How To Move On

Thank you, that’s actually really interesting, it does fit it in some senses. I don’t want to say he is a bad therapist as I feel guilty doing that, I think I probably was the one who caused the issues as I wasn’t making progress as quick as he wanted and was somewhat resistant to certain things. I think I caused him a lot of frustration and that’s why eventually he lost patience with me. I’m not saying how he handled things was right as it’s really really hurt me but I guess he’s only human and some people you just don’t like and that’s how he felt about me, which is really really painful to think.

Please be careful within yourself here, KLL85. It's not either/or and you did not cause the issue because you weren't making progress. Resistance is not usually something we can consciously control and the T's overreaction (IMO) was maybe the best he could do, due to his own issues. Perhaps he felt responsible for moving you past the resistance and did not know how. Or something like that. And then projected that responsibility onto you, when you could consciously do no more than you were doing already?

And, yeah, not being liked is very painful to think about. That's something that could be useful to explore somehow. But from what you have written here there doesn't seem to be much evidence of that? Just that he got frustrated-- which I think is on him and how he handled his frustration, not about you.

My last therapist could not, for her own issues I believe, own her part in the impasse and SHE terminated me. But there are other people who have posted in this forum and in difficult situations, like this has been for you, and their therapists HAVE been able to own that they hurt their client and hence, it has sounded like, it can help the client move past both the hurt the therapist caused AND the original unhealed trauma.

I think, based on a lot of thinking about this in my own situation, that writing and communicating about how badly you feel feel may help. And not focusing on the complaint part, as Lonelyinmyheart suggested. It's very hard to tease those apart, I know from experience. But ultimately, I have no control over my ex-T and what she does. I only have my own responses, which have been pain. So -- what am I going to do with that? Still very much in the early stages, still can barely stand to feel it. That's where support groups have really been helpful, though.

I’m so close to emailing him and telling him I’ve changed my mind and I want to see him again. I know this isn’t the right thing to do and it’s better to move on but I am really struggling with the idea of not seeing him again. I keep telling myself that maybe I can convince him to care about me. This is so hard, I don’t know if I can cope with this feeling for much longer.

You will feel like this. You're crying out to make it all okay again and go back to familiar territory with him. It's a misplaced way of trying to correct the past and get the care you need. However, you know deep down you this won't work and you won't feel any better long term. Sure, on a short term level it will be a relief to go back, but very soon you'll be unhappy again because you can't change another person. It's just like being in any sort of unhappy or abusive relationship. I tried leaving my ex many times and ended up going back, only for more unhappiness. I grieved when I finally left, but it was a relief too and I've never looked back.

Try and resist your emotional urges and see them what they are - conditioned cravings for more of the same. You'd be going back to unhappiness. You can't change your T. If anything he might be even worse knowing he has more power over you (if he's truly that way inclined).

If you can sit these temptations out, you WILL feel better in the long term, more empowered and able to find people who really can help you.

Thank you so much for this. Messages like this really do help me realise there are people out there who truly to understand how I feel. Thank you.

So after giving myself a couple of weeks to allow the emotions to settle I sent him an email yesterday explaining exactly how hurt and upset (without being accusatory or angry) I was about what had happened in hope that it would somehow help with closure. It hasn’t. I’m still wanting him to suddenly get in touch to check that I’m ok and tell me that he cares which is ridiculous as he wouldn’t have even done that when I was his client let alone now I’ve terminated. I’m still thinking about him every day. I realise now that I had really begun to see him as a parental type figure and was much more attached than I thought and feeling let down and hurt by him is just bringing back so many feelings from being a child.
I just want to forget him but I can’t.

Give it time, honestly. It's still very early days. I grieved for my former T for more than a year and that was a healthy ending, with good emotional closure. It will be harder for you but it's possible and in fact I would say the only healthy way forward, as painful as that is. It's natural that you want to hear from your T and long for his love and care. It's hard to accept that this likely won't be the case. Be gentle with yourself and trust that you will get through this. If there's any way of seeing another T (I can't remember if you mentioned this) maybe that is an option? I saw someone else to help me with the grief over my former T.

I agree with all of this, including looking for another T. I’d say it took me a year to fully deal with/accept terminating with ex-MC. It was ok at times, then the sadness would come back at various times. I feared I’d never fully get over it. But...I think I’m like 99.5% there. But it takes time. It’s a grieving process. It can help to accept that, to not be hard on yourself.