[LonesomeTonight]

No time to post at the moment, but will reply to some of the stuff in In Session Today here later. Just trying to draw people to post here instead of taking over IST, as I don't want other people to feel uncomfortable posting there.

Sorry LT, I guess I re-started that today with my first post

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Sorry LT, I guess I re-started that today with my first post

It's OK! Just trying to draw people away from IST.

[LonesomeTonight]

Never mind, I'm just going to take a step back. Nothing against anyone, I just need to take a step back.

Hey LT, I like your posts though I only visit here these days. I do make it a point to read your IST posts though I don't comment.

[Thalassophile]

I like your posts too LT. FInd them really interesting to read and offers me another clients perspective. I also like reading how your T is in session I find it helps somehow.

[goatee]

I love your IST posts too. I find it really interesting to see how your therapist responds and what approaches he uses. I also admire how open and honest you are with him. Really don’t understand why there is so much drama around your posts. They seem like something that contribute and add plenty of value to the forum. Anyway, I’m sorry if this has all been upsetting, and happy birthday tomorrow.

[Siennasays]

Happy Birthday, LT!

[unaluna]

[LonesomeTonight]

Thanks for the birthday wishes! I may post my most recent two sessions in here, just debating...as I know a main element of what we discussed will likely draw strong responses.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by goatee

I love your IST posts too. I find it really interesting to see how your therapist responds and what approaches he uses. I also admire how open and honest you are with him. Really don’t understand why there is so much drama around your posts. They seem like something that contribute and add plenty of value to the forum. Anyway, I’m sorry if this has all been upsetting, and happy birthday tomorrow.

Thanks. And I'm glad they have value to you and others. I also don't fully understand why they bring out so many comments and why my T seems to be more polarizing than most anyone else's T on here.

[DP_2017]

Post what you want. Take the comments with a grain of salt. It is your life. Your therapy. Your decisions. Not any of ours

[velcro003]

you can always say you don’t want comments on X.

[DP_2017]

Or just not share the stuff you don't want comments on. much easier.

[DP_2017]

but seriously we are just internet strangers, dont let our comments/views decide how you do things with your T. i hope you are able to achieve your goal for the week he is gone though, that would be wonderful and i know you would feel so proud of yourself.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by velcro003

you can always say you don’t want comments on X.

Yeah, that didn't seem to work on the last IST...(Just a particular comment on a particular topic, not all the comments.) But I'll give it a shot!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Or just not share the stuff you don't want comments on. much easier.

Well, then I pretty much couldn't write up Thursday's session...

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I only post the sessions I‘m comfortable sharing. Sometimes I feel it‘s too personal, I don‘t want it discussed or I‘m too exhausted from therapy. Then I just won‘t post. Nobody‘s going to mind something like that. The most important thing is you profiting from your sessions, you can decide whether you want to share them with others.

[Elio]

hugs, it's tough putting yourself out there. Remember you are not obligated nor owe anyone here any of it. Make sure you are still getting what you need from it - whatever that need is.

[SalingerEsme]

I look forward to your write ups, LT. They are one of my favorite parts of the forum.

[LonesomeTonight]

OK, posting this. I respectfully ask that no one say that I should just stop emailing my T. And that no one say he's an awful T and I should leave him because of some aspects of his email policy. Which he clarified more in yesterday's session (I'll post that in a bit) and isn't as bad as it will seem here. Other comments fine.

T Wednesday (a day early because of my birthday Thursday, which...well...). Went back and sat down. I said I felt bad about emailing him Monday, that I did appreciate his responses. But I knew I should have just sat with it. But with Tuesday being an anniversary that I was struggling with, decided to go ahead and email. He said it was fine. I started crying and said I knew I'd been contacting him more lately (like once a week the past 3-4 weeks), and I felt bad about that. How I wanted him to know I really was trying, that I was generally trying other coping mechanisms first. T said he knew that and appreciated it.

