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Member
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: PA
Posts: 33
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#1
Hi everyone, I'm new to posting. I really need someone's help. Without going into details, I have a feeling my therapist of 8 years is going to end things when we meet next week. I sent her a very long email on Friday divulging a lot of things - including my obsession with finding out everything I possibly can about her and her family and friends over the past 8 years (I've done some serious digging and crossed many boundaries). I have a sick obsession and I can't quit. I've hinted at this before with her, and she said we would work through it together - and I kept telling her I never wanted to talk about it. She has been the best therapist ever - extending herself in ways that I am eternally grateful for. She is perfect. Anyways, she sent me a text that leads me to believe she is too angry to continue with me. I know her so well at this point, I can read her very well. I even mentioned in my email that maybe I need to cut ties completely with her because it's too painful to know about her real life (because I want to be with her at all times). Again, I think "the talk" is happening next week and I'm beside myself. I don't want to lose her. She won't even talk to me on the phone because "this needs to be discussed in person"
If anyone has been "fired" by a long-time therapist that you were really attached to, can you please let me know how you handled it? What you did to stay strong? I feel like I want to die. |
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arielawhile, ElectricManatee, InnerPeace111, LonesomeTonight, Out There, SlumberKitty, stahrgeyzer, Taylor27, TeaVicar?
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2008
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#2
Can you say what her text was? Maybe that will help with context?
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LonesomeTonight, precaryous, SummerTime12, Whalen84
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Member
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: PA
Posts: 33
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#3
Quote:
Me: "Just a reminder I won't be coming in this week. I'll keep you posted about next week" Her: "Ok - thanks for telling me." Me: "Did you read my email?" Her: "Yes" Me: "Are you angry with me?" Her: "I am not going to discuss this over text. We'll have to talk about it." Me: (after a whole day goes by and I feel like I need to see her because she sounds so angry): "Is my session this week still open?" Her: "No. Sorry." Me: "Do you have any other sessions open?" Her: "I will see you next week." Me: "Can we do a session on the phone?" (for the record, I have never asked for this before - I hate the phone - but I was feeling desperate) Her: "No. We need to talk in person." And that was it. I want to cry. |
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LonesomeTonight, SalingerEsme, stahrgeyzer
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,738
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#4
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Anonymous45127, justagirl2019, SalingerEsme
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
Member Since Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
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#5
Sounds like you need to mourn whatever happened to you in the first place, so you can stop repeating the pattern.
I know - that and five bucks will get you pumpkin spice vente latte. |
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SalingerEsme
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*Beth*, justagirl2019, precaryous, SalingerEsme
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2012
Location: USA
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#6
Maybe you can still work things out. The obsession is YOUR problem and I would hope that she can find away to help you with it. It sounds like you have suggested cutting ties as a way to help yourself with the pain? Maybe she can help you find another way? Or maybe she will agree with you that is the best thing to do. You can't know for sure until the session.
Congrats to you for bringing the issue to a head as it sounds like it is pretty difficult for you right now. |
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*Beth*, justagirl2019
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New Member
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1
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#7
I’m so inspired by your honesty and strength, even during this uncertain time.
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justagirl2019
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*Beth*, InnerPeace111, Whalen84
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Member
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: in the parlour.
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#8
The text would help to give context because maybe she's simply saying that you need to discuss this with her in person.
It's super brave to tell her about it, it's also super normal to become obsessive and to google etc, I'm sure many of us have been or are in a similar situation. You just want to know more about her and I can certainly relate to the obsessive nature of trying to find out more and more information about a therapist. Also, anything that's openly available on the internet is fair game IMO. __________________ "It is a joy to be hidden but a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott |
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justagirl2019
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Jul 2017
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#9
I really think you should find a second T , with a relational background, to help you orto act as a consultant. You are going to need support if she terminates with you. What made you decide to share this with her now? I hope she sticks it out with you, if that is what you want. Obsession ( called limerence sometimes) functions as a way to keep the mind off other painful internal things, and takes away a lot of energy forgiving and for self exploration. i really feel for how much this must hurt, and I hope she stays and supports you.
