Dismissive therapist

I was researching what to do about a therapist who is dismissive and downplays the abuse I suffered as a child and I found this forum. I'm unsure if I should find a new therapist. I only started seeing this therapist because my psychiatrist referred me to this therapist (they are in the same office).

Is it okay to fire a therapist that a psychiatrist referred a patient to or will the psychiatrist drop me as a patient? I don't have a lot of options for psychiatrists with my insurance.

This would be a really good question to ask your psychiatrist. I would say, however, that in general, you should be able to pick your own therapist. If you're not feeling like you can work with this person, look for someone new.

First, I would try to talk to your therapist. Maybe he's only using cbt technique (CBT is a technique that's very cold and many people react badly to it, however for some reason it's the first thing most therapists try) or some other technique that isn't suitable for you. I had a very similar problem in the beginning. Telling your therapist to change his approach is absolutely fine and you may find a way to work together.
If that's not possible, I believe it's very important to find a new T.

In what way are they playing down your trauma, can you elaborate?

It should make no difference whether he referred you to a specific therapist. They don't usually come in pairs where clients are obliged to work a particular therapist/psychiatrist combo.

Just tell your psychiatrist you do not click with that therapist (e.g. you do not feel heard, there is no rapport etc.) and you need someone you'd be more comfortable working with.

Your psychiatrist probably only has a vested interested in you seeing a therapist that you work well with. If it is not the one that the psychiatrist referred you to, they will probably be happy if you find one you work well with. My current therapist and my psychiatrist work in the same office but for years I saw a therapist that worked in a completely separate office and completely different town.

I don't believe the therapist is using CBT, it seems more like just talk therapy.

The therapist will ask me questions that seem out of the blue and contrary to what I have said and seem really judgmental. Maybe this is a therapy technique but it can seem heartless and like she doesn't understand or care about what I've said. I know I can ramble and get off topic so a therapist is going to need ask questions to get me back on topic but there are times when her questions are so out there and unsympathetic, it's like she doesn't believe me or doesn't think my problems are valid.

When I was 18, I got into an abusive relationship with an older guy who was controlling and emotionally abusive. The relationship ended after 2 years when he physically assaulted me during what I later learned was a manic episode. This has led me to issues even wanting to date again. I was telling the therapist that a co-worker ask me out sent me into a panic attack when she hijacked the session with a bunch of questions about my abusive ex-boyfriend. Did I break up with him because he was bipolar? Did he only hit me when he was in a manic episode? Would I have considered getting back together when he was stable on medication? Looking back, in an earlier session, the therapist seemed really judgmental when I was angry my abusive ex wasn't prosecuted for hitting me.

The biggest reason I want to quit this therapist is her out of place questions regarding my family imply she doesn't believe the abuse I suffered as a child was actually abuse and my reasons for being estranged from my family are valid. The issue is that my childhood trauma stems from being in a family with a severely autistic brother and being emotionally neglected by my parents because of my brother. So when I talk about how my brother broke my wrist when I was young and it still hurts or more recently he was constantly texting me inappropriate pictures, the therapist seems to not view this as abuse but me not being understanding enough. She keeps bringing up the topic of my brother's care after my parents are gone. I've said over and over, we are estranged, that's not going to change but she keeps bringing it up like it's a task to be worked on. I wonder if this is because she's a LCSW instead of a MFT so she's looking at it like a social worker and not a therapist?

The more I think about it, the more I don't want to see this therapist again. I cancelled the session that was scheduled this week and I feel so much better not going. I'll accept having to start over with a new psychiatrist before paying this therapist another dime. Thinking about this is just making me more angry.

It does sound a bit like your therapist is approaching things from a social work perspective, like you are supposed to be therapist/social worker for everyone around you.

Sounds like moving to a different therapist who is focused on your needs instead of everyone else's is a good plan. This one doesn't seem to respect the need for your own healthy boundaries around people who have potential to harm you, no matter what their background or relation to you. Move on.

I think others are better placed to answer your question about therapy, but I just want to empathise with the situation regarding your brother and say this is often hard for others to understand. People look at the special needs child without considering the fallout their care will create. They don't appreciate that, especially for siblings, there's virtually no break from the special needs person and no support. If anything, usually YOU'RE expected to be the support.

My brother has learning disabilities (he isn't diagnosed with autism, though everyone who's met him asks me if he has it) and there were various times he tried to push me down the stairs, throw me out of a moving car, not let me sleep by playing his music full volume, hit me, etc. He was an absolute nightmare from about ten onwards.

