Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I get why you don’t email me back but I hate that you don’t email me back.

Thank you...thank you for cheering for me, and supporting me when things go a bit awry. Looking forward to letting it hit the air in the morning.

I know I have to do the work, make the connections and get things moving but

Promise me you will help me get out of here!
Please don’t leave me here!

I just told you I was drowning in trauma, to which you said you could understand/see. so why the h**l would you let me leave without knowing when I'd be back?!

I can't tell if dreaming about you is my subconscious trying to cheer me up or rubit in. Either way I'd much prefer the real thing. Aside from our unfinished work I have questions about our last sessions. Sleeping & functioning are still at odds with one another.

“I’m going to be going in there next week weighing less then next time. I don’t know if it will be noticeable or not but I’ll probably tell you about my intentional weight loss plans and please don’t give me that whole “possible ED talk like you’ve given me before.”

I swear some people I know desperately try to convince people they do have one while I’m trying to convince people I don’t have one. I just like losing weight that’s all.

I'm really surprised that I haven't dreamed about you yet since we said happy trails... then again you always, always said those dreams weren't really about you... ya big turkey! You became such a part of me over the past 8 years that it's like I carry you with me in my head or heart or something. Yet it's gonna be weird not seeing you tomorrow, isn't it. I wonder if you will think about me when 4:30 rolls around? I plan to be out hiking.

Dear P,
A little worried you'll call and say, "Yeah, I don't think I can really work with D." Like in the sense that you don't have the skill set. I have no idea how a first session like that is supposed to go, so no clue if it went well, terribly, or somewhere in between. Maybe we need a session with just me and H talking to you? I don't know. D seemed to like you OK. So, we'll see...
--LT

Dear T

I really wish you would just give up on me.

Em

I still dream about PrevT and I haven’t seen her for twenty years. You may dream of your T yet!

Dear T, I'm feeling so immensely sad. I'm sad that you didn't acknowledge my first text although maybe it was so difficult that you didn't want to risk saying anything that would sound trite or unhelpful. But your reply to text 2 was really short and that hurt too. When I mentioned to my friend what you had said she told me that of course you would reply saying we can talk about it cuz she's hardly going to say no we cant is she? It made me cry but I realised my friend is right, you're hardly going to say we can't talk about what happened last week. You were replying in a way that a therapist would. For some reason I was making it up in my head to be bigger than what it is, thinking that it was a really caring response when actually it's standard therapist response. I wonder how much of this relationship I've actually built up in my head to something much bigger than it actually is? The feelings of being genuinely valued and cared about as a person, I wonder how much of that is you being a great therapist and making me feel that way when actually I'm the same as everyone else? It all seems pretty stupid now and I'm trying to get used to the idea that none of it is how I thought it was and it's all pretty pointless really.

L,
Thank you for the sweet note at the end of your notes for me. I love you so so much! The little things matter the most

Dear No. 3,

It’s times like this, when Info is doing her best but still falling way short, that I miss you the most.

ATAT

I'm never going to tell you this, but I feel sort of dismayed at how pretty your wife is.

I keep picturing that cute lil grin you'd do when I had just figured something out that you'd already known for a long time. Yeah, I miss your face already; le sigh.

I'm doing a bit better at being an adult, but I've been bit lower this week and actually haven't been able to study as much, despite dropping out of lectures and sticking with mandatory classes only.

Epidemiology 9/60 = 15 %
Infectious 0/136 = 0%
Psychiatry 11 /66 = 16.6 %

Psychiatry exam in around 14 days, might be 15 as dates haven't been released yet.



See you tomorrow! BTW 2 it's been 20 days since I last saw you.

Haven't had a session that left me feeling like I needed a debrief session for a while...

Dear T: I didn't even miss not seeing you this week. It was more of a relief. What does that say about our relationship? Kit

Dear Pastor T: Crap. You are coming back from vacation and I have done literally NONE of the homework. I don't want to do the homework, but it says in your contract thing I signed that you have to do the homework. I have to get myself in gear and get it done. I wish it were more interesting homework. I just don't want to do it.

Thank you M.

You were trying to check up on me when you were talking to C today! You always think everything is my fault!

it's 4:30pm and I'm thinking about you. have i crossed your mind at all this afternoon?

I wonder if you are going to send me a termination letter. I suspect you won't, because of your leaving a candle in the window metaphor, but I still wonder. And if you do, I wonder how it will make me feel. I am thinking about you a lot this afternoon being one week since I terminated with you.

I am waiting on bated breath to see if you will have to cancel next week's session too bc of something that went horribly wrong with your H's surgery, or you found out bad news or just something terrible happening in general. I really want everything to be okay for you and your family.

Thank you for texting me this morning out of the blue. It means a lot, I feel more able to cope now. The issues are far from resolved, but I feel better.