Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Lemoncake · Oct 08, 2019 at 10:08 AM

Anything you would like to say to your therapist, big or small... post it here.

puzzclar · Oct 08, 2019 at 11:58 AM

Thank you for answering the phone call last njght! Still in a low space, and can't feel anything, don't want to study, which is a problem. Why???? Why do I have to be so low??

junkDNA · Oct 08, 2019 at 12:24 PM

You know , the worst part is that to me, my whole world Is breaking down. Just ... devastated right now. I left work and didnt tell anyone. I'm not safe

But to you....its so insignificant . A mild annoyance, like swatting a fly out of your face .

You will never know the depths of my grief. My greif about YOU. About the last decade of therapy with YOU

well, is this finally it . You were so different 2 months ago. So compassionate and caring, you were THERE. Now ? It's a 180° turn again . I should have expected this. You turn from hot to cold so much

I am confused by this convoluted relationship.

I hope to have the strength to just not go back

I dont even want closure . Because I know this means nothing to you. That I'm just a desperate piece of **** , an annoying fly In your face.

God theres so many memories. What do I do with them all?....

blackocean · Oct 08, 2019 at 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

You know , the worst part is that to me, my whole world Is breaking down. Just ... devastated right now. I left work and didnt tell anyone. I'm not safe

But to you....its so insignificant . A mild annoyance, like swatting a fly out of your face .

You will never know the depths of my grief. My greif about YOU. About the last decade of therapy with YOU

well, is this finally it . You were so different 2 months ago. So compassionate and caring, you were THERE. Now ? It's a 180° turn again . I should have expected this. You turn from hot to cold so much

I am confused by this convoluted relationship.

I hope to have the strength to just not go back

I dont even want closure . Because I know this means nothing to you. That I'm just a desperate piece of **** , an annoying fly In your face.

God theres so many memories. What do I do with them all?....

What’s going on with you and your t?

junkDNA · Oct 09, 2019 at 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blackocean

What’s going on with you and your t?

Its possibly the end of my decade long psychotherapy with my therapist (we shall see tomorrow.... )

Or

It's just another elaborate paranoid delusion my brain has crafted for me ...... again.

But I guess we will see tomorrow

Of course I am going back. Of course .

blackocean · Oct 09, 2019 at 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

Its possibly the end of my decade long psychotherapy with my therapist (we shall see tomorrow.... )

Or

It's just another elaborate paranoid delusion my brain has crafted for me ...... again.

But I guess we will see tomorrow

Of course I am going back. Of course .

I hope all is ok. Hugs

comrademoomoo · Oct 08, 2019 at 12:25 PM

I see you have updated your LinkedIn profile. What a hoot. "Experience and understanding of working with ... " Oh my sides. "Experience of winging it" is more accurate.

Lemoncake · Oct 08, 2019 at 02:01 PM

Actually I am mad at you. I can't even like your stupid picture cause we're not friends on facebook, ( you have that other girl who gave you a review on your list)

Therapy is stupid.

My brain is effed and I only have two days left until friday.

But I know if I did email you, you would still reply despite being away.

I just hate being so weak in this need for you.

nottrustin · Oct 08, 2019 at 02:13 PM

For a couple of months your profile on PT said your practice was completely full. Now it does not say that. I wonder if it is the normal coming and goings of therapy clients or is something else going on. Why does it matter to me??

Out There · Oct 08, 2019 at 02:13 PM

I still might have seen that as positive if you hadn't done something so stupid , thoughtless and hurtful. Idiot.

puzzclar · Oct 08, 2019 at 10:31 PM

I know you care but I don't. I don't want to tell you everything.....

Possible trigger:

I still want to die. I'd prefer to not say it but I know you'll get it out of me. Why can't I keep my big fat mouth shut! Or my face from smiling when you do something funny. Or rather say something. But it doesn't change the fact that I still don't want to be around anymore.

I hope in less than 48 hours something changes. That is when I'll see you again. And I hope pdoc can do something to actually help.

Lemoncake · Oct 09, 2019 at 06:04 AM

Possible trigger:

I just got off a 8 min phone call with my mother. My father was shouting in the background for most of the entire thing. With a lot of swearing at my mother. He was called by the tax office and needs to pay around £1000 back.

Over payments and under payments happen all the time, so I don't think it's a big deal. I can pay it off directly for him when they send him written confirmation of the amount- but what just got me is how bloody scary his stupid rants would have been to a child to witness. I'm not even there but I did feel huge waves of anxiety.

I've actually lost count of the number of times the police were called to the house.

I can't ever imagine you losing your cool like that. I don't think you would ever beat and degrade your wife like that. Your house actually feels like a home.

Ho hum exam on friday.

