Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Dear T, I don't know why I feel so bad. Well I do know really. Past stuff. I was triggered - badly. But you reassured me, I know it's all fine, it's always been fine and you've never let me down. I just can't get out of my head how it felt to turn up and wait and believe you had forgotten I was coming. It hurt so much. I honestly thought this was it, I wouldn't be seeing you anymore, it had all gone wrong. I'm trying not to get pulled back into that story but my heart is hurting. It wants to be pulled into it. I don't have the strength to keep myself okay and in the present all the dam time.

Hi T

I asked to schedule an appointment but I honestly dont know if I should even go,

Last session u seemed so apathetic and uninterested

You asked "why'd you stop talking ?"

I thought... well u seem pretty bored

I was so excited to tell you my 2 big news. But ur response was very lackluster

Idk t . I think a lot these days about endings . And what it will look like. I wonder if you think of it too ?

I just feel so detached right now from my therapy . But isnt that the goal? I have my own life now ... friends...a good job that I am excelling it

At what point is it pointless to bring up trauma over and over ....

A lot of these thoughts are fears I have that you are tired of me and my therapy. That you want me to stop coming

And I seriously beg you that if that is the case, just tell me.

Really fighting the urge to text you this evening. Also wanting to 'forget' to pay again as you know I'm really on the ball with that and you will wonder why I haven't. Childish and ridiculous perhaps. Why can't I just tell you I am angry? Because it feels pointless. The situation is over, done and dusted, and nothing has actually changed. Except that something has, internally. I can't get past the hurt I'm feeling. Maybe tomorrow things will look better again and I will manage this. I hope so.

I didn't tell you this but while I was waiting at the door part of me was thinking 'text her and tell her you're outside. Maybe she hasn't heard the door or something. Just let her know you're there.' But another part, a younger part, said 'Don't be stupid. She doesn't care or want you there. If she won't answer the door then just go. It just proves you don't matter.' So guess which part won? I could have stayed in the adult and just sent a cheery text to you saying 'I'm here T and you're not answering...everything ok?' but that would have been the easy thing to do. The rejected child came out for a reason and now she doesn't feel heard because although you apologised you were quick to say it's my brain doing this to me and none of it is real. The fact is, in that moment it was real to the child and she is wanting you to know the anger and pain but feels you're not going to listen and therefore it's pointless. I've had this with other ts before but never with you...until now. I feel so awful I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like walking away but I know that will just hurt me.

The perks of being nutty.

I can have good days straight after losing it.

Psychiatry exam in around 19 days.

It's as though you exist in this thread, and I can come here and talk to you, make contact. I know it's not real.

i don't know that t means anymore.
i don't know what support from a t means anymore.
i feel like i am an object to study when i am in your office.
i feel like you don't have any idea about the things i am telling you, so essentially i am just going to t to complain. you don't understand the feeling that i have.
i used to think that going to t helped me think through my weekly stressors.
i am sinking back into work to the absence of other things.
i wonder if, when i see you this week, you will remember the email i sent two weeks ago.

Dear T,
Sometimes I really hate the boundaries of our relationship. It would be nice to actually talk to you about things when they come up and not a week later when I have already buried most of what was bothering me. Ugh. Feelings are stupid.

This isn't fair. I've had a good day (ignoring a couple of calls from the s**t show back home) and I still can't sleep. All I can think about is coming to see you. Even painkillers, antidepressants and a fair measure of single-malt haven't knocked me out. I've been on my feet all day, no naps and minimal food. I should be out like a light. I still need the space or work provided, I can't achieve that on my own.

you're not alone, I feel this way too! if I'm gonna dredge something up and even prep myself for 'facing it', let's get it done at once, even if it takes longer than the clock on the wall says!!! cuz by the time I see you next, it might be buried or covered or I talk myself out of it/telling you.

or I get there and have finally convinced myself to bring something up to you, and you waste over half the time talking about random things that come to you. then with 5-10mins left, what do you expect me to do?!?!

i wish you'd take the initiative and say "I'd like to see you back here in x-time". i don't want to say you're lacking on the professional side. but don't leave it up to me, knowing people with depression isolate and talk themselves out of doing things (ie going to t-appts)

I need something...but I don't know what.

'Never been so crazy
Never felt so sure
Wish I had the answer to give
Don't even have the cure...'

Stuck Inside A Cloud

I'm actually happy.

T! T! T! Where are you?

Psychiatry exam in around 17 days.

I'm double thinking about going back over Christmas.

P.s we'd have 8 sessions left before you leave again.

Dear T,
So last night I had this really random dream about you and your wife (think it's the first time she's appeared in my dream). You mentioned having 6 brothers and 13 sisters, which I'm pretty sure isn't the case! (I know you have at least one brother.) And your house was like a mansion. But you said you slept in the basement because you couldn't figure out the fancy bed in the bedroom (???). You were going to some JFK wine cellar (something famous in my dream), and I happened to be walking with you (and your wife), and I was like, "Well, I don't want to tag along, but I've never been there before, so..." (and in my dream, I knew this was a lie and figured I was being clever in getting myself invited along). So he said that sure I could come. He seemed disappointed that there was another person in the cellar, which also had all these gifts that seemed like they were antiques but were just knockoffs. You said you had to pick out a bottle of wine for your wife, so you'd know what snacks to make for her for the day. I was like, "Maybe you could teach that to [my H]!" and you both laughed. I recall thinking, "Well, I guess you are in fact still together with your wife and seem quite happy, so the not wearing your ring must not have meant anything." Your son wasn't around though.

Not sure what *that* was all about...Certainly not going to share it with you in real life though! (well, maybe I'd share the 6 brothers and 13 sisters because that was kinda funny.)

Love,
LT

You might not want my commentry- but to me it just read that you want to be apart of his world too. But this bit stood out for me. You also want the same snacks that he's making/giving to his wife.

Snacks= food. Feeding. Filling you up.

This makes a lot of sense, thanks. Both the wanting to be part of his world and the part about the snacks filling me up. And I guess that would also speak to him taking care of me.

11 more days until I see you. Three weeks is a long time. It's occurred to me just not to go back. But I know that's not what I really want.