Will a therapist stop seeing a client if the client has started experiencing transfer

I want to update this. As of yesterday he finally said that when I disclosed all my feelings to him he threw walls up because all his training told him these feelings and attachments are wrong and harmful. He started training in IFS and even found a IFS therapist for himself. (I came from an IFS therapist before him and talked about it a lot). Since he started the training he learned that it was his own parts that got triggered and he wants to start to explore my parts that have these feelings for him.

Honestly it doesn't sound fair to you to make you his guinea pig.

Scary stuff that they are allowed to be therapists with no proper training in transference, IFS or otherwise. At least he has some knowledge now I guess...

My therapist set up boundaries a couple weeks ago regarding contact out of sessions. I’ve been following them and doing just fine. I told her last week I don’t want to move and leave her. She just kinda looked at me before we moved on to something else. I don’t get this attached to anyone. I’ve never said to anyone “I don’t want to leave you.” so I honestly don’t know what my issue is. I think she’s only sticking with me because it would be silly to switch me over to someone else when I’m only going to be here for a couple more months.

I told her in October that I kinda had a crush on her. She’s been off and on weird ever since. I’m wondering if telling her that is why she’s different now.

I wish I didn't tell my T that I had strong transference feelings with him...I'm sure that's why he won't hug me and holds back a lot. I stupidly thought telling him the truth would bring us closer, I was definitely wrong! It's so weird how all that changes.

Pretty sure my therapist (PhD psychologist) didn't really have training in it, as he hurt me pretty badly with his reaction to something (it involved a transitional object--I wrote about it fairly extensively on here, but it was before your time, LostisLost) early on in my seeing him. But over 3 years later, he seems to get it now. Hopefully I've managed to help his future clients in some way...

Moxie, I'm sorry you had to deal with all that, too. I'm glad he's realized it was his stuff and finally admitted it, but sorry it took so long and hurt you in the process. Have you noticed a change in how he works with you now?

Very interesting! Thanks for the update. Congrats to you for persisting.

I agree, except -- we've seen a bunch of these transference-countertransference messes on this forum, and in many the T is unwilling/unable to try to do anything about their part in it. They just dump the client. Even if they provide a referral it amounts to a dump, which is traumatizing in its own right as well as re-tramatizing.

I'm glad this guy is doing what he can, and maybe his IFS therapist can also act as a supervisor? These T's gotta start somewhere and since it is apparently not being offered in regular training, or at least wasn't, I think it's positive that Moxie's T is at least trying. The other options she's looked into haven't been good, so what to do? I would congratulate this T for trying, too, since what else can he do to really help his client?

Yes he is different. He is softer is the way I can subscribe it. I flat out asked him if he was afraid of me. Obviously he said no. Now if he only knew how much I internet stalk him he might change that answer. He still does not get how attached I am to him. I think he does not get it because he can not believe someone is so attached to him. I said I could not believe that as a trauma therapist he never had a client that attached to him. He said it was because that was never on his radar and did not recognize it and you betcha he will be looking out for that from now on. I did want to ask him if he ever have clients just ghost him because that is a sign they were overwhelmed with their feelings for him and could not handle the shame or would leave before being left as that is easier to deal with.

Yeah this has been a long journey. 2 years of what feels like hell for me. The only reason I can see the part that is so obsessively and desperately attached to him has calmed down between sessions is because it finally believes that he is REAL and that he will not abandon me. I told him I had constant nightmares of him dying and obsessive thoughts that he was going to move to another state and that I would just have to divorce my husband and follow him. He assured me he is settled and not moving.

I am also so excited because we both got the first vaccine shot and he said that once we both got the second shot I would be the first client to have sessions without masks! I hope he does not renege on that.

Interesting that this thread is up again when I was about to do a " Dear T I hate you " Thanks Moxie.

This is really interesting to me because it sounds very much like my T. Mine has said a couple times that he feels I give too much thought to therapy and to him. That it should be less important to me. And that has hurt me anytime he says it. From what he's said, he means that he wants me to be focusing on my outside life rather than therapy--particularly, rather than him. But it's difficult for me not to be focused on him in some way.