I said I just worried I was contacting him too much, and that I was trying to work on it, how it's just a rough month for me. T said he thinks of emails as part of his job. And as he said, he'd let me know if it became an issue for him. Me: "So it's not too much right now then?" T thought for a second. T: "I'd say you're about at a yellow right now." I started crying. T: "That's not bad, it just means you're not at green." Me: "But I want to be at green..." T: "But you'd still have orange and red to go before I'd charge you." Me: "There's an orange, too? Oh good."

Note that he'd said before that if I got to a certain level, he'd charge for short ones, which he doesn't currently charge for. Me: "So, once I hit the red level, is there a way to get out of it? Or would you just charge me for all emails for the rest of the time I'm seeing you?" T: "Yes, just take a break from sending emails for a while." Me: "OK." T: "And I want to clarify, the yellow just refers to whether you'd be charged for the emails. It's not about frustration or annoyance, because I'm not frustrated or annoyed by them." Me: "OK, thanks."

I said it wasn't just about the emails, that it was how I wanted to be "green" with him and with everyone in my life at all times. Like the perfectionist part of me, the part that wants/needs everyone to like me. And I said I knew that wasn't realistic. T agreed. T: "I'm sure I've been orange or even red with you before." Me: "Yeah, there have definitely been a few red times..."

T was saying if I'm just trying to be what people want from me, that I'm not really being me. How it's like I'm trying to be all these different people. And how some people say that's like being a chameleon, changing who you are. But it's not a good analogy, because a chameleon remains a lizard, just changes a bit to match its surroundings. It doesn't turn into an opossum. How he feels he's like that, he might shift how he interacts from client to client, might interact differently with a colleague or friend, but he's still being himself in all of those cases. Like not pretending to be someone else. That he hopes I could become more like that as well. I said I did, too.

We talked some about how I'd handled the anniversary (of being unfaithful to H), and I said I'd drank maybe a bit more than I should have, but didn't go too overboard and I didn't do anything else destructive. And I talked to a friend online a bit. He said it sounds like I did really well. And how he wondered if that would have made me want to contact ex-MC. I didn't say this at the time, but I realized later how that hadn't even occurred to me, to contact him. Is it possible I've finally moved on? At least from viewing him as a support person? I said (in session) that I think it also helped knowing I'd see T the next day, that I could get my thoughts out then. T said that's something to think about for future stressful events.

I forget what we talked about next. But with maybe 5 minutes left, T said, "Can I ask you something?" Me: "Uh, OK." T: "Do you feel that you put more weight on things I tell you, opinions I have, as compared with other people in your life? Because I get that sense sometimes. Not just me, but therapists in general." Me: "I need to think about that for a minute." I thought. Me: "It isn't just you or other therapists. I know you don't like being thought of in this way, but it's that you're an authority figure to me. I'm that way with you, other therapists, bosses, teachers, advisors, well, my parents." T: "Hm, OK." Me: "Like I'd react more strongly to something that an authority figure would tell me or an opinion they had as compared to, say, a friend, because I think of a friend as more of an equal." T: "I see." Me: "I need to think about it more. I mean, not right now, because I know we have to stop. But before next session." T: "OK."

Confirmed Monday and Thursday. Went over to pay. T: "Are you feeling better now?" I thought me meant about session, but he meant did I still think I was sick, like Monday. I said I thought I was OK. He held out his hand and we shook hands, as he said, I think "Enjoy" (I never really understand that one...enjoy what?) and "Good luck out there." Me: "Thanks, you too."

I went someplace to do some work (school was closed) and managed to sort of push away my feelings for a bit. But I just kept thinking about the "yellow" thing. Later that evening, I kept starting to type an email to T to clarify something with it, then worried it would put me into orange, so I texted him and just asked if he had any openings Thursday or Friday (he uses text for scheduling, but just wants clients to keep it very straightforward, like not explaining why I want a session, so all I said was literally "Do you have any openings tomorrow or Friday?"). He offered me two options, I took one, he wrote back to say "OK I have you on my schedule. Hope you have a peaceful evening." Which felt nice.

