[coolibrarian]

I am going to talk to my T about this on Thursday, but, in the meantime I want to ask for support, enlightenment, etc., from you all.

How do you handle guilt when you know you are guilty of certain behavior (which I will not name here) in the past? I can't change the past. A secret was shared with me yesterday, and I want to grow from it, not shut down because of it. I don't want my own guilt (which stemmed from the content of the secret) to take me down to that very special place, The Pit (of depression). I want to take care of me, without feeling pity for myself or, worse yet, anger at myself, which could potentially lead to SH and more depression and more guilt.

I'm sorry I can't give more details. I told my wife about it, and will tell my T, but other than with them, I won't discuss it, unless the sharer of the secret needs to tell me more.

Thanks.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

I think that talking about the issue and accepting that this thing happened is a big part of it. We all have things in our past we are not proud of. We all make mistakes, it's part of being human. Guilt is a part of life, but it's what we do with it that counts. Regardless of what it is, big or small, I think it can be a learning tool. Having guilt doesn't have to mean you are a bad person or deserve to feel bad, it just means that you made a mistake. Be gentle with yourself and realize that you are human and you are doing the best that you can.

I am not sure if any of this helps, but I certainly hope that you are able to stay out of that depressed and dark place.

[Out There]

Sometimes we feel guilty when we don't always need to , have you thought of it in this way ? If we set ourselves to high standards then fail just a little we can beat ourselves up about it , or feel that we've let ourselves or someone else down. If this has affected someone , are they bothered about it or would they say it's no big deal , there's no intent there. We do all make mistakes , if it was something that you didn't repeat , then try to forgive yourself. Often it's toxic shame that's being carried over something very minor or being blamed for things that aren't actually our fault.

[here today]

For me, guilt often leads automatically to shame. I'm somewhat better about this than I have been in the past, it is somewhat less automatic, but still happens a lot.

If it's been too long ago in the past for you to do anything about now, and/or if you can't for other reasons, then. . .then maybe, at least, the pain you are feeling now can/will help to prevent a similar action in the future, should such thing even be a possibility. For things in my long distant past, my impulse system and/or personality has changed and I know that I am unlikely to respond in a similar way if a were in a similar situation today.

Rather than possibly motivating change of some sort, shame for me just shuts things (me) down. That was useful, too, back when we were 2-year-olds and couldn't discriminate guilt yet. But somehow, for me, they seem to have just glommed together and I had the bear of a time separating them. Still don't so well. Maybe that's similar to what you called "The Pit"?

It's very sad to me that I have hurt people. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this now -- but dealing with it may be the best of the available options, given that it is what it is? Including "this too shall pass" but not soon enough.

Nevertheless, maybe talking with your T can help you get a fuller view of "it is what it is" in a fuller perspective. I hope so, anyway.

[SlumberKitty]

Hi Cool. I let myself "apologize" to myself for what I have done, and then I "forgive" myself for what I have done. It doesn't always work, sometimes I still end up in that pit of depression, but a lot of times it does. HUGS Kit