Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I guess this is probably my fault somehow. For loving you too much and not knowing how to deal w it

She did say “don’t look at your sleep app until our next session.” Then didn’t bring it up again. So I’ve been looking at it since she said “this week” and that was 2 weeks ago. I’ve been getting a high heart rate or a high breath rate notice every night on it. So yeah kinda important to look at it.

By the way T when did you schedule our next appointment? Because I never got a confirmation text the way I always do....

No. It's my fault for not telling you before the depths of it. Did you suggest twice a week thinking it would burn it out? It wouldn't. It would just get little arts hopes up that she can have more than she can again.

**** everything you know? Haha haha yeah. Your gonna hear me ****ing roar. Ohhhhhhh

I love my h he puts up w my crazy ***

Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

Imsorryimsorryimsorryi sorru

Idontdeserveyouinecverdeservedyiuplsdonthateme

It's weird to feel better, but also know that you can't help me anymore. I'll find a new T in the meantime and I wonder if I'd like her too?

I thought about calling you but I know I see you in the morning. I'm upset and could use someone to help calm me down.

earlier this year, I went three months without an appt with you - which isn't totally out of the ordinary for me, but knowing what I was going thru, you should've noticed that! my last session before my 'break', I didn't say the exact words, but me was screaming for help ..... and you completely missed it!!!!!
you know I don't open up that easily but the signs were there, screaming about the help I needed from you -> and you completely missed it!!

the one time I ACTUALLY 'needed' you and you missed it. and what's worse, is you never reached out. so I MYSELF needed a break from you! and to make things worse, you never remembered that session or even brought it up again!!!!!
[you know, like "last time you talked about..."]

not sure I can forget this......................

I am worried that seeing you this week would be a mistake

Your extinction rebellion group is stupid and I hate everything about you.

I know what bugged me the most about last week's session. You weren't really listening to me.

Dear T,
Well, that was an interesting one! I guess I've now heard you squawk like a parrot, so that's...something. I got your point though. And I like that we're able to joke around again--I feel like that went away over the summer. And Abe Lincoln???
Love,
LT

T,
I really need weekly sessions. How do I build up trust when my head keeps tearing it down?

You were really pushy last week. Don't be that way Thursday. Sometimes I need you to push me. Now is not one of those times because you just pushed me farther away.

I just thought about something, t. The more I try to work on myself, the screwed-upper I feel, because of my feelings about you/this stupid, ignorent, annoying, asinine, convoluted ****ing transference crap so what's the damn point?!

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE I'm done. and your not there to catch me. I need you not the on call.

New poem. Heh.

Transference, transference
you can kiss my ***-ference
what more really is there I can say?

And why can't you just let me be happy with good enough **** damn ****!

omg why did i have to send you that stupid pathetic email the other night i am so STUPID!!!!!!!!

okokok i know we probably should talk about what I wrote to you. but i am not going to engage in therapy about therapy. i am looking for a different t, for when I feel ready to engage in this work with someone again.


it can't be you

Dear T

I know you won't care if I take a break. I'm just so sick of missing you and I struggle to think of a way my life has been helped in the last few months by therapy. I just need out.

"I just need out" oh how I feel that, Jane.