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Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: NJ
Posts: 1,162
5 1,170 hugs
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#801
It’s Monday. Bleh. Time for work. The kids were off school all last week and now today 4 year old goes for his rinky dink 2 hours this afternoon then tomorrow they are off again because there is no school on Tuesdays.
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atisketatasket, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,768
(SuperPoster!)
9 75k hugs
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#802
Hope you got through the night OK, SheHulk and that p-doc goes well.
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SlumberKitty
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SheHulk07
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,799
12 3,133 hugs
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#803
Stupid, persistent, tasty feelings.
__________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
Jersey 4, LonesomeTonight, NP_Complete, SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 2,360
7 4,865 hugs
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#804
I feel like I always leave therapy feeling unsatisfied, like something that I desperately want has been thwarted once again.
I can’t tell if this is Therapeutic somehow (or perhaps a necessary but unfortunate side effect) or just cruddy therapy. |
ElectricManatee, Jersey 4, LonesomeTonight, SheHulk07, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,799
12 3,133 hugs
given |
#805
*work issues intensifying*
__________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
chihirochild, ElectricManatee, Jersey 4, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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Magnate
Member Since May 2017
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,515
6 4,704 hugs
given |
#806
Quote:
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Jersey 4, LonesomeTonight, unaluna, WarmFuzzySocks
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 2,360
7 4,865 hugs
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#807
I hate therapy right now. I just want my damn T to make me feel better and he just won't. He refuses to reassure me (he said once that that felt like an "intimate" act?!). I know that in his mind he is being therapeutic or whatever but to me it just feels like he's being withholding on purpose to hurt me.
And it feels addictive too, like he's stringing me along, keeping me in a constant state of wanting so that I will need him more and more. |
ElectricManatee, Jersey 4, LonesomeTonight, NP_Complete, SlumberKitty, unaluna, WarmFuzzySocks
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Magnate
Member Since May 2017
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,515
6 4,704 hugs
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#808
Quote:
That said, I reassurey/warm&fuzzy/attachmenty therapy. My interim T is HUGE on validation (she literally called herself a "validation wh0re" in session ), and I have started validating myself too, which is not a thing I would have thought possible six months ago. So I don't know if I always agree that being withholding is for the client's own good, especially if they have a history of having their point of view invalidated by others. ETA: Oh, and isn't therapy generally super intimate anyway? All the feelings and sharing and stuff? So that seems like a weird thing for him to say. Maybe he means it feels too intimate for him to do it, because he needs you to be the vulnerable one... |
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chihirochild, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 2,360
7 4,865 hugs
given |
#809
Quote:
I have talked to him about how I'm feeling but I have a hard time remembering his rationale for why he refuses to provide reassurance/nurturance (I think because my heart is kicking and screaming in those moments, and that seems to drown out whatever it is he's saying). One time he said that he's just not a naturally nurturing person (which made me internally go, "wtf dude, you have two kids--what are you doing to them??"). Another time I said that I wanted comfort and containment and he said he wasn't sure how to provide that over the phone (I was out of town at the time), which seemed ridiculous because it's not like we have ever touched each other, why the hell does it matter if we're talking in person or over the phone? Today he said that to reassure me that he doesn't find me repulsive might be emotionally interpreted by me to mean that he finds me attractive (which, I admit, is less ridiculous than it sounds given that we've recently been unearthing some erotic undercurrents in our relationship). Last week he said that to tell me that he likes me well enough and that he has warm feelings towards me would feel like an "intimate" act. So I've told him what I want and how it feels when he doesn't give it to me, and he's explained his rationale... but I'm not sure if I agree with him cognitively and my heart is still hurting. ETA regarding your ETA: That was my response, that therapy is an inherently intimate process! I said that to him and he made some sort of "yes, but" comment that I no longer remember. I didn't take the next step and ask him if he needed me to be the vulnerable one... I'm not sure if that'd be fair to him, he's often quite open with his feelings on other topics (e.g. if he feels guilty for making a mistake that caused me distress, or feels protective of me, or feels embarrassed about some weird thing he's about to say). |
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ElectricManatee, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Magnate
Member Since May 2017
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,515
6 4,704 hugs
given |
#810
Oh yeah, that actually makes total sense. I'm not sure I could get on board with that either. The wanting and the not getting is AGONIZING. And clearly you understand what is reasonable (reassurance, warmth) and what is not reasonable (moving in together) in a therapeutic relationship. Do you feel like there are other important things you can get from him, even if this is a hard no forever? Or are you tempted to look elsewhere? (Or is that not an option? I remember that you had a screwy health insurance situation, even by U.S. standards.)
