[justbreathe1994]

Hi All,
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I guess I just wanted to write on here because today has felt painful to say the least. On September 4, it will have been 1 year since Ex T’s and my final session. I don’t like to think the anniversary of our goodbye has anything to do with the intense feelings of grief I’m having right now, but the feelings are not something I can really deny.

I am doing really well. I am 1 month sober (I relapsed a month ago, but before that I had like 5 months), I was working with a sponsor who I unfortunately now have to stop working with since I’ve developed a crush on them, and I have a big girl job on the psychology field. Everything on the outside looks really good, but I still can’t shake this feeling. I think the biggest hurdle is just knowing what to feel, which I’ve always struggled with since the beginning - should I be angry at myself? At her? Should I feel guilty? Should I feel grateful to her for taking the crap I spewed at her during those four years? I just don’t know. People who I’ve told about our relationship tell me that Ex T made a lot of mistakes, but I don’t think I’ve ever really come to believe those things for myself. The shame always wins. Maybe someday I’ll feel neutral about what happened, and maybe after a year, the feelings I’d shame and grief have indeed lessened so. A lot of change is happening in my life, and I think my brain goes back to her because for so long, she was the rock I depended on to never change. I miss depending on her, as ugly as that sounds.

[SalingerEsme]

I can’t believe a whole year passed by. I am still sorry for the way your T handled things. I am one who thinks she made many mistakes.

[Taylor27]

Hugs, what she did was wrong and very hurtful. It's understandable to have these emotions even a year later. Hugs. Congrats on one month from alcohol, im 21.5 months sober.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, anniversaries can bring those feelings out more. I struggled quite a bit on the 1-year anniversary of terminating with ex-MC.

[JaneTennison1]

I think it will get better. A year out from ex T 1 I dont think I would believe that but then here I am nearing 4 years and it's improved so much. The shame of what I did eventually lifted. Like you I'm not sure where to put T. She wasnt very bad nor was she very good. She did some amazing things in my life and I can see that now without being angry or ashamed.

keep on. hugs

[ScarletPimpernel]

When my ex-T's anniversary comes around, it still affects me. It gets easier. I'm sorry you're still dealing with the pain and the confusion. But look at all you've done without her! Congrats on all your achievements! Especially being sober! It's okay that you had a relapse. You got back on track and now have a month under your belt! Great job!

[SlumberKitty]

It's been almost a year for me as well. The pain of losing former T is still a deep well. HUGS and congrats on your month sober! Kit