[OnlyOnePerson]

So what I've found so far is:

(1) While peer/community support is nice, it ultimately isn't enough. Just talking things over with people at this point doesn't make any further improvement in my life. It may solidify that it happened and that it was bad, but it doesn't really make any difference in moving past it.

(2) Therapists just don't want to work with therapy survivors, unless there's some sort of clear and obvious malpractice. While many will say they will, therapy very quickly tends to turn to blame and repetition of harmful practices. There's always too strong a sense that professionals don't want to believe someone could be significantly traumatized by standard practices.

(3) I can't forget it or let it go. I wake up, routinely, with nightmares about how horrible therapy was. I have to stay home and stay off social media any time there's any mental health awareness thing going on. Honestly at this point, simply living in a society where mental health treatment as it is now is accepted and pushed as the normal treatment is living in a traumatic situation for me. The only way to avoid constant retraumatization would be to lock myself away from society.

(4) Medications don't help. Or rather, medications give me the alternative of being so sedated I don't care about anything. Nothing actually really helps things feel better.

(5) Distractions and such help some while I'm distracted, but the minute I'm not fully occupied everything comes back full force. This applies to pretty much everything on the "coping skills" list - it might get me through the day but it's not enough to really make things go past just surviving.

I don't know where to turn anymore. It seems that there's no refuge or hope for those traumatized by our mental health system.

[Out There]

I hear you. I know how difficult this is , and it's happened to many of us here. I worked a lot on looking at it like it's their ego , or not doing enough of their own work. It's not your fault. Do you feel possibly at the root there's something wrong with you , or do you see it as something wrong with them ?

[OnlyOnePerson]

Originally Posted by Out There

I hear you. I know how difficult this is , and it's happened to many of us here. I worked a lot on looking at it like it's their ego , or not doing enough of their own work. It's not your fault. Do you feel possibly at the root there's something wrong with you , or do you see it as something wrong with them ?

I see it as something wrong with them, but also something wrong with society. And I'm terrified by living in a society where people are so willing to support that sort of harm just because it's billed as mental health treatment. A lot of my experiences were also in situations where I didn't really have other options.

That's what I can't get past. Not any feelings of guilt or shame. But the sheer terror of having to live with not just what happened, but the possibility that it could happen again. Knowing that I would have no protection or defense and everything I love and care about could be stripped away from me in the name of mental health care. Just because some professional decided it was what I needed.

[here today]

I’ve thought a lot about similar things for 4 years, since the last therapist terminated me.

Looking around at what seem to me to be somewhat similar situations in society in the past, it seems that when the system fails people, it’s taken the people organizing from the grass roots to effect any change – and even then, it may take a (long) while.

But as I said on another thread, I also think that’s doubly difficult in the case of therapy survivors, (1) because issues we had that led us in to therapy are also related to us maybe not being the best at grassroots organizing, and (2) because the trauma of the therapy failure and/or the way that it failed tends to make and keep us upset and therefore not in the best shape for grassroots organizing.

So, it also seemed that the only way I could try to help the situation was to “get well” -- on my own, because the system wasn’t going to help and in fact additional therapy might well make things, and me, worse.

That was a horrible and horrifying dilemma, because I had absolutely no confidence that I could “get well” on my own, and it seemed certain that I could not do it entirely on my own and by myself. Nevertheless. . .

4 years down the road, the peer support I have gotten has at least allowed me a little bit of “healing”, maybe, (though I still don’t know exactly what that means) and maybe some healthy growth to occur. Who knows. I don’t feel so constantly upset and I’m able to do the “one minute at a time” thing when I do for the most part.

I don’t feel in danger of what happened to me happening again. I feel pretty stable enough now that doesn't seem likely. * Happening to others – that’s another story.

But -- the outrage at what I went through and what happened to me remains. I don’t see that going away for the rest of my life.

Is there anything that peer relationships can do beyond support? Maybe depends on what a person wants and needs and what works for me wouldn’t necessarily work for you and vice versa? We could maybe talk/write about that here or in a social group on PsychCentral. Or maybe group chat via Google Hangouts, Skype, or something similar -- but that would mean revealing our real identity at least to other members of the group.

Does any of what I’ve written spark any ideas, including disagreements, from you?

*ETA: Also, I've lost just about everything and don't think I have much time left to build anything else back. But, starting from 0 -- accepting that, I'll see what I can do and take what I can get. Quite a few things right now are not quite 0 and I think realistically they are fairly stable, too, but I take nothing for granted.

[OnlyOnePerson]

I've been at this for a decade. now. I've seen some small bits of change in that time. The idea isn't quite as ridiculous to people now as it was when I started. But it's still bad.