[Anne2.0]

To be honest about it, I had a hard time tracking the last round of responses to your posts and what was "wrong" about them. I have read your writeups eagerly and with interest but have stopped responding because I didn't feel my comments were helpful to you, or necessarily welcomed. This is my issue to deal with, not yours.

I do think that being able to accept what others offer you, even if it isn't delivered via the precise script that you want, is a skill that can be valuable in developing deeper social connections. Whether it is a useful skill to you, I don't know. I think in general most of us could make a greater effort to appreciate feedback and be less defensive about it, myself included.

[Elio]

awww, that sounds like a great exchange LT. At first I wanted to tease about how awful this or that or whatever, hoping you'd catch I was teasing ... coming from me. Then I read the post. I thought this exchange was really good. I like your T's take on emails. I haven't read all your IST posts so I don't know the whole story. I think he's been clear/consistent on the boundary and I think that is more important than what they are. I get the huge desire to be green. Good job opening yourself up to the feedback from him. It can be hard to get that reality check when we fear the answer is the negative thing we perceive it to be.

Take care.

[DP_2017]

As for the emails, the color thing is super confusing. I'd even be like what?!! You know your limits and what you gotta do to stay yellow, so that's all on you on how much you do.

The other thing I did wanna say about is...and remember this isn't a judgement, it's an observation.... but I don't know your whole EXMC thing but I think you said you loved him and he was uncomfortable and you kinda had a big thing and it ended? I'm thinking the reason you see him and this T and any T as a authority figure (which they really aren't... you are much more equal than you realize) is because I think, even with ex MC you probably think of him in a sense as a parent.... rather than a T. So when he got upset or rejected the ILY, you felt that he was rejecting (omg my computer kept typing erecting, I'm laughing) you as a person and your love... it felt like your parents rejecting you and your love. I'm not sure how you can move past the authority figure idea with Therapy, but I would maybe ask T to help you with that, I would imagine you would feel so differently without that mindset.

I also think its interesting he asked you that because it does seem that his opinion matters most. Not that it's good or bad etc.... I mean, we all value our T's options (well most of them) but I feel like there are other people like your H who's options should matter more than T's...I know it's different but again, if you can find the freedom to see him as not an authority figure... you will feel so much relief.

I am not judging and I know I'm terrible at wording but I feel like the perfectionist is because you want so badly to please your parents and you assume all these certain people, aside from friends, are like your parents. It's much better to just be you. If they can't accept the flaws you have, hell with them. I feel sad for you when I read stuff like this because I can't imagine how hard it must be to live constantly trying to please everyone and never really giving yourself a break. Just being ok with being you. I think that's what your T is trying to help you with. Hopefully he can. I really want to see you happy.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

To be honest about it, I had a hard time tracking the last round of responses to your posts and what was "wrong" about them. I have read your writeups eagerly and with interest but have stopped responding because I didn't feel my comments were helpful to you, or necessarily welcomed. This is my issue to deal with, not yours.

I do think that being able to accept what others offer you, even if it isn't delivered via the precise script that you want, is a skill that can be valuable in developing deeper social connections. Whether it is a useful skill to you, I don't know. I think in general most of us could make a greater effort to appreciate feedback and be less defensive about it, myself included.

Thanks, Anne--I think it was partly that people started kind of debating with each other about my post and that became a lot to deal with. Or someone was saying I just shouldn't email. Which is why I was afraid to post about this session, because I didn't want a bunch of people being like "I told you so!" about the emails. Because the thing is, it is something he allows (even if it hit the point he'd charge me for them, it's still allowed), it's something I tend to find helpful. So for multiple people to post "don't email him," that's not something I find helpful. Or if someone says "You should find a different T." Because I get a lot out of working with him.

To clarify, I'm not referring to your posts, Anne. You've made a few posts that have really made me think. And others have done so as well. It's just that I don't like if someone is saying the way I handle the therapeutic relationship is wrong or I'm too needy or my T is a jerk or something. That's the stuff I don't find to be helpful. If it's like "Hm, how does this connect to other people in your life," for example, like am I reenacting something? Stuff like that can really help.