__________________ Living things don’t all require/ light in the same degree. Louise Gluck |
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here today, justagirl2019, Out There
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Member
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: PA
Posts: 33
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#10
Quote:
Anyways, fast forward to now. I've been stalking her and her then girlfriend ever since. Both have private facebook pages, but of course I can see photos they are tagged in, and posts they are tagged in, when the person doing the tagging is public. Sneaky, right? Well, they are married now (they got married about 3 years ago). That in itself messed with me really bad, but what brought this all to a head now is... Her wife is pregnant. I saw her tagged in a photo from the baby shower. I didn't know she was even pregnant. I cried and cried and cried. I can't explain the weird pain I felt. So that's what sparked all of this, and it was a big part of what I talked about in my email. |
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LonesomeTonight
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Member
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: PA
Posts: 33
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#11
Quote:
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Threadtastic Postaholic
Member Since Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
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#12
No offense but I can see why she would be concerned although I am not sure termination is the right answer either.
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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justagirl2019
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2010
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#13
I had a long time T terminate me very unexpectedly. It was scary for me when I was in her office because I had no clue she was upset until I got there. My current T is mortified at how she handled the situation (which was different from yours).
On the other end of things I 1. Tend to know a lot about my therapists as I put together small details and I don’t forget much and 2. Am not above a good google search. One did become concerned I was stalking her. She was however very against me terminating with her. We talked about her concerns and if I had any kinds of plans for using all that I knew which I did not. She did say that if she found me using any of the information I had acquired (like going to her house or contacting friends/family) that it would be a severe breach of trust and we would have to discuss the ramifications. Current T I know a TON about. Some he has disclosed but a lot was found with some very lucrative google searches. If I were to “come clean” and tell him everything I know... 1. He would understand my wanting to know BUT he would be concerned about how I decided to get the information. He would have preferred I ask him as he has always been very open and honest with me. 2. He would be shocked at how much I was able to put together which may rightfully cause some fear/concern... So... I can see him taking in that concern and changing the accessibility to some of that information overall... NOT as punishment to me just because I raised his awareness and others might not just be curious. 3. T and I... I don’t think it would be grounds for termination with him. I can see him insisting on talking about it in person. No matter how much it may (or may not) have angered or upset him he would not want me to feel ashamed about it (not proud of it either). I know we would talk about where the need to know so much about him came from and why I didn’t feel I could come to him with that need. I am sure there would be some stern moments but I think we would be OK in the end. __________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
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justagirl2019
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
Posts: 2,023
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#14
Yes, it is possible she may let you go.
However, you can still hold yourself accountable (of all these transgression of boundaries) and tell her that you would like to continue to work with her and learn how to stop and relate in a 'healthy' way from now on. Then, not knowing what precisely happened between the two of you, the ball would be in her court. You can ask for referrals too, if need be. |
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justagirl2019
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2018
Location: Somewhere
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#15
If she just said you need to talk about this in person, I agree with her - but I empathize if you're feeling frustrated or anxious about that response.
It is certainly possible that she will terminate. I'm sorry you are in so much distress. You say you have a sick obsession and you can't quit - does that mean you do want to be freed somehow from this relationship? __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold |
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justagirl2019
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Member
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: PA
Posts: 33
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#16
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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Anonymous45127, here today, SalingerEsme
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2012
Location: USA
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#17
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Anonymous45127, justagirl2019, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty
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Member
Member Since Nov 2019
Location: PA
Posts: 33
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#18
I just texted her. I'll let you guys know how she responds. Thanks for sticking by my side through this.
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chihirochild, HowDoYouFeelMeow?, LonesomeTonight, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty
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*Beth*, Anonymous45127, SalingerEsme, Whalen84
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catches the flowers
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#19
The overwhelming feelings you have about your T are very common...believe me, you are far from the only client to dig into a therapist's personal life!
The transference you have with her is extremely strong; a talented therapist will use the transference to work through your challenges, issues, obstacles. I really admire you for being upfront and straight about your behavior and your concerns. If she's a wise T she will help you through this, not terminate you. __________________ |
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justagirl2019, precaryous, SalingerEsme
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Always in This Twilight
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#20
Quote:
And I often had similar feelings regarding ex-MC. Where everytime I thought about leaving him, I'd start to cry. So I felt stuck in a way. Which is part of why I started seeing current T. Ultimately had rupture with ex-MC that led to us terminating. It was really painful and took lots of time to get over, but I think I'm on the other side now (though he did appear in my dream last night, so...) |
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here today, justagirl2019, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty
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Anonymous45127, justagirl2019, SalingerEsme
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