He also has seemed puzzled that I'm so curious about him as a person and that I care about him as much as I do. At least now he seems touched by it rather than freaked out. But I share so much of myself with him. Isn't it natural that I'd be curious about him and his life as well? What's weird is that since the pandemic, he seems to share so many more random things about himself and his home life. I mean, before, he wouldn't even answer questions about what pets he has, and now I've seen both his dog and cat on camera. And I'll say how H and I have really struggled with what to make for dinner lately (one of the least of our problems, but still) and he said how he and his wife struggle with that as well, then went on to talk about some recipes he makes regularly.

Anyway, back to your comment about how you can't believe he hasn't had someone so attached to him. My T once said how I probably thought about him more than most (or many any) other clients. And I said how maybe some clients did think about him that much, but they just didn't tell him. (And the way he reacted to me telling him at first, probably best they didn't!).

I think they just don't get how important they can be in clients' lives. But I don't understand how they don't get that? The client is spilling their deepest secrets to them. It's a very intimate relationship in many ways. It seems natural that at least some clients would be curious about the therapist, would think about them often, etc. It's not like they're a car mechanic or something.

You made a good point on the ghosting though. My T has mentioned how some clients have just canceled their next appointment then never come back. And I wonder if sometimes it was for that reason, that they were overwhelmed with feelings and maybe were hurt if they tried to talk about them before with him, so they figured was safest just to leave?

Mine did say, just like every other therapist, that the solution is to find someone outside of therapy that I can transfer this attachment to. I was dumbfounded because I told him my attachment is not some best buddy friendship. Finding a friend to go to the movies with will not stop this as I do not see him or feel him as friend. I do not have a frame of reference for these feelings and attachment. I never felt it before and that I like what I feel for the most part except for the horrific fear of losing him.

Thats funny we are all struggling with what to make for dinner! HA. Anyway yeah mine does share info about him freely but he makes a stern face if there is anything in the conversation that might bring up his wife and kids.



[QUOTE] I think they just don't get how important they can be in clients' lives. But I don't understand how they don't get that? The client is spilling their deepest secrets to them. It's a very intimate relationship in many ways. It seems natural that at least some clients would be curious about the therapist, would think about them often, etc. It's not like they're a car mechanic or something.[QUOTE/] Crazy right! It is common sense.

He obviously isn't a well trained therapist. ALL of your feelings are acceptable and should be honored and be able to be discussed. Transference is just a fancy word for feelings......and happens in ALL relationships. I told my t of my feelings for him, and he was sensitive; we discussed it. Sadly, some therapists aren't well trained and they cause such damage

Possibly he has an avoidant attachment style himself that he has never bothered to work on in his own therapy. I hope he will do it now but surely it will not be a smooth road for him.

Yeah, I can't believe it either. But I also understand how it happens. In the evidence-based world trauma therapist is someone who as learned one or several protocols for treating PTSD, which is a diagnosis for a single traumatic incident - to so called type I trauma. There are also type II and type III trauma, which are often also called CPTSD and relational trauma and attachment trauma etc. These are not official diagnoses and non of these trauma treatment protocols work well in these cases.

So it can very well happen that there is a "trauma therapist" who only knows about the type I trauma, has been educated in using the protocols centered on exposure and cognitive restructuring and who is completely oblivious of the other types of trauma. Thus, this therapist will happily take on patients with trauma (also complex trauma cases), starts applying their expertise on them and is probably quite puzzled and stuck of why their patients don't improve but rather start behaving rather weirdly. Surreal situatation, but as we can see from the picture, it happens and probably quite a lot.

I have never discussed transference with either T. It would require me to be more vulnerable than I can be. It would open me to being abandoned and hurt. I suspect long term T knew it was very intense but I suspect there was a lot of counter transference. When discussing my care with Emdr T she said she played a maternal roll.

