Will a therapist stop seeing a client if the client has started experiencing transfer

Wow, I’m so sorry that happened to you. talk about re traumatizing someone. How could a therapist think that a client would benefit in any way from making them regret opening up and being more vulnerable? I thought do no harm is the most important thing to live by as a therapist. This is what scares me about therapy, I don’t like feeling like someone else has any power over me, hence one of the reasons I’m in therapy, when I let someone in, let someone really see me, then they have some power over me, and that is so hard. Vulnerability is my nemesis at this point. I hope that you have found a new therapist who is empathic, compassionate, experienced and way more skilled and equipped to work with people who have suffered trauma. No one deserves for a therapist to emotionally abandon them. It’s funny because when you look on Quora, there are so many therapists who sound like they embrace attachment and transference and they encourage all clients to open up about their feelings about their therapists, and that it will strengthen the alliance, but clearly that’s not always the case. I wish some of those therapists lived by me! I have actually looked some of them up, but they are all in other states lol!

How is a client supposed to know up front if a therapist is mature, rock steady, sane, etc? You find out those things AFTER the relationship has been going for a while, maybe a long while, and even then you never really know who you're dealing with.

Also "working with the transference" is a meaningless concept. Most people talk about this stuff in such vague and simplistic terms, as if all you need is a therapist who says they work with this and won't abandon you.

The truth is it's often a no-win situation.

If you reveal yourself and then get dropped by the therapist, it's a potential disaster.

If the therapist keeps you around and you become attached and dependent, then by definition you are in harm's way, and subject to possible deep wounding, abuses of power, regressive or obsessive dynamics, etc

If you do not reveal your feelings and keep going with the therapy, the relationship is built on a lie of omission.

Have you guys ever read through your old post and wished you could see the warning signs?

I have occasionally come across an older post and thought how immature I sound. And also how exposed and how "obvious" my issues seem which is painful because I consider myself defended and obscured. It's an interesting question though and seems worthy of its own thread.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cloudywithachance Good Morning, I’m new here, but I wanted to comment because this is something I have been worried about too. Over the last couple of months I have really started experiencing transference with my therapist. At first I didn’t recognize what was going on with me, because it’s been awhile since I’ve had this happen with anyone. When I was younger, it was a regular thing for me to develop transference with any women who I perceived as strong, confident, intelligent, etc. like teachers, professors, etc. they become like the mother I wish I had. Well none of my transference in the past has been this bad, but I am trying not to bring it up at all because I’m afraid my therapist will pull back or start treating me differently out of fear I’m going to become dependent or too attached, or worse, she might terminate. I know that most therapists wouldn’t do that, but it still scares me. I am wondering how long this whole transference thing is going to last!

Hi cloudy, Welcome to PC

Bring it up ASAP! Waiting will only create chaos. You can read around on this board and see how many therapy clients have been seriously screwed up by unresolved transference. Transference will not stop on its own, it absolutely must be worked through.

I want to update this. As of yesterday he finally said that when I disclosed all my feelings to him he threw walls up because all his training told him these feelings and attachments are wrong and harmful. He started training in IFS and even found a IFS therapist for himself. (I came from an IFS therapist before him and talked about it a lot). Since he started the training he learned that it was his own parts that got triggered and he wants to start to explore my parts that have these feelings for him.

Honestly it doesn't sound fair to you to make you his guinea pig.

Scary stuff that they are allowed to be therapists with no proper training in transference, IFS or otherwise. At least he has some knowledge now I guess...

My therapist set up boundaries a couple weeks ago regarding contact out of sessions. I’ve been following them and doing just fine. I told her last week I don’t want to move and leave her. She just kinda looked at me before we moved on to something else. I don’t get this attached to anyone. I’ve never said to anyone “I don’t want to leave you.” so I honestly don’t know what my issue is. I think she’s only sticking with me because it would be silly to switch me over to someone else when I’m only going to be here for a couple more months.

I told her in October that I kinda had a crush on her. She’s been off and on weird ever since. I’m wondering if telling her that is why she’s different now.

I wish I didn't tell my T that I had strong transference feelings with him...I'm sure that's why he won't hug me and holds back a lot. I stupidly thought telling him the truth would bring us closer, I was definitely wrong! It's so weird how all that changes.

Pretty sure my therapist (PhD psychologist) didn't really have training in it, as he hurt me pretty badly with his reaction to something (it involved a transitional object--I wrote about it fairly extensively on here, but it was before your time, LostisLost) early on in my seeing him. But over 3 years later, he seems to get it now. Hopefully I've managed to help his future clients in some way...

Moxie, I'm sorry you had to deal with all that, too. I'm glad he's realized it was his stuff and finally admitted it, but sorry it took so long and hurt you in the process. Have you noticed a change in how he works with you now?

Very interesting! Thanks for the update. Congrats to you for persisting.

I agree, except -- we've seen a bunch of these transference-countertransference messes on this forum, and in many the T is unwilling/unable to try to do anything about their part in it. They just dump the client. Even if they provide a referral it amounts to a dump, which is traumatizing in its own right as well as re-tramatizing.

I'm glad this guy is doing what he can, and maybe his IFS therapist can also act as a supervisor? These T's gotta start somewhere and since it is apparently not being offered in regular training, or at least wasn't, I think it's positive that Moxie's T is at least trying. The other options she's looked into haven't been good, so what to do? I would congratulate this T for trying, too, since what else can he do to really help his client?

