Couch 203: The Spam and Cool Whip Couch!

I have a session with my new T tomorrow and I don't know if I want to go. I don't really feel anything about this guy I neither like him nor dislike him. I liked my exT right from when I saw him. I don't know if I should keep seeing him or not.

I found neutral useful. Perhaps giving him a try and seeing if he can help you with why you see him rather than focussing on him.

I made fresh corn on the cob, but since I don't have cotija I couldn't have elote, so I ate leftover hamburger helper. The little likes corn, so it's a win.

I'm buying farm to table baskets with a group from work, this week hoping to eat all the vegetables without throwing any out. The first basket mostly went to waste. I hate wasting food.

Hope you're all having a good evening.

I just got in from work a bit ago and I’m sitting in front of my TV frying brain cells watching America’s Got Talent. This show is a waste of TV space.

After this Friday I’m not working for 2 weeks and I’m okay with that. Ive been busting my ***, so those 2 weeks before the new job starts are mine and I don’t feel guilty that I didn’t book any work for those weeks.

I told my therapist and he seemed genuinely shocked and told me that he was actually feeling angry for me. And asked if partial hospitalization was being considered in all of this, and I told him I don't think so. If insurance doesn't want to cover 3 hours a day, they're definitely not going to want to pay for 6 hours a day. He keeps encouraging me to be as open and honest with them because they can use that to fight for more time in the program. But besides a quick check in and filling out a sheet, there's not time to fully disclose how things are. I tried opening up at check in and the group therapist came and sat by me and said how she doesn't like talking about this stuff with me because of what's going on with H, and basically cut me off and said we'd meet to go over discharge if insurance wasn't in my favor.

The bunkhouse where I’m staying at my med school mentors’ place

H is being an *** again. This time he's mad because I don't want to play a computer game with him anymore. He says I'm not spending enough time with him. Said I'm spending more time with my dad. And he thinks I'm spending too much time with my sister. I saw her this Monday, and then like a week before that. Then he throws my sister "under the bus". Says she'll ruin everything because she's back in my life. I walked away.

I'm so tired of this life. I don't want to be here anymore.

That is one smart mentor. That view is restorative from here!

My mind is stuck in events from IOP today, and I can't seem to let them go. So I hope you guys don't mind me thinking outloud on here.
The program's psychiatrist today met with me for the first time for less than 5 minutes. She prescribed me another medication when I told her I got set up with an outside psychiatrist and met with the man yesterday, who we both agreed that I'd try a medication I've been in before. And agreed that I only want to try one medication at a time before maybe considering an anxiety med on top of it. I feel like the psychiatrist today didn't give me a chance to agree or disagree, and just sent it in after telling me about the med. I'm going to discuss it with her or her intern tomorrow depending on who is there.
She also asked to see my SH, which makes for 2 different psychiatrists in the last week to ask me that. I'm not used to psychiatrist asking to see, especially when I tell them where I cut. The intern psychiatrist didn't ask, but the outpatient psychiatrist last week asked. I know they're there to help, but they can't do anything medically if I showed them. And it feels very exposed since they're all located near my underwear. I don't know how to handle that situation.
At the end of group, a male group member leaned over and hugged me while I was sitting down. No warning, no asking, just did. I understand this is how some people are and he was trying to be nice because he was saying he knew it was potentially my last day. But I am not okay with touch, and I'm pretty sure it's against the rules in the program.
I know these things are minor and aren't deal breakers when I'm fighting to be in this program. It just made for an overwhelming and confusing day.

Hugs...

For the medication, that would bother me, too. If she called it into a pharmacy and you don't want it, you can contact the pharmacy and tell them that (I did that with something recently). I'd definitely talk about not wanting to try the other med, although sometimes it can work better to use two things together. So you may want to consider it---the p-doc should have let you decide though.

I've had a past p-doc ask to see my SH as well. I think she was looking for more medical purposes, to see the severity, if I could need stitches, check for risk of infection, etc. I understand your feeling self-conscious in general plus due to location, but assume that they're considering it in a more medical way. Like a doctor examining you.

As for the guy hugging you, I'd mention it to the group leader. It does seem like it should be against the rules--either way, he should have asked first. Then maybe the group leader can say something to him to make sure he doesn't do that again to you or another group member.

Shehulk- Just because the PDOC called the medication in, you aren’t required to pick it up and take it. Ultimately that choice is yours. The guy hugging you was very intrusive. He should have asked first. I wouldn’t want someone just hugging me. Even someone I know very well. One should ask first.

Group therapy is a touchy-feely situation where you're not allowed to touch or feel anyone.

My writing workshop homework for the week:

Well, they do say "write what you know."

Huh, I wonder if Info would mind if I wrote about her?

@@- that’s an excellent assignment.

Oh, thats not even fair!

Too bad about the minimal stage directions! Otherwise just info's clothes would do it!

Cleaning my house from my tv chair. Amazing how crap builds up around it. My sewing boxes tend to migrate to my tv snack table, so earlier this week i cleared some shelf space to move those back to. My whole apartment is a darn rubick's cube!

Hi couchies, good morning. I'm feeling depressed today. I almost called into work, but I dragged myself here (kicking and screaming--just kidding). There was a fire on my street last night, someone's garage caught on fire. It was really triggering for me because my Dad was a fireman for 25 years and he would sometimes come home burned or his hands would be burned, or his hair would be singed. Luckily I drove by the house this morning and it looks like the fire department was able to save the house but the garage has got to be a total loss. I feel bad for the family but I'm glad that it looks like they can stay in their house. It wasn't red tagged or anything. So my anxiety is a bit "up" because of the fire. I feel....unsafe? Something like that. Had some hallucinations last night but they weren't as bad as the night before, and so far today, nothing. My friend can't meet for coffee tonight though so that's kind of sad, but I didn't have much to talk about anyway so maybe it's better. HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

Hi Kit,

Makes sense to me that your anxiety would be heightened because of the fire.

Hope your day gets better from here on out.

Thank you.

Ugh, just had a session where I had to talk with T about my sex life. *shudder*

I think it’s made worse because he’s a heterosexual man and I am a reasonably heterosexual woman and I feel this weird thing where... like, I am a potential object of his desire, but since I’m ugly he will never desire me and that’s kind of humiliating. (I know that’s a little convoluted; I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone but me.) And somehow talking about sex with him (or really anything having to do with my body) makes that feeling worse.

But this morning, when I was still in Vermont, was lovely. My med school mentor made me a breakfast of toast with homemade jam, and fresh berries with cream. I shared the leftover cream with a very pleased cat.