[Flinders40]

I’ve been reading a lot on here about people struggling while their therapists are away. I haven’t seen mine in three weeks (due to a work trip) and don’t miss her at all.
Does this mean our relationship is lacking? Or that we don’t have a connection?

I had a therapist years ago who I was VERY attached to and would get upset when she went on vacation, yet I’ve never felt that way about anyone since. She also died about five years ago and it devastated me. A part of me wants to feel that way about my current T, but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to force it.

[ArtleyWilkins]

No, you aren’t the only one. I never had problems with my therapist being away for a few weeks of vacation. I think most handle those separations as just fairly normal.

[zoiecat]

You are not alone it is just that people who are not effected by T leaving don't write about it.

I am always happy when my T takes time off. First off itvis good for him personally so he will not get burned out and it gives me a break as well. My days go by ao fast and I see T 2x a week so it is nice to have a break. Things can get really stressful doing EMDR on trauma all the time and I also like to use each break as a personal test of my coping skills because I don't want to be in therapu forever.

Some people we feel that way about. Others we don't. It's just who we connect with. It's not a right or wrong thing.

[ArtleyWilkins]

. . . and also, people can have healthy connections and not be devastated by separations. It may simply mean you feel secure in your relationship and feel safe that all will be well during the time away. That's what it was like for me. Vacations were just facts of life. I tended to just accept it my own vacation from therapy for a couple weeks.

Or its because they have a secure attachment they allow themselves to feel it...

[Flinders40]

Originally Posted by The mouse

Or its because they have a secure attachment they allow themselves to feel it...

I don’t think it’s about allowing oneself to feel it. A secure attachment is either there or not. That’s what I’m trying to determine for myself at the moment. Since I’m questioning it - I guess the answer is obvious.

Originally Posted by Flinders40

I don’t think it’s about allowing oneself to feel it. A secure attachment is either there or not. That’s what I’m trying to determine for myself at the moment. Since I’m questioning it - I guess the answer is obvious.

I have a secure attachment to T. She's the only person in my life I let myself feel my feelings for.

[Taylor27]

I have no issue with my t going on vacation. I used to with my first counsellor. I feel secure knowing that she will be back and therapy will resume like normal. Also i plan ahead to make myself busy during the time i would be seeing her. That helps to take my mind off of her not there.

[zoiecat]

I don't think I have a secure attachment to anyone. I have no problem with my T taking time off because I am avoidant and never want to go to therapy in the first place. Unfortunately I am really messed up so it is a necessary evil if I ever want to be halfway normal before I die.

[Flinders40]

Another thing - she always asks me “do you have any feelings about my going away?” I actually laughed and said, “No, not at all. Were you expecting me to get upset or whine about it?”
That question really pissed me off.
Do therapists really think that highly of themselves? To think that their patients will fall apart so easily in their absence? Even if I were upset - I don’t think I would give her the satisfaction.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I suspect the question was more about having some clients who truly do fall apart when their therapists aren't around. Just covering the bases. Is this a relatively new therapist for you? If so, might just be being careful. My therapists were more careful about their absence the first time, but they got to know me well enough over time to realize I wasn't bothered when they were away. Sometimes it is just a learning curve.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Flinders40

Another thing - she always asks me “do you have any feelings about my going away?” I actually laughed and said, “No, not at all. Were you expecting me to get upset or whine about it?”
That question really pissed me off.
Do therapists really think that highly of themselves? To think that their patients will fall apart so easily in their absence?

I also found that sort of thing extremely insulting. I never cared if the woman went away or not.
And yes - I think they do think that highly of themselves. They expect to be adored and idolized.

[Flinders40]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I also found that sort of thing extremely insulting. I never cared if the woman went away or not.
And yes - I think they do think that highly of themselves. They expect to be adored and idolized.

Right? I actually asked her once how she copes with the adulation of her patients. Of course, she side-stepped the question.

[Flinders40]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

I suspect the question was more about having some clients who truly do fall apart when their therapists aren't around. Just covering the bases. Is this a relatively new therapist for you? If so, might just be being careful. My therapists were more careful about their absence the first time, but they got to know me well enough over time to realize I wasn't bothered when they were away. Sometimes it is just a learning curve.

I’ve been seeing her for about 15 months. Maybe she thinks I will eventually start to miss her.

