Couch 205: The 5 x 41 Couch

It sounds like something I would say. I grew up with 6 brothers so saying things like this don't cross my mind as something NOT to say.

I started on the submissions for next week’s writing workshop on campus. We have a published novelist in the workshop this semester and so there’s a chapter draft. In a note at the start she describes her research, which includes consulting psychics to talk to her subjects. Don’t think I can take this seriously.

I am finding myself to be so full of anger this past week, and I don't know if it's me or the medication. I want to hurt someone or myself. I feel like I'm super close to snapping and I don't want to or like feeling this way. I just feel so upset.

Today T and I spent 40 minutes talking about nothing, and then a very intense 10 minutes discussing the fact that I ran into him and his family after group last week. It led to a discussion of how I'd looked up his wife about a year ago after finding her name in the acknowledgements of a paper he'd written. He was flabbergasted that I hadn't mentioned this to him. He's always surprised when he finds out that I've kept something from him, or just didn't think to mention it.

I am getting those weird sounds it sounds like birds butnvery faint birdsand comes with a strange disociative feeling. Kind of like being stoned without the lethergy i get.

Getting news that one of our high school students died last night from a heart attack. It's going to be a hard week.

That would really annoy me. Seems like he has a huge ego or some sort of weird conceptualization of how therapy works. Unless he's a psychoanalyst, which I know he isn't, having any sort of expectation that you will lay bare your every thought to him is ridiculous.

Do you mind if I ask which medication it is? Don't answer if you don't want to, of course, I just wondered because I think I remember you saying this new medication is also causing some restlessness. When I tried abilify, it made me extremely, extremely restless. I felt like I was going to dart out of my skin. I don't remember feeling any angrier than usual, but I have a tendency towards anger and irritability already so I don't know if I would have noticed. The restlessness subsided after a few weeks, but the abilify didn't really help me much so I went off it.

Also, if this med is preventing you from being able to sleep, that could certainly cause you to have a short temper - so it could be an indirect side effect.

It is Abilify. My pdoc started me on 2 mg for a week and wants me to try the 5 mg for a week. But he did say that if things feel worse after a few days to stop it and call them asap.

Oh, I’m so sorry....

With how irritable I've been this weekend I've still managed to complete all my classwork for the week. My paper wasn't due until Wednesday night but I got that done and turned it in yesterday. I also completed my week 6 discussions and working on week 7 one tonight. So now I'll only have week 7 and week 8 discussions to finish and I'll be done with those for the rest of the class. I have 3 more assignments to finish for the class that I'm going to try to work on the rest of this weekend. My T seems to think that it's not a good thing for me to put all my focus into my coursework and ignore myself. I guess I agree but I can't ignore my classes either.

Not sure if this helps at all, but I had a similar reaction to ability. I’m generally a pretty calm, slow to anger person, but on ability I was extremely irritable, and it drove me into the hospital because I felt so emotionally unstable.

Something happened with my husband last night that’s been bothering me. I’m trying to figure out how to talk to him about it or if I’m just overreacting. Trigger warning for sexual content. I was laying down, facing away from my husband. I heard him moving closer to me so I turned around, at which point he Would normal people be upset over this? I know he didn’t have bad intentions.

That is what's really worrying me. I feel so angry and just unstable, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm used to thoughts of hurting myself and those don't scare me aw much, but I'm worried I'm going to lose it on someone else. And that's scary to feel and not feel like I can control it or calm down .

I took my last self-appraisal into session. T was just as baffled as I was with some of what they wanted. We did come up with some things to put down. I struggle with these in the best of times. I'm doing better at work, I still feel like I'm only averaging about 50-60% of my time at work actually working. T helped me not be so critical about that.

If it bothers you, it bothers you and you have every right to say something to him about it.

I took a 400+ mile road trip on a whim today because driving was allowing me to dissociate and it felt better than being present. I ended up swinging by my (ex-)husband's prison. It looks like a prison, but it's less daunting looking than the first one they sent him to which looked a bit more Shawshank-esque (that one was a much closer drive). It was very beige with lots of razor wire. He's going to get served with a restraining order and the starting salvo of divorce papers within a very short window of time. I didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.

hi couchies. well my sister weekend was a bit of a bust this year, as half the girls canceled, but at least I got to see 3 of them. A picked me up halfway between my mom's and her house on Friday and we hung out talking and watching that Brady Renovation show last night and we didn't even drink haha and were in bed by 8:30pm. Some party! haha! well we are getting older I guess... then this morning one of our other friends came and hung out with us for 4 hours, and later this afternoon another friend came for another 4 hours or so and she drove me back to my mom's. It was nice to see them, but not the crazy fun that we usually have when it's all of us! Now I'll be hanging out with my mom and sister except tuesday evening i'm going to hang out with my old sunday school friends, we haven't seen each other in years but have been chatting off & on on facebook for the past coupla years. We spent lots of time together as kids both on sundays and on thursday nights for jr choir practice and whatever night youth group was, i have forgotten. it will be nice to see them again too! i'm kinda already ready to go back home though. i'm such a home body.

Hi Couch,

Feeling really vulnerable today - post trigger malaise has well and truly got me.

I don't know, I kind of disagree with your therapist. I think distraction can be very helpful, especially if you have severe symptoms relating to SH and SI. And I think it's great that you're so on top of your coursework despite everything else. In my personal experience, when school performance slides due to mental health issues, that actually becomes an aggravating factor for the mental health issues itself. For example, when stress and anxiety reach a certain point for me, it triggers a cascade of PTSD related symptoms that I am not yet able to control very well. If I am already experiencing some PTSD related symptoms or depression or what have you and allow my coursework to slide, my anxiety and stress will increase due to being worried about my grade and succeeding in the course. That anxiety and stress will in turn feed into the precipitating symptoms and it turns into a vicious cycle that can be really hard to escape.

I understand that you need to not neglect yourself, but I think being diligent about your school work is a positive. What exactly does your therapist want you to be doing, though? I'm unclear.