Though I know they didn't mean to neglect me, my parents often left me to figure things out for myself because their attention was taken up by my brother and all his problems and speech therapy appointments and extraremedial classes. If he did something hurtful or abusive, he often got a pass, while I was expected to be understanding and suck it up. If I managed in my social awkwardness to find a friend, my mom would try to include my brother too, and the relationship would die.

My relationship with him is virtually non-existent now and I prefer it that way, because I reached a point where I got tired of being abused and no one taking it seriously because, well, "family" and "but he has special needs". Yup, and I have a need to not be thrown out of cars or verbally abused.

I find it's really hard for people who didn't grow up in a family where life ran around one child of the family and their needs to realise how damaging it can be for the sibling. They often expect you to have dealt with it like an adult, but the reality is you were a child and didn't have that perspective or ability to look at your brother's situation the way an adult would. What I find hardest is that my parents refuse to acknowledge they let my brother be abusive because of his needs, and that I suffered because of their decisions to give his behaviour a pass. They can't understand while my brother's behaviour is understandable, it's not OK.

I've found reading stories about people who had autistic siblings helpful, along with limiting contact with my brother. If you feel that's what's best for you, please go with that. Your wrist causes your pain -- doesn't matter how it was caused. Your therapist should really know better, IMHO.

I think my therapist made a judgement about me from the beginning of therapy that I was intolerant of other's flaws. Looking back on what she's said, it seems like she's putting my abusive ex in the same category.

I might see a male therapist and see if that's any better. I question if that might be better. I feel some of my current female therapist's ideas are based on strictly adhering to traditional gender roles. If I was crying in my therapists office lamenting why my ex boyfriend abused me, she would be more sympathetic than me raging and ranting why I allowed myself to be used by that jerk. I get really angry and that's what I need therapy for.

Thanks for posting that. You're right that people who didn't grow up in these types of houses can't understand. I kinda feel like therapists and people in the mental health profession don't want to hear this perspective.. Sometimes I feel like my therapist was prompting me to say what the sibling of a special needs child is supposed to say. I'm not supposed to make my parents feel guilty. I'm not supposed to blame my brother. My therapist said one time that I was 'fixated on my wrist' because I told her that every time my wrist hurts, it reminds me that my parents didn't care about me because there wasn't money for me to go to a specialist for my wrist but there was always money for my brother's therapy. I think my therapist identifies with my parents and thinks I'm the problem that needs to be fixed.

If you feel those things in your life as abuse, it probably is, for you. There is a huge difference between tolerating people's ordinary flaws and allowing abuse even if what constitutes which is quite subjective and varied, just like the boundaries that work for an individual. For example, I am highly intolerant of any kind of manipulation and abuse and I have not even had much in my life, especially not in primary personal relationships. I don't care if it's due to someone's difficult history or insecurities - I just don't want it around me and won't allow it, no matter who and why. Also, there is no reason a mental health provider should drop a client because the client does not find their associates helpful and wants someone else... you can talk with the psychiatrist but I personally would not accept any form of ultimatum in this and would want to be free to choose.

I wouldn't go back either.

It may be that your therapist has a child with special needs.

I can understand why you'd be upset by her reaction -- therapy is a time for you to work on you, and it sounds like, yet again, your brother is the one getting the attention and the benefit of the doubt.

I'm wary of telling you what to do, because I'm obviously biased and probably overlaying my experience onto yours to a degree, but it may be worth trying another therapist or being really blunt with this one that you are her client, not your brother or your ex. Or perhaps even asking her what value she sees in defending the actions of people that have objectively hurt you? I'm not sure what she's hoping to achieve in doing that, so maybe it's worth asking her and seeing what kind of answer you get.

But if you feel like she's putting you into a role, that doesn't sound terribly helpful to me.

My parents took me to a therapist when I was 12 and tried a session where the therapist asked me to be more compassionate towards my brother -- didn't go down well, because it was yet another place that was taken away from me and made for my brother.

It took a therapist when I was 17, who as part of her work pushes parents of autistic children to really consider the effects on siblings, to feel like someone got it. She was always sympathetic to my brother, but she never downplayed how bloody hard it was for me to grow up with him. When my parents barged in and demanded I be nicer to my brother, she would calmly tell them that just because I had capabilities my brother had, didn't mean they could dismiss how I felt. (They never listened, but it was one of the few times an adult put my needs level with my brother's, which felt amazing.)

I think if therapy doesn't feel like your space, it's not likely to be useful.

I don't think she's acting like that because she's an LCSW. She's acting like that because for some reason, she is having trouble empathizing with you and is judging you instead. For whatever reason, she is empathizing with the "other side" instead of you. She probably has some countertransference going on due to her own personal stuff that she is not managing at all. She sounds terrible.