Jessica Hazlitt · Oct 19, 2019 at 07:47 PM

This isn't fair. I've had a good day (ignoring a couple of calls from the s**t show back home) and I still can't sleep. All I can think about is coming to see you. Even painkillers, antidepressants and a fair measure of single-malt haven't knocked me out. I've been on my feet all day, no naps and minimal food. I should be out like a light. I still need the space or work provided, I can't achieve that on my own.

Jessica Hazlitt · Nov 01, 2019 at 06:27 PM

Too begin with aside from having unfinished business I think I had any regrets about ending therapy, but they are slowly creeping in.
One thing I always felt ashamed of and never asked about comes up almost every night. I'm still resisting contact though. At least until Christmas. Just wish we could go over a few things that make me nauseous still.

Jessica Hazlitt · Nov 04, 2019 at 07:16 AM

I am seriously preoccupied with thoughts of you today, I don't know why.

junkDNA · Nov 05, 2019 at 02:21 PM

I found a photo of u at the treatment center. Remember when they did the fashion show?? U dont have a beard in these . This was in 2011

Sometimes I really super miss being there .. ..... ..

Jessica Hazlitt · Nov 14, 2019 at 08:29 PM

Dear ex T,
once again you've been cropping up in my dreams. It's lovely but also feels a bit cruel, I miss you still. The drama back home has been kicked up again big time. It's like none of them can see facts or the reality. The lingering, it's cruel, I can only hope she genuinely has no idea what's going on. I have so many questions about morality and loss. I was raised by hmmm, I don't eat to say 'bad people'.... My point is I'm not like them, but their way of thinking was beaten into me and its causing a lot of conflict in me. I wish we could have finished our work. Processing all this b.s would be clearer. If you do want to continue, don't wait too long x.

LostOnTheTrail · Dec 22, 2019 at 09:35 AM

Thank you for the Christmas card, and thank you for the kind words. I really appreciate what you did for me on Friday.

Have a wonderful Christmas. See you on the 9th of January.

Lemoncake · Dec 22, 2019 at 07:31 PM

So T something happened around an hour ago and i'm still crying about it now in my brother's bed.

Yes i did make a mistake in coming back and I just want to leave. I knew I wouldn't have the picture perfect christmas tree , or stockings,presents tucked under the tree or the fancy dinner. I just wanted to believe so badly that this year christmas would be different.

I'm so ashamed and you've only been gone less than 6 days.

Jessica Hazlitt · Dec 23, 2019 at 08:57 PM

You were in my dream the other night. We were sat on a bench in a park. It was cold so I was huddled up to you. You were talking but I couldn't hear you, you realise so stop taking and put your arm around me sort of tucking me inside your coat. I put my cold hand up in between your jumper and shirt, you laugh and and put your head on top of mine. Then we just sit there warm and safe, watching the leaves fall and sky eventually darken.
On the one hand it was lovely and made a nice change from the horrific nightmares I've had lately, but on the other hand it sort of cut more deeply. Reminding me how much I miss you and miss working with you.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

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Lemoncake Roses are falling. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,735 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Oct 08, 2019 at 10:08 AM #1 Anything you would like to say to your therapist, big or small... post it here. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

puzzclar Elder Member Since Jan 2010 Location: Where? US Posts: 5,621 14 101 hugs given	Oct 08, 2019 at 11:58 AM #2 Thank you for answering the phone call last njght! Still in a low space, and can't feel anything, don't want to study, which is a problem. Why???? Why do I have to be so low??

comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,729 5	Oct 08, 2019 at 12:25 PM #7 I see you have updated your LinkedIn profile. What a hoot. "Experience and understanding of working with ... " Oh my sides. "Experience of winging it" is more accurate.

nottrustin Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2014 Location: n/a Posts: 4,819 10 375 hugs given	Oct 08, 2019 at 02:13 PM #9 For a couple of months your profile on PT said your practice was completely full. Now it does not say that. I wonder if it is the normal coming and goings of therapy clients or is something else going on. Why does it matter to me?? __________________

Out There Legendary Member Since Oct 2015 Location: England Posts: 11,355 (SuperPoster!) 8 14.6k hugs given	Oct 08, 2019 at 02:13 PM #10 I still might have seen that as positive if you hadn't done something so stupid , thoughtless and hurtful. Idiot. __________________ "Trauma happens - so does healing "

Jessica Hazlitt Member Member Since Sep 2014 Location: UK Posts: 394 9 25 hugs given	Nov 01, 2019 at 06:27 PM #14 Too begin with aside from having unfinished business I think I had any regrets about ending therapy, but they are slowly creeping in. One thing I always felt ashamed of and never asked about comes up almost every night. I'm still resisting contact though. At least until Christmas. Just wish we could go over a few things that make me nauseous still.

Jessica Hazlitt Member Member Since Sep 2014 Location: UK Posts: 394 9 25 hugs given	Nov 04, 2019 at 07:16 AM #15 I am seriously preoccupied with thoughts of you today, I don't know why.