[autonoe]

It doesn't bother me when my therapist is away. Sometimes it even feels good when he's gone and I get a little break.

[Xynesthesia2]

I never had any issues about my Ts going away personally but it is a very common, recurring theme on this forum so I believe it is relatively common. I guess many Ts know this and that's why they assume... it happened to me as well, even to the point that a T assumed I was blocking out some feeling or wasn't honest. BS! I do think there are many Ts who actually want to experience clients intensely missing them, whether they are aware of it or not. I just plainly said to mine a few times it does not even cross my mind and there is no reason to spend discussion time on it... I did have to repeat a few times with both Ts I saw before they seemed to get it and, I believe, one of them never even got it. I told them also in my everyday life, it is very rare I have intense anxiety and discomfort when someone is away and I don't hear from them for a while, I don't assume they would disappear or don't care because they have other things going on in their lives. I occasionally felt milder forms of that with a couple romantic partners or people I felt a very strong connection with, but none of my Ts fell in those categories.

[Flinders40]

In the time I have seen her (15 months) I have been away for extended periods of time. She has offered to Skype with me — but I absolutely loathe video chatting so I politely turned her down and NOT once have I contacted her during those periods. In fact, I have never emailed, texted or called her in between sessions. So I don’t understand why she keeps bringing it up.

[Xynesthesia2]

Originally Posted by Flinders40

In the time I have seen her (15 months) I have been away for extended periods of time. She has offered to Skype with me — but I absolutely loathe video chatting so I politely turned her down and NOT once have I contacted her during those periods. In fact, I have never emailed, texted or called her in between sessions. So I don’t understand why she keeps bringing it up.

I think sometimes they think a client has strong avoidant tendencies that prevent them from seeking and using available help. That can be a valid concern IMO as being very avoidant can cause many problems for people, both in the interpersonal world and in many other areas. But if it is not an issue for you, then it is not an issue, even if it's relatively common for therapy clients. I emailed my Ts a lot between sessions but rarely expected responses and don't recall ever being very upset when I did not get one. I emailed mostly because I had a lot of observations and thoughts and wanted to share, get them out as a way to process them, to someone I expected to be interested in what went on in my psyche. It was also often a form of compulsion and distraction for me, so not necessarily good because I used it to spend sometimes unnecessary time with analysis paralysis instead of doing much more constructive things. In any case, it had nothing to do with missing the Ts but they misinterpreted it for a good while. It was more the opposite for me than being anxious about their absence: I appreciated when they kept proper boundaries and did not engage with me just for the sake of it, beyond their roles. It is not unusual, let alone a problem, if you don't feel that way. I find that people who are very avoidant are usually aware, on some level, that it is coming from insecurity and fear rather than simply not having an excessive need for company or proof of caring.

[Spirit of Trees]

If I see my T once a week, I'm fine. Two weeks is stretching it and then I start missing her badly if it's been over 3 weeks. As for how much I miss her, I find I miss my T less when I'm less socially isolated (meeting friends etc). But normal loneliness + missing my T is a rough combo. Hard to deal with.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

I don't think I have a secure attachment to anyone. I have no problem with my T taking time off because I am avoidant and never want to go to therapy in the first place. Unfortunately I am really messed up so it is a necessary evil if I ever want to be halfway normal before I die.

Haha, we ARE alike. I could have written this post, too!

Tp OP, I don't care when my therapist goes away. I don't particularly care when she comes back either. But I know I have to make myself do therapy if I want to get to a place where I can experience a little bit more of life.

[Lrad123]

I read a quote that I thought was interesting and expresses how I feel about my T: “Avoidants want someone in the house, just not in the same room.” I like knowing my T is around just in case something pops up in my life, but I have a hard time actually being around him even though I like him. My T has been on vacation and although I was anxious about the vacation, as the day that I will see him approaches, I find myself looking for reasons to cancel.

[velcro003]

No, it doesn't bother me when my T goes away. I get to save money!

[nottrustin]

With long term T I really struggled when she was on vacation bit she didnt take a vacation for the first 5 or so years I saw her. With EMDR T we just don't have the close relationship T and I had plus she takes 3 or 4 weeks a year off (1 week at a time) so it doesn't bother me nearly as much. I also refuse to allow myself to become as attached