Ever since a child. I've had this strange sensation. It happens in a nano second and then gone.
It's like I suddenly become too hyper aware of myself, but in a way of intense embarrassment, shame, stupidness. Then It passes and I'm left staring, wondering what just happened. Aware of feelings I don't like.

The thing is, I get this about T. Of course I have very positive feelings toward because of how I feel about myself when I'm in her company. But these same feelings I experienced about myself, flash through my mind in reference to her.

Suddenly I feel ashamed for her, embarrassed for her, stupid for her. But it's like I have to blink that away.

Anyone experience similar?

Originally Posted by The mouse

Suddenly I feel ashamed for her, embarrassed for her, stupid for her. But it's like I have to blink that away.

Anyone experience similar?

Yes! I experience a sense of intense awkwardness and self-consciousness, as if she's a child who has been caught picking her nose. I suppose it's an obvious example of my projected feelings of shame, but I am not sure I was aware of it before reading your post so thank you. It's interesting because she has spoken about her experience of a parallel process of shame and vulnerability with me.

Do you mean that you feel the shame and embarrassment in respect of yourself, the way you said ‘for her’, I wasn’t sure if you feel shame about yourself or shame on her behalf? Or is is something different than those options?

Originally Posted by Wild at heart

Do you mean that you feel the shame and embarrassment in respect of yourself, the way you said ‘for her’, I wasn’t sure if you feel shame about yourself or shame on her behalf? Or is is something different than those options?

In respect of myself and in respect of T.
It begian with me as a child. It hits, out of the blue.

Like a sudden total self awareness. Like the ego has a sudden hole appear and it can't protect itself

Actually.... Just writing any this has clicked Something.

T said as a young baby I was made aware of my needs at to young an age. The would have felt 'shameful, stupid, embarrasing'

This must be a pre verbal memory.

I think I get something a bit similar, but it is not in respect of my T, she is a bit of a Godess to me, though she fell off her pedestal last week. I don’t think the thing I get is as intense as yours, but it is a distressing, shameful feeling in the moment.

[Omers]

Yes, I do. Sometimes T catches them but not always. Mine also come from preverbal experiences of being shamed and rejected because of my needs and just for being. Then I have the ones with the same feelings that stick around. Most recently I wrote an email to Fr who started me on my healing journey. Because it talked about my needs, and a few in particular that he met, it caused this kind of reaction when he replied (when he acknowledged seeing”me”/ the email). His reply was very loving and supportive and yet the deep shame, the feeling I had made him dirty and tarnished him and his reputation. It has seeped over into session with T and he is deeply bothered by the shame and my pulling away from things that had been helpful. But, because of other things life has thrown at me it has been over a month and I still have not been able to talk to T about it or share the email.

[unaluna]

I call it the naked feeling. Its usually centered in my chest and nipples, altho there is also the sense of your chest caving in / stomach sinking, as well as overwhelming shame. Horrible horrible feeling. Straight out of childhood? Infancy? I dont really know where. Preverbal sounds about right. Yet it remained, perfectly recallable, all the way thru adulthood. Maybe not now - im pretty heavily medicated and really starting to forget stuff. Or rather, not working so hard to remember.

[SummerTime12]

I got this feeling too! Not necessarily about my t, but about myself. I’ve tried to explain it to various therapists before, and none of them could fully understand what I meant. I’ve wondered if it has to do with having a history of dissociation, like maybe we’re always in a very slightly dissociative state, and then at random moments it lifts and so everything feels too real?