper the intensity down.

I was in a similar situation, and only once I could unenmesh myself and get healthy again could I see how healthy people in their everyday lives just don’t need other people in the way I needed my therapist. What I could see after the fact was that no matter how much I adore someone, there isn’t anyone aside from immediate family that I need to see more than once a week (which is actually quite often). My feelings towards my therapist were and should have been one way, otherwise it would have been a sign of a serious problem. The same is true for your therapist - it’s unlikely that he has intense emotions and longing wrapped up in clients whether they are skinnier, prettier or younger - and I would hope he has no vested interest in keeping you in what seems like a lot of therapy. Cutting sessions feels extremely personal from your end, but I truly think he’s doing what he thinks is best and professional for you. Not that it doesn’t suck and isn’t absolutely excruciating

A great rule of thumb. Never assume something is done out of malice, when it can be explained by incompetence.
And incompetence might already be too harsh of a word in this context. I don't know you, nor do I know your T. But to me the healthiest option sounds like just assume accidental neglecians on your T part. Ts are still human I think, and are therefor capable of making mistakes.

My therapist before the one i am seeing now did this to me a year and half ago. It happened right after i took a cbt group thing and then he told me that i could only see him every 4 to 5 weeks. It hurt allot and it never ever got resolved. Now im seeing a new therapist and seeing her much more often as long as it take. I am so sorry this is happening to you, i feel like he owes you a explanation and hear you out.


I really don't like how therapist do this gets me really angry. Hugs

All this just feels like death. I am so desperate. I have tried to feel better. I contact my ex-T in a different state. He was texting me but then stopped 2 days ago. I get it. He can not help me. I started chatting with an online counselor but seriously he knows nothing about me or this situations so I can not be totally honest. Nothing is making this pain go away.

I feel like I did before I went into therapy with him. I broke down and emailed him. Now I just look like a desperate fool. I do not want to eat, I can not sleep, working is almost impossible.

Hugs...I understand what you mean when you say it can feel like death--that's what it felt like when I had the final rupture with my ex-marriage counselor. Can you find a T that you can talk to in person? I think in person is so much different from online.

I get it, Moxie. Not that that helps much/any.

Therapists need to do a better job -- need to come up with something or some ways to do a better job -- of helping people deal with this kind of stuff, helping us get through it.

But, they don't have anything much now, from what I have seen. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I guess what has happened for me, some, is building up some ability to tolerate the pain? That hasn't helped a lot in the large scheme of things. But that's what I've got. Sometimes it was like -- this pain is unbearable, but in saying that I have "borne" the pain for one instant. How many more to go? Seems endless. But one instant at a time was eventually what seemed like the best option. Ugh, unbearable.

So sorry everything's so awful for you right now.

My psychiatrist, who is a gem and always tells me well in advance he's going on vacation, forgot to tell me this week. 24 years of always remembering, he's entitled to an ooops on occasion. The hard part is I miss him and I didn't get to say "I'm sad you are leaving but I'm happy you get a vacation". Somehow being able to say that makes me feel ready for him to leave.

I rather be hit and thrown into walls again by my ex-husband than to go through this. Physical pain is so much easier to deal with than emotional pain. I learned from my ex-husband that being punched in the head numbs you out; you stop caring at the moment because it is hard to think. That had become my self-harming modality of chose in the future. Last night I laid on the couch fantasizing about doing that to myself again.

It is not fair that therapist do this to clients. He is the one that suggested last year to go twice a week as it would speed up the EMDR process and recovery. It speeded up my attachment to him is what it did. It has got to be know to therapist that those with Childhood neglect have messed up attachment issues. Either they can not attach or they enmeshed real easy to anyone who shows any kind of attunement, positive regard, caring.

Instead of talking this all out with me. Discussing my attachment he just cuts the cord. I feel it is the cowards way.

It seems to me that, apparently, it is not currently known and then they don't listen when it happens or understand their part in it when it does.

It is definitely NOT fair, and "shouldn't " happen in a profession that is supposed to be about health. In my opinion, of course.

I agree about emotional pain vs. physical pain.

Not talking it out with you is disrespectful. It is demeaning. It is dealing with you in an authoritarian manner, dealing with your young parts, maybe, in an authoritarian manner, because he can't handle what is going on. That kind of thing is/was devastating to my sense of self and self respect. And both of those are necessary in order for me to function in the world of other people, which is necessary for me as a social human being to get along in the world.

They need to know this stuff. They need to stop letting it to happen. They need to stop (unknowingly) encouraging it to happen.

For me, the pain does lessen somewhat with time. But the time can seem interminable and in the meantime life goes on and I didn't function very well.

They shouldn't be allowed to "practice" this way. They've had enough practice. They need to listen to us. They need to understand it is not just their one, isolated client who is being affected this way. They need to come up with some better ways to help us deal and get through this pain.

But, for right now, they apparently are allowed to do this. Really, really sucks, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

He replies to my desperate email with this?


"Here's what I would recommend. Go back to the Shirley Schmidt video and re-watch and it continue doing what the video suggests over and over - do not give up. It most likely feels so overwhelming because you are having a hard time getting your best adult self back in charge.

Remember, validate validate validate. That might sound something like "I could see given how I grew up how this would feel overwhelming or hard." Then begin noticing the differences between that time and today and then telling yourself that your best adult self will handle this and be in charge. Keep doing it, possibly many times, until it starts to feel better."

This just does not work for me. It does not ease that dying feeling. I feel like crap.

If you do not know what I am talking about it is in this post: The Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy: - Forums at Psych Central

Hugs...I assume you mean the online T replied with that? T's backup has replied with meditation video suggestions to me before, and I thanked her while thinking "a video won't help me now..."

No. My T did on the desperate email I sent him last night.