ETA in response to your... never mind, you get the point: I probably would have brought up the vulnerability thing, but that's mostly because I like my T to know that I am watching her and trying to figure her out just as much as she's doing it to me. (Sadistic streak, maybe?) It does sound like maybe he knows himself fairly well if he mentioned not being a nurturing person, so maybe these are the boundaries he needs for himself to function well and be comfortable as a therapist. He seems like a bit of a cold fish in some ways. Or maybe just very, very, very cautious? |
SlumberKitty
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chihirochild, WarmFuzzySocks
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 2,360
7 4,865 hugs
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#811
Quote:
He seems to think that we have a lot of productive work ahead of us, especially now that we're getting into the scary depths of erotic stuff. He seems to think that doing this deep interpersonal work will help me sort out my intimacy issues. I hope he's right but who knows?? I do have a screwy health insurance situation (good memory), but I did once manage to locate someone who will take my cruddy insurance. I could call her up again, I suppose. I just don't know. I don't want to start all over again with someone new. And I'm so damn attached to my current T (even though I hate his guts right at this second). Hah, I like your sadistic streak! I'm not sure if my T is a cold fish exactly (he can get very giggly sometimes, and has a bit of an eager-puppy aspect to him... and there have been one or two times when he has been explicitly reassuring... once I called him in distress, feeling like I couldn't go to work, and he said that I ought to let my sick self in to my work self, that he'd be happy to have me as his doctor, which I thought was sweet. And he can get rather protective of me, especially regarding the guys I date). He doesn't see himself as cautious but I wonder sometimes... |
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Jersey 4, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 2,360
7 4,865 hugs
given |
#812
A related question: does wanting warm/gooey/attachmenty stuff from your therapist indicate that your friendships/relationships are insufficient? Like, would a person with perfect friends/SO/family want anything of that sort from their T?
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WarmFuzzySocks
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Magnate
Member Since May 2017
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,515
6 4,704 hugs
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#814
Do you have that empty, gnawing, endless-pit-of-need feeling? Because I can completely relate to that, and it sucks. But it also seems like you are setting up a false dichotomy. Yes, there are always going to be limits with a therapist (or anybody else really -- sometimes I don't want my wife to go to work so we can hang out, but she still usually says no), and yes there are certain things you will never, ever get (particularly if getting them requires a time machine), but that doesn't mean you can't get some needs met, meet some needs yourself, and grieve whatever is leftover. I don't think the "just give up and grieve it and move on" thing is a thing because people will always have needs (and wants and regrets and longings, etc).
For what it's worth, I don't think you really start over with a new T because you take your progress with you. My EMDR T (who I started seeing this summer) sometimes tries to get all Therapy 101 on me, and I politely finish her lesson for her and scoot us forward to where I need to be. But if you have the sense that there is more you can get from your therapist, then I can see why you would want to stay with him. That deep interpersonal stuff has been the most transformative work for me, so hopefully the two of you can navigate it productively. |
SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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chihirochild, Jersey 4, LonesomeTonight
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Magnate
Member Since May 2017
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,515
6 4,704 hugs
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#816
Quote:
It's kind of like how you would have different expectations for your child than for your significant other. I can test my T and explore that or freak out at her because I feel insecure in ways that would be completely inappropriate in an adult relationship. Plus obviously the therapist is supposed to know enough about psychology and trauma to not re-enact the past and to help guide the client out of whatever they are struggling with. |
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chihirochild, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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chihirochild, Jersey 4, LonesomeTonight
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 2,360
7 4,865 hugs
given |
#817
Quote:
Thank you for pointing out the errors in my reductionist view. I think I just want a simple answer because I'm hurting and I want things to make sense. I'm not certain that there's more I can get from this T but he certainly thinks so... I'll throw some more time at it, see where that gets me. I just don't know what to do with the gaping maw in the meantime :/ |
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ElectricManatee, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
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#818
I Sh-ed again this weekend, and again this morning. Crap! Sigh. I have Pastor T tonight. I have to tell him. It went okay last week, but two weeks in a row of SH-ing. Ugh. I texted his wife this morning and told her I had SH-ed. I had texted her yesterday and told her I was struggling. I felt bad about telling her but I felt like I had to. I feel very tense and anxious inside. It's making me want to SH more. I'm trying to not freak out. It's hard. Hugs to anyone who wants one. Kit
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
chihirochild, ElectricManatee, Jersey 4, LonesomeTonight, SheHulk07
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,768
(SuperPoster!)
9 75k hugs
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#819
Quote:
I think it depends on where those warm/gooey desires comes from. For me, with ex-MC, it was mostly paternal feelings. I felt understood and accepted by him in a way that I never did (and still don't) by my parents. He once asked if I felt I have this void inside me that no one can fill, and that felt accurate. He said it was likely from childhood, that no one could fill it for me, that I had to do that for myself, but that he and others could help me do that. The thing with him was though, I don't think it was just childhood needs. He was giving me the validation and support that my H wasn't. I think that's what made some of the erotic/romantic transference come into play there to complicate everything. Where at times I wished he could have been my dad and other times my romantic partner. Of course...if my marriage had been going well, we wouldn't have been in marriage counseling in the first place, so... Then with current T, there's not so much paternal stuff there (though I think that came out a bit in the summer, when things got all messy between us). But he also gives me some things that H doesn't. I mean, partly validation and stuff like that. But also things like laughing at my jokes (which H doesn't really seem to do anymore), noticing if I have a new pair of shoes or new purse, stuff like that. Plus he's easy on the eyes So it can be confusing. Because, I mean, of course, I'm paying him. And he has some fairly strict boundaries in some areas (never any more touch than a handshake at the end of session, will say "I care about your well being" but not "I care about you"), but somewhat looser ones in others (always replying to my emails, self-disclosing a bit more lately). He's been reluctant to reassure me at times in the past, too. He's said that reassure might help in that moment but not in the long run. And he doesn't want me to be dependent on him (or on anyone) for reassurance and support, but to be able to find that within myself. But then other times he can be quite reassuring and validating. I think I had some sort of point here... |
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ElectricManatee, Jersey 4, SlumberKitty
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chihirochild, ElectricManatee, Jersey 4
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Magnate
Member Since May 2017
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,515
6 4,704 hugs
given |
#820
Quote:
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SlumberKitty
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chihirochild, SlumberKitty
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Closed Thread |
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