Therapy Ultimatum?

Is it bad to use therapy as an ultimatum for a relationship? Like if I told my husband he has to either do individual therapy on his own or couples counseling with me? I really feel like it’s the only way things could improve for us. Some of you may have seen my post on the couch about what happened Friday night with my husband, but I’ll repost here for those who haven’t seen..

“Trigger warning for sexual content. I was laying down, facing away from my husband. I heard him moving closer to me so I turned around, at which point he Would normal people be upset over this? I know he didn’t have bad intentions.”

Anyway, I brought this up to my husband tonight, saying that I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way, but I need him to ask me first before touching me in a sexual way because with past trauma, it reminds me of things and causes flashbacks. He got really defensive and started saying things like “this is your problem,” “I can’t believe you’re blaming me for this,” “you’re confused and don’t know what you want,” “I just won’t ever surprise you again even if you ask for it,” “you have all these rules of what I can or can’t do,” “it’s all your fault.” I don’t know how to bounce back from this without making him go to therapy... I feel awful about what he said. He kept saying I was putting him in the same category as the people who violated me, but I wasn’t. I don’t know what to do. Can therapy even help? I feel sick to my stomach.

This is tough. In the end, I think therapy only works if the person who goes (or the people for couples counseling) actually want to work on themselves. An ultimatum to me sounds like a one sided thing. If your husband sees that he should change to some degree, then that's good, but if you just force him, I don't think your relationship will improve through that.

As for your discussion: I can see both sides. I get flashbacks every week and that's unpleasant. If I can, I try to avoid triggers. At the same time, we can't expect everyone around us to be aware of all our triggers and want them to always act accordingly. I'm not sure whether you do that or not, but the statement 'you have all these rules of what I can and can't do' sounds like you are trying to do that.
It certainly wasn't okay for him to trigger you like that (I'll say that there's people that wouldn't be upset over what happened though), but at the same time even if he doesn't do this again, there's other things that can trigger you. Some of them he might avoid, but others he might either not know about until it's too late or he might forget, or might simply also want to not do everything the way you need to have it.

To me it sounds like couples therapy would be a good idea if your husband is open to that. It doesn't seem like your husband has necessarily problems of his own, but I feel that having somebody help you so that both of you are bothered less by the others behavior would help.

Your husband having therapy isn’t going to stop your triggers. Your triggers are your issue to work through in your therapy, or perhaps discuss in couple’s therapy. We really cannot make other people responsible for our reactions. Those are on us. I don’t see your husband as deliberately setting out to trigger you.

Summer, he may not have intended to trigger you, but once we know that we’ve inadvertently triggered someone, “It’s your fault,” to the person who was triggered is not an appropriate response.

Bottom line: the thing about an ultimatum is that you have to be prepared to follow through. Otherwise it’s just an empty threat.

If you feel couples counseling might help him understand what you’re dealing with and how he can support, and give you both some guidance in talking about triggers, it’s not a bad idea. But you have to be clear that it’s not about forcing him to therapy. It’s about knowing that you cannot be in this relationship unless something shifts.

I am uncomfortable with the idea of giving an ultimatum about individual counseling, and keep in mind this is coming from someone who’s btdt, unless there’s some pretty specific individual issue that makes the relationship untenable without that outside accountability or support.

The word of babe triggers me 😁

You can't force someone to go to therapy, it won't work if you do. Couples therapy is a little different and could help you both find a way of being with each other. Perhaps he could understand more about where you're coming from and vice versa.

I don't know that the incident itself is a deal breaker (unless he's done it before) but the way he responded to you afterwards is worrying (from my perspective). You told him you were triggered/upset and he turned it around and blamed you. Does he do this a lot? If so, it's not a good sign that he's willing to work on his own stuff and take responsibility for his part. He should have apologised and left it at that.

I would have also been really bothered by what happened. And his reaction when you tried to talk about it later would have bothered me more. I recently triggered one of my friends with something I said, and I was very apologetic, saying I wasn't thinking, etc. I didn't blame her or say I'd never talk about anything with her again. Which is what it seems your husband was doing. I agree with those who said he has to be willing to do some work if he goes to counseling. I'd suggest couples counseling over individual, because then at least you can see if he's trying to do work and explain what's going on with you. If nothing else, maybe a couples therapist could help him understand how triggers work. If you could find one who's both trained in trauma and does couples counseling, that would be ideal. I'm not sure about the ultimatum part--could you maybe not word it quite that way? But more like, "Is this something you'd be willing to do for me, to go to couples counseling? Because things aren't working now, and I'm not sure how to make it better." (not those exact words). Maybe see if he'd agree to even just trying, say, a month of it.