Yes he is different. He is softer is the way I can subscribe it. I flat out asked him if he was afraid of me. Obviously he said no. Now if he only knew how much I internet stalk him he might change that answer. He still does not get how attached I am to him. I think he does not get it because he can not believe someone is so attached to him. I said I could not believe that as a trauma therapist he never had a client that attached to him. He said it was because that was never on his radar and did not recognize it and you betcha he will be looking out for that from now on. I did want to ask him if he ever have clients just ghost him because that is a sign they were overwhelmed with their feelings for him and could not handle the shame or would leave before being left as that is easier to deal with.

Yeah this has been a long journey. 2 years of what feels like hell for me. The only reason I can see the part that is so obsessively and desperately attached to him has calmed down between sessions is because it finally believes that he is REAL and that he will not abandon me. I told him I had constant nightmares of him dying and obsessive thoughts that he was going to move to another state and that I would just have to divorce my husband and follow him. He assured me he is settled and not moving.

I am also so excited because we both got the first vaccine shot and he said that once we both got the second shot I would be the first client to have sessions without masks! I hope he does not renege on that.

Interesting that this thread is up again when I was about to do a " Dear T I hate you " Thanks Moxie.

This is really interesting to me because it sounds very much like my T. Mine has said a couple times that he feels I give too much thought to therapy and to him. That it should be less important to me. And that has hurt me anytime he says it. From what he's said, he means that he wants me to be focusing on my outside life rather than therapy--particularly, rather than him. But it's difficult for me not to be focused on him in some way.

He also has seemed puzzled that I'm so curious about him as a person and that I care about him as much as I do. At least now he seems touched by it rather than freaked out. But I share so much of myself with him. Isn't it natural that I'd be curious about him and his life as well? What's weird is that since the pandemic, he seems to share so many more random things about himself and his home life. I mean, before, he wouldn't even answer questions about what pets he has, and now I've seen both his dog and cat on camera. And I'll say how H and I have really struggled with what to make for dinner lately (one of the least of our problems, but still) and he said how he and his wife struggle with that as well, then went on to talk about some recipes he makes regularly.

Anyway, back to your comment about how you can't believe he hasn't had someone so attached to him. My T once said how I probably thought about him more than most (or many any) other clients. And I said how maybe some clients did think about him that much, but they just didn't tell him. (And the way he reacted to me telling him at first, probably best they didn't!).

I think they just don't get how important they can be in clients' lives. But I don't understand how they don't get that? The client is spilling their deepest secrets to them. It's a very intimate relationship in many ways. It seems natural that at least some clients would be curious about the therapist, would think about them often, etc. It's not like they're a car mechanic or something.

You made a good point on the ghosting though. My T has mentioned how some clients have just canceled their next appointment then never come back. And I wonder if sometimes it was for that reason, that they were overwhelmed with feelings and maybe were hurt if they tried to talk about them before with him, so they figured was safest just to leave?

Mine did say, just like every other therapist, that the solution is to find someone outside of therapy that I can transfer this attachment to. I was dumbfounded because I told him my attachment is not some best buddy friendship. Finding a friend to go to the movies with will not stop this as I do not see him or feel him as friend. I do not have a frame of reference for these feelings and attachment. I never felt it before and that I like what I feel for the most part except for the horrific fear of losing him.

Thats funny we are all struggling with what to make for dinner! HA. Anyway yeah mine does share info about him freely but he makes a stern face if there is anything in the conversation that might bring up his wife and kids.



[QUOTE] I think they just don't get how important they can be in clients' lives. But I don't understand how they don't get that? The client is spilling their deepest secrets to them. It's a very intimate relationship in many ways. It seems natural that at least some clients would be curious about the therapist, would think about them often, etc. It's not like they're a car mechanic or something.[QUOTE/] Crazy right! It is common sense.

He obviously isn't a well trained therapist. ALL of your feelings are acceptable and should be honored and be able to be discussed. Transference is just a fancy word for feelings......and happens in ALL relationships. I told my t of my feelings for him, and he was sensitive; we discussed it. Sadly, some therapists aren't well trained and they cause such damage

Possibly he has an avoidant attachment style himself that he has never bothered to work on in his own therapy. I hope he will do it now but surely it will not be a smooth road for him.

Yeah, I can't believe it either. But I also understand how it happens. In the evidence-based world trauma therapist is someone who as learned one or several protocols for treating PTSD, which is a diagnosis for a single traumatic incident - to so called type I trauma. There are also type II and type III trauma, which are often also called CPTSD and relational trauma and attachment trauma etc. These are not official diagnoses and non of these trauma treatment protocols work well in these cases.

So it can very well happen that there is a "trauma therapist" who only knows about the type I trauma, has been educated in using the protocols centered on exposure and cognitive restructuring and who is completely oblivious of the other types of trauma. Thus, this therapist will happily take on patients with trauma (also complex trauma cases), starts applying their expertise on them and is probably quite puzzled and stuck of why their patients don't improve but rather start behaving rather weirdly. Surreal situatation, but as we can see from the picture, it happens and probably quite a lot.

I have never discussed transference with either T. It would require me to be more vulnerable than I can be. It would open me to being abandoned and hurt. I suspect long term T knew it was very intense but I suspect there was a lot of counter transference. When discussing my care with Emdr T she said she played a maternal roll.

I did tell T a couple of times after long term T death that I have a fear she will die suddenly. She didn't exactly handle it the way I would of liked. She replied that my fears made total sense but that she was not planning in going anywhere but one can never predict the future.