The fundamental problem for me is that peer support doesn't touch the fear. And it's the fear I don't know how to live with. I do feel in danger of it happening again. Some of the times I had happen were even when I was doing better. There was one time in particular where what I went through was so very clearly punitive, a way to try to rein me in from speaking out, that no level of stability could give me the confidence that it couldn't happen again. Part of the initial trigger was that I leveled "crazy" abuse accusations against a parent - accusations that were entirely true. So in my experience, you don't have to be unstable for it to happen, you just have to make the wrong people upset. There were a lot of different events where things that I wouldn't characterize as instability or even particularly related to mental health issues were used against me, so I don't trust that simply being stable enough is a defense. Rather, once I was in, it seemed that simply disagreeing with the professional was enough to prove I wasn't stable.

[here today]

What is your involvement with mental health "professionals" currently?

If you're not currently involved then it seems, for the moment at least, you're not in any immediate danger?

But, yeah, the fear. . . I do think some of the information about the body, and mind's, responses that has come out in the last 10 or 20 years or so is pretty good. From that standpoint do you think some of what you are describing is PTSD type fear? Sounds like what you went through was pretty traumatic. Have you looked into anything you can do yourself for that? Also, maybe check out the PTSD forum here on PC?

Please forgive me if those suggestions seem out of whack and off target. I was more angry than scared of therapists. Scared of life, and myself, maybe but mostly angry with therapists. So venting about my anger here on PC was helpful. Maybe venting about the fear would help some, too?

[OnlyOnePerson]

I'm not currently involved, but even living in a society where it's possible for someone to call in a welfare check is too much for me.

I've seen suggestions for PTSD, but every single one says the first thing you have to do is get away from the source of the trauma. Which is impossible when society around you is the source. Venting for me just increases the fear, unless I find a solution from it.

[here today]

Yes, I understand about the society being the source.

I'm not particularly religious, and my background is Protestant not Catholic, but I've been drawn in the last several years to investigating monastic life. Not that I could do that but I've still been drawn into looking into how some off those people live and how it has led some into a deep calm, seemingly.

If we can't really isolate ourselves from society -- and I can't -- maybe there's still a way to put some distance there?

[Omers]

I had several bad therapy experiences, and a couple that were clearly unethical/reportable. I took a two year break and wrote about all the really, truly healing people in my life. I then looked through the writings for patterns... what they said, what they did, even physical attributes like eye color. TBH before I did that I was really off base in what I thought I needed. Then I started looking for people with similar attributes... clergy, customers at the store I worked at, anyone I came into regular contact with. We can find healing anywhere, therapists don’t have the corner on that market. The person I happened to find IS a therapist and he is so totally different than any of the others. A few sessions ago I wanted him to really see how different he was for me so I did a craft project representing the impact of the other therapists and beside them a representation of his impact. It was a really beneficial session. Current T actually got tears in his eyes as he told me “I never knew there were so many bad therapists out there”. Now with a better understanding of my childhood trauma, my long time fear of men, and my traumatic therapy experiences T has a great appreciation for the courage it took to contact him and show up. But again, it didn’t have to be a therapist once I looked at the common traits of people that had helped me heal. There was a pastor that, I believe, could have been just as healing for me but they retired before I was ready to try again.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hi only one person,


As others have already said, you are not alone.


As it turns out, your trauma and what you went through is a steadily increasing problem as a result of a healthcare system that would rather cover-up their mistakes, abuses and issues, rather than acknowledge them and take accountability so as to rule out cultural and systemic abuse.


I want you to know that we have a good community here at Psych Central, even for survivors of abuse in therapy.


I hope you have a wonderful day!



Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[toomanycats]

On the super off chance you're in northern Virginia (west-ish) or in West Virginia, my therapist is excellent at working with survivors of "failed therapy." I can 100% assure you he totally believes even standard practices can cause harm - it's something we talked about at the beginning of our therapy. If you're randomly in this area, you can PM me & I'll share his name.

I'm a survivor of pretty blatantly unethical therapy, and this therapist has been super helpful for me with moving on. I am now preparing to file a complaint against my former therapist. It's daunting. (Filing a complaint not required; this is my choice.)

[here today]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

On the super off chance you're in northern Virginia (west-ish) or in West Virginia, my therapist is excellent at working with survivors of "failed therapy." I can 100% assure you he totally believes even standard practices can cause harm - it's something we talked about at the beginning of our therapy. If you're randomly in this area, you can PM me & I'll share his name.

I'm a survivor of pretty blatantly unethical therapy, and this therapist has been super helpful for me with moving on. I am now preparing to file a complaint against my former therapist. It's daunting. (Filing a complaint not required; this is my choice.)

Unfortunately I'm not anywhere near northern Virginia -- but I'm intrigued that he believes even standard practices can cause harm. I do, too. I believe it's because of issues I went into therapy with, but still. . .apparently the issues aren't (or weren't) that well known and/or what to do about them isn't at all clear in most people's training.

Do you feel comfortable, do you feel it would be ethical for you, and would you be willing to share some of his views?

I'm also going to PM you for the name. Perhaps he'll do something by Skype?