Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Hi R,

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed when good things happen? I'm not sure it is...

I feel like you have disappeared from existence and I just can't feel the connection to you at all. I know it's me that's the problem - I'm disconnected from me. I miss you so much though. I feel like I need you to make me feel better and I'm the only one who can do that aren't I? Maybe I just want to sit and be sad with you.

Is it in your best interest to make sure I stay ****ed up?

I feel like the spell has broken after 2 years of seeing you and I don’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. I don’t know what strange tension was present between us for that long and what I’m supposed to do now that it’s gone.

Thanks for calling and checking on me. I am trying to remain distracted but I know where I will go the next time that I call... I'm just so unstable.

I dunno T. I just read some stuff I wrote about you two years ago and I was saying the exact same things I am feeling now. I was struggling with the d a m n boundaries, I was lamenting the limitations and struggling with the gap between sessions. Nothing has changed. What's the point?

L, I know that there is value in working with this transference crap. I've seen it. I was able to finally forgive my mother because of our working within it. But don't you think there is a point where the value does not outweigh the turmoil it is causing me? I can't do this anymore but at the same time I feel trapped by my feelings. This freshest bout of it started because of my recent realization about why I wanted you to do a sand tray with me awhile back. The fires of transference were lit again in a big way. It's a ****ing bonfire burning out of control. Why couldn't you just do a ****ing sand tray with me all those months ago when I first asked (or said a hard no) instead of pushing it off every time I asked and dangling it like the proverbial ****ing carrot?! Why did I feel the need to come in and tell you face to face that I wanted to stop? I should have emailed it. To hell with what all the websites say that I've read on the subject that say do it face to face.

Sometimes I say really funny stuff in general without realizing I’m being funny but it’s been happening in therapy too. I think it’s just my autism and I am just so literal and matter of fact. My therapist is trained in autism so she recognizes these signs so she doesn’t laugh but I can see her holding in a smile. It doesn’t bother me because looking back on it the things I say can be pretty funny. At my last session I said “yeah I drove by it on my way to get Kentucky Fried Chicken.” Not realizing until later just how Hilarious that sounded. I could tell she was trying hard not to laugh.

So my thinking is off. It has been since last night. I'm safe and I'm unsure whether it bothers me.

Of course I end up having a bunch of dumb stuff going on right when you're out of town.

I know that you think consistency is important. But.I.don't.want.to.do.this.anymore.

I need to try something different.

Treble Clef,

I've been feeling jealous that you have a wife but I don't.

-Butterfly

I hope I did not make a mistake agreeing to come next week.

I wish there was a script for life somehow.

I know it's the end of the day for you but please don't fall asleep (or almost) while I'm here, whether I'm talking or not

I think this is your fault. I think you shared too much of your feelings towards me. I think that is why my need for you has gone the way it did with T1. I think you thought sharing your process was valuable but wrongly thought that this extended to sharing the love you feel towards me, or the attraction you have felt at times. That isn't valuable because it puts unmeetable needs so close to being met that they almost feels in reach, then it kills me that they are not. It was easier back when there was a modicum of caution in how you expressed your feelings to me. When I didn't know that you loved me, or believe that in another set of circumstances we could have been in love with each other. That is too painful because it conflates here and now needs with ancient needs and that's not the same for you. These feelings don't have that strength attached to them for you. Because when you say you love me, you are speaking a here-and-now truth, but you are simultaneously teasing me that you could heal infant wounds, and it is those wounds that make me crave you to the point where almost nothing else matters. Can't you see? Your love for me and particularly what I suspect is your counter-ET is more than a jolly interesting phenomenon to work with in the therapy room - it is the antidote to 35 years of grief, pain and emptiness offered to me on a plate then snatched away. F*** therapy.

Atleast I know you weren't arrested because I checked your mother's facebook account 1 min after she had just updated a photo of her, you and your daughter together.

I don't care that you went away.

I still passed my exam without you.

I don't need you now.

This time it was only 11 days, but Christmas will be almost a month.

Dear T, oh my gosh, what a session. I could see how poorly you felt and it means a lot you would see me even though I was worried about you. And then you had to tell me about not being able to make some dates and I got upset and you started crying as well saying it broke your heart to see me sad because of what you'd had to tell me. You're the most empathic t I've ever had and although I never thought I could deal with a t crying in the room or even think it would be appropriate it actually helped me so much in this situation because we connected through it. Thank you so much for caring.

I wish you had never said "you don't know me" and I wish you had never brought up that soul friend thing. I wish there had been another way for me to get to the forgiving my mom than through this fierce and now nothing more than painful attachment to you. I needed it for a long time so it was worth it, but it's just not worth it any more and I don't know how to turn it off other than to stop seeing you. I really do not see twice a week sessions as a way to turn it off. Turn up your own damn heat and figure out how to help me leave.

I emailed to cancel our friday session.