Why am I feeling this way?

I think talking to your T about you reading the forum is a good idea, Hope. Hang in there, and keep posting if it helps.

It is helping me to post. Thanks for listening.

I feel like a lot of people on here don’t like me. I had a lot of support when I was new but after all of my struggles, I lost a lot of support on here. I know it’s my fault though so I take responsibility for that.

I’m thinking about registering on the suicide forum that I found.

you say these same things every couple of months.your posts could be copies of each other, they seem to keep saying the same things. it seems to be a cycle. maybe if you can figure out how this cycle works for you, and you can remember that soon things will cycle around for you again to positive things, it will help you cope with the lows.

I am crushed under the weight of the problems that are upcoming in January. I truly want to quit. If I am able to see my T this week, I’m going to tell him that I am tired of being alive. I guess the depression is winning this time.

Hi Hope. These feelings won't always be here. It seems like things feel really overwhelming right now, with lots going on. I know for me one of my first go-to's when things are really overwhelming me is thoughts about sui. For me it's almost like a comfort …. kind of like, I can't cope with life but it doesn't matter because I don't have to live anymore. The funny thing is... for me, that cycle of suicidal thinking is almost a way for me to self-soothe, and get to the other side of things. Although of course, when I am in the middle of it I don't believe that... I just feel like this is the last time, I really can't cope with it anymore, it is never going to get better and *this time* I really am going to ----. And of course, it isn't really a helpful way for me to self-soothe.
Anyway, so here you are in this spot (hello to you, Hope, in that dark and scary place). I see you and I'm sorry everything is still so hard and overwhelming. It really won't be this way forever. Is it possible to take some time out from thinking about all the problems and do something that is really comforting to you? For me that can sometimes be something like curling up in bed with a soft blanket and soft toy, or making myself some really comforting food, or hanging out on the couch watching movies, or just lying in the dark on my own an giving myself permission to just feel like crap. One thing I do know is that being kind to myself always helps me, at least a little bit
Is there one thing you can do that is kind to you?

Hi Hope, I don't visit PC much now but when I drop by, I do like to "thanks" (can't hug on the Tapatalk app) on your threads. This is the only forum I'm still visiting because I still have people I care about, like you. I'd not come back otherwise.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time and that your depressions are very cyclical. It's easy to forget times have been better and that you're cared about. I know there's a lot on your plate, and I don't know what to say. Other people seem to know what to say. So I just hug.

Support comes and goes. Sometimes people feel helpless to help, and frustrated because they DO care. I never posted many threads but a lot of my problems are chronic, as shown in my posts.

People care about you. People do take the time and effort to comment with advice and encouragement. I'm sorry you feel unsupported, what kind of comments would feel supportive?

Hugs Hope, so sorry you are struggling.

You are genuinely the only person on here that I really follow. You are a large reason that I come back.

I feel like you have come a good ways since I started coming here and thats impressive to me. Everyone has their own fight to battle and seeing you deal with yours is kind of inspiring.

Dont sell yourself short. Continue working hard in therapy and I see great things out there for you.

And while I cant speak for everyone, I dont think its that people dont like you. I think its that people care about you and when you care about someone you want help them and you want the best for them. But helping someone on the internet can be tough because sometimes situations call for more than you can give online. It makes people feel a bit helpless and so they get frustrated. But really, its probably because they care enough to care about you in the first place.

You always get lots of responses to your threads and I think that shows that people like you and care about you. If no one ever responded then I might be saying different. But from an outsiders perspective I think you have a lot of friends here

Hope,
I think @Under*Over has it right.
I agree that alot of people here care about you and can get frustrated that it's hard to offer help that you actually find helpful. Not sure I'm saying this right. I hope so.

Not sure of your age but from your posts it sounds that you are young-ish and yet have big responsibilities for your siblings, one or two who have special needs?
That is such a huge deal.
Especially as you're struggling with your own health issues.

We have a special needs adult daughter who has a great group living situation but still requires massive amounts of our attention. And there are two of us supporting her. So I actually can appreciate the pressures you have with your family. They are so lucky to have you in their lives.

I know that it took us many years to research and fight for the community supports our daughter needs. Truly a full time job at times in addition to our real FT jobs.
I dont want to be intrusive really. But I wonder if there might be supports for your siblings that can help relieve some pressure from you.
Such assistance is usually state specific so hard for me to offer more specific info.

Please try to stick with your T.
It sounds as though he has been helpful. I know first hand how difficult therapy can be though everyones experience is so different.

Dont give up. You deserve happiness and peace in your life.