Jealous of T / T's family and / or lifestyle ???

I have spoken honestly to T about feeling angry and distrustful of her in the past so transference has come up but we haven't labelled it with that term. She always responds with a raised eyebrow and follows this up with further questions. I feel judged by her response so I can't imagine telling her about feeling jealous of how I imagine her life to be.

I have no idea how long she has been a therapist. I wasn't provided with this information at the start and my therapist seems to give off the impression that questions aren't welcome. She's the one that does the questioning and sets the boundaries on what information I am allowed to know about her and so far has given me absolutely nothing.

As I've talked through my feelings of jealousy a bit on here, I'm finding that these feelings have now been replaced with anger. I'm angry that I have been given this T who behaves like a robot with me, I imagine she sees herself as superior to me and looks down on me which makes me angry, and I'm angry that if I want therapy, I'm expected to open up to someone who makes me feel so uncomfortable.

I don't know where you're located, but you could see if she has a psychology today profile. Many therapists in the US do and it lists how long they have been practicing and where/when they graduated.

It's really good you're feeling angry. It's showing that you don't have to accept what you've been given or feel okay about it if it's not meeting your needs. A T is providing a service, whether you pay or not, and the emphasis should be on making you feel comfortable enough to trust the T. No T should be suggesting that they're doing you a favour by being there. I don't know if it's possible for you to have other options. If you are in the Uk, there are charities in many areas that offer low cost therapy. Plus many private ts will offer cheaper rates in some situations. I do hope there's a way forward. I do think bad therapy is worse than no therapy.

Thanks for your reply. I think you're right. The anger is telling me that something isn't right.

My T hasn't suggested that she is doing me a favour by being there but I find within the NHS, the attitude is that if you have mental health difficulties and you aren't happy with a service, it's a "symptom" of your mental illness and YOUR problem, and can't possibly be a problem with the service/therapist/psychiatrist/doctor etc. Therefore, I cannot and will not complain about the therapist and therapy I'm receiving. I have gone down that route before with another service and was told that there are many people waiting for treatment, I have been fortunate to get the help I'd been given so far etc.

Private therapy is too expensive for me, even on a reduced rate and I have had a poor experience with low cost therapy in the past and came to the conclusion that you only get what you pay for. None of the low cost Ts I saw in the past were skilled enough to deal with my issues. They either lacked the knowledge or experience. Current T is supposed to be but her attitude stinks.

I'm not discounting your experiences but I saw a T who was very recently qualified and still working with an agency to gain enough hours to be able to work privately. I didn't pay her anything due to the nature of the agency and what they offered people in my specific circumstances. She was an absolutely brilliant T in so many ways, she helped me so much. She was the first T who really seemed to see and understand me and focus on my positive attributes. She didn't really acknowledge transference which was a problem as some of the past stuff got left, but she really helped me reach a point where I could function in my life. Research consistently says that it's the relationship between t and client that's the most important factor in successful therapy, not the training they have. I understand though that in some cases you need certain expertise. I'm sorry you've seen some unhelpful Ts and I can see why you might feel hopeless about it all now. And I totally get the situation with the NHS. I actually meant your T might be indirectly suggesting she's doing you a favour because that's all the NHS can offer. Its very limited and tick-boxy. I wish it were different but I can't see things improving there.

Thanks for the suggestion but I'm not located in the US.

Thanks again for the reply. I am just mentally and emotionally exhausted from searching for new Ts, having assessments and waiting on waiting lists. The thought of having to go through it all again just makes me feel like curling up in a ball and hiding under my duvet. Overall, I've had more bad Ts than good ones during the years I've been in therapy. I'm starting to lose faith in therapy as a treatment for my difficulties.

I have heard that the relationship between the t and client is most important aspect of therapy but I don't feel that there is any connection between me and my t. She only does the bare minimum she has to to fulfill her role. Like I said before, she doesn't even say hi. This behaviour provokes anxiety, anger and frustration in me along with a sense of isolation. It is almost cruel, yet if I say anything I will no doubt be told that my feelings are a symptom of my condition.

I had no idea when I started this thread about feeling jealous of my T it would lead me to unpack so many feelings about what is wrong with my therapy. Just thinking of going to my session this week after having 2 weeks off for the Christmas break makes me feel physically sick. My anxiety is so high at the moment. I don't feel at risk but I'm struggling to know what to do to contain these feelings and bring myself back to some kind of balance. Right now I'm thinking f**k therapy, I'm better of without it.

I am struggling with the same thing right now. I have never had a therapist take a 2 week vacation until now.. So the last couple of weeks have been really difficult. I go through this to some degree after every vacation but this is harder. What I typically do is allow myself to he angry/ hurt When I get to the appointment if I stay angry so be it. I just go with the flow knowing eventually the connection will return. It is painful. Tomorrow is also my appointment as well so I will be thinking about you

Update:

I have spoken to my t about how uncomfortable I feel in session and she took it well. I haven't yet discussed my feelings of jealousy but by being able to be honest with her about how I'm finding therapy and her not reacting defensively, I feel we have made a breakthrough at last.

However, now that this has happened I'm finding myself testing t. I feel that maybe I'm trying to test how far I can push her to see whether she is trustworthy which is understandable. I also recognise that I might be doing this as a kind of defense to stop t getting closer and to distract from my vulnerability. Again, this is understandable. But then part of me feels that this testing of t is an attempt to make her question her ability and make her feel bad. I hate that I could be so nasty. Why would I want to do this? Has anyone else ever felt the same?

Power? Control?

Did you have people in your life who kept their control over you by being nasty? Sometimes we reenact what we are oddly comfortable with because of our history.

In my opinion testing the T for whatever reason is a completely normal thing to do and is also very common. People test for all the reasons you describe and more. Given how she has seemed in session with you, it's natural that you would want to be definite that she can handle you at your most vulnerable. It's a way of protecting yourself against harm. If that involves turning the tables onto the T and making her feel bad, that is preferable right now than opening up to her and then feeling unseen and unsupported. Just trust this is a natural part of the process. I hope your T continues to react well and becomes the support you need. It's so great you could be honest about how some of how you feel with her and I do hope she proves safe enough for you to open up more.

I do get the sense that control could be involved. It is a struggle with the power imbalance in the relationship and I don't like that as in my position as the client, I feel exposed and vulnerable.

My parents were and continue to be somewhat controlling and I always have to allow them to be because I want to avoid conflict.

Thanks. I do feel bad for (possibly) making her feel bad though. I recognize this is a pattern I have repeated with all my Ts but not one that occurs in my relationships in real life. This may be that I am talking to t about things which I wouldn't share with anyone else so I'm more defensive.

I really don't feel that you are being nasty. I think it is natural for you to have a need to test your therapist especially if your experiences haven't been good with her, and now she is being understanding when you spoke to her about how uncomfortable she made you feel. You are just trying to reassure yourself that she is safe. I am sure that she would understand that too. I believe that if I were in a similar situation, I would feel the need to test the therapist out. So, I think what you are doing is natural and not mean/nasty.