I did tell T a couple of times after long term T death that I have a fear she will die suddenly. She didn't exactly handle it the way I would of liked. She replied that my fears made total sense but that she was not planning in going anywhere but one can never predict the future.

I understand why that response was unsatisfying for you. But I actually feel like it's better, because it's realistic. Ex-MC said at one point that he'd never abandon me and never reject me (or something to that effect). He technically didn't abandon me, but he changed the boundaries of the relationship, and it certainly felt like rejection. So it hurt more that he promised that, then didn't follow through.

With current T, he'll say things like he has no plans or intentions to go anywhere. But there's always a chance something could happen (say, his dying unexpectedly or having to move to be near his wife's relative or something, though he assured me he had no current plans to do anything like that). And he's said that he would never just drop me as a client unless I did something really awful (like physically threatening him), that we would always try to work through any conflict that came up. And in a way, I actually appreciate that more, because he's not making any promises he knows he might not be able to keep. It makes me trust him more.

So I think that's probably what your T is trying to do, to avoid making a promise she doesn't know she'll be able to keep.

From various things my T has done and just general observations he's made about life and relationships, I get the sense my T also has an avoidant attachment style. And mine is anxious/preoccupied, so you can see where those could easily clash and lead to a sort of push-pull dynamic at times.

Unfortunately, don't think my T would be willing to work on his in his own therapy. Last he said when I asked, he got his own therapy as part of requirements for his PhD, then that was it. He's not under supervision (I wish it was a requirement here like in the UK) but does meet in a consulting group a whole 6 times a year (yes, there's sarcasm there!). He did bring a conflict we had early on up in that group, and they seemed to agree with him...but I think, from what he told me, it's partly how he presented the situation and described me to them.


So, Moxie, be glad your T is willing to work on this in therapy! Though of course it would have been better if he'd done it sooner.

[QUOTE=LonesomeTonight;7018763]
I am Complex PTSD/Borderline/Bulimic with all the fun behaviors you think come with that....Well at least I am not Bulimic anymore and I feel I no longer fit the Borderline diagnosis. He was using EMDR and advertises EMDR as the best treatment for trauma. He now feels IFS is better than EMDR now since he started the IFS training.

I was stoked when he said he started IFS training. I kind of felt like I was the reason he did that to begin with. I am kind of excited to see where each session takes us. He is going to want to explore that part of me that is so attached to him. I am embarrassed about this part and what it feels and what it wants from him.I go in there not really wanting any therapy. I just want to be in the same room as him and him paying attention to me. Talking to me. I want to be bathed in his light. It is creepy.

This is such a good thing to post! There is so much pain and agony surrounding transference and boundaries. The truth is that the therapeutic relationship has to be realistic for both parties. Clients ask, and Ts overpromise, then pull back claiming self-care. It is unrealistic for us to think that Ts can heal our wounds, fully-understand our pain, and be there for us when we want and how we want. I know that sounds harsh but the expectations around therapy are so easily distorted because we often are not given the rules up front or they get changed in the process.

It is a bit concerning that T now wants to do IFS after his short-stint. I tried brain-spotting with a T who trained in that area. It became the cure-all answer for everything. Suddenly brain-spotting could cure everything from disassociation to practically the common cold. IFS did wonders for me but partly because I had a T who used it for awhile.

I do agree with you. I also highly suspect it also has to do with her knowing how traumatic losing long term T warm. I have also told current T that I sometimes have fears of her being in a serious accident. We didn't discuss those fears, maybe because she doesn't want to think about it...plus it is not something I wanted to delve into.

At that point every time the was a car accident in her town which is about 60 miles from my home I panicked until I talked to her again.

Thank you for this thread. I have found that therapists over promise. They pull back claiming self care or other reasons.

Moxie , did you watch the TV series Mr Robot ? I didn't see it but it came up somewhere and I mentioned it to my T and he'd watched it. There is can video on YouTube linking it to IFS.

Nope I never watched that show. Not sure why my T would need to watch that show to watch a video on IFS.

I'm sure there's no need to watch it. It's just how IFS can be related to the show.