Your H's response to knowing you were triggered by his actions is pretty insensitive really. It sounds like he didn't know how to deal with it and his automatic reaction was to become defensive, which is about him and his insecurities. I would be upset about that just as much as, if not more, than what he actually did. But that's just me.

Therapy will usually only be helpful if the person wants to be there and able to take some personal responsibility for issues and reactions. You could certainly suggest it to H and say it may help him understand more what you're dealing with, but if he refuses to see things from your viewpoint a therapist's input probably won't make any difference.

I'm sorry your H isn't more supportive.

Thank you everyone for your input. I guess I should have clarified that when I said “therapy as an ultimatum,” I definitely would not have phrased it like that when bringing it up to my husband. It would be more along the lines of what LT said as an example.

I’m not really sure what to do. I’m bothered by his response, but it seems like it actually is just my problem maybe? I’m trying really hard to get over what happened and what he said. I do see his perspective, but I’m also a little confused, because I hardly EVER tell him that something he does is triggering me. I believe that when we were dating I did have issues with sex in general and would sometimes have to stop if I had flashbacks, and he knew that, but it wasn’t any specific act I was telling him not to do or was “triggering” me. Honestly there are only 2 things I can think of that I told him not to do because of past stuff. One is to not playfully slap my thighs, because I had an ex who used to hit me really hard there and not stop when I would ask. The other is to knock before coming in when I’m showering, just so I know he’s entering, because my dad had watched me in the shower without me knowing. I cannot think of any situation since we’ve been married (4 years) that I have told him an act was triggering to me during, before, or after sex.

I feel pretty messed up right now and like he is right that this is my fault, my problem. I don’t know. Am I wrong for asking him to ask me before beginning a sexual act with me? I’m so confused right now. I feel like everything my therapist has taught me about consent says that’s ok to ask for, but now what he is saying what people are saying here has me thinking I probably overreacted and should not have spoken to him about what happened. My mind is all over the place right now and I’m feeling really confused and conflicted.

So, 2 things:

First, I want to validate that what your husband did was not OK and that how he responded to you was also not OK.

Second, I know that my therapist would not see a client who was "ultimatumed" into going, because he won't see anyone who isn't there 100% of their own free will & desire. That said, not every therapist will have this rule, and I have ultimatumed my own husband into therapy before.

All depends on context... I don't have sexual trauma history and a single (or occasional) act like that would not bother me if we have a good relationship in general. However, if a partner repeatedly disrespected my will and my boundaries in terms of what works for me and what does not, it wold definitely bother me and I would not tolerate, especially if other aspects of the relationship are problematic as well. I would never give anyone such an ultimatum about therapy though. I would about changing their behavior (however that is achieved), if it is indeed their repetitive problem behavior. If everything is okay for the most part, I imagine you could benefit more from therapy regarding your reaction, maybe invite him into a session or two, to help him understand the larger context of how this triggers you and how not to do that.

What he did comes across as selfish and inconsiderate - driven by his own desires and objectifying you (without checking if it was okay with you first). Knowing your history, he ought to have been more sensitive.

Clearly you need to set boundaries & make it clear that he doesn't own you and not to impose his needs with such blatant disregard for you.

His reaction 'this is not my problem' doesn't paint him in a good light. He's putting it all on you and basically saying it is all your fault. Maybe an ultimatum is what he needs to face. However, given his reaction and defensiveness, I am not sure he would be willing to go to therapy. Would you be able to follow through on your ultimatum then?

I don't think telling your husband he needs to go to therapy or couple's counseling will solve this problem. Your husband has shown time and time again that he is emotionally abusive. You can't make him change his behavior, you can only decide if you're going to accept it.

Again, for emphasis. He. Is. Abusive. I have heard him speak to you. It is not ok.

I don't think it's 'just your problem'. Being able to deal with your things if you are triggered, that's your thing to work on. But that doesn't mean it's okay to tell you that it's 'all your fault' or that 'you have all these rules' if that's not actually the case. It sounds like both of you have a part in this, it's difficult for an outsider to say how much is on your husband (from the second post I'd say at least 80% is on him) and how much on you.
I still feel like couple's counseling would help. It seems to me that your husband needs some help in understanding how to react to trauma and to your issues and discussing his emotions about it properly, but I'd think these things he could best learn if you are also there to actually explain what the issues are and both of you can have a discussion on it.

I have no advice. Just that I would be upset too and I feel your H's defensiveness to be concerning especially as he knows your history. And you weren't blaming or harsh or anything, but stated things very gently too.

I get triggered with my partner and he doesn't blame or shame me for it EVER, even if we both didn't expect the trigger.