T basically gave me false hope?

Sorry this is so long. I came out as trans a couple months ago. I explained to my T I have felt like this for 15 years but when I told a previous T she just said I was confused, and that messed me up so badly I didn’t tell anyone again until I met this new T. She instantly understood. She brought in my mom and it was a big deal. She gave me the name of a doctor/surgeon and said he will for sure take me seriously and be able to help me.

Last week she was very weird during my session. I thought maybe it was me but she has said before that she gets moody and try’s not take it out on clients. But we talked about my transition and she said “you know, because you have mental illness, transitioning and being on testarone may not be the best.” I explained that people with gender dysphoria have a higher risk of suicide. She said nothing to that.

I don’t get it. Why would she give me the names of doctors and promise that something will happen and now she’s saying it’s a bad idea? A couple months ago she even demanded I stop losing weight because it was a bad idea for my transition. Now I’m 30 pounds heavier as a result of that and she’s saying I have binge eating disorder. I basically feel like she gave me false hope about my future. Does anyone have any suggestions? I see the new doctor next week.

That seems odd. I wonder if she learned more information about transitioning and testosterone or if she got feedback from a supervisor or if like you said she gets moody. If this is something that you are sure about and it sounds like you are then I think you should try to set aside her opinions and talk to the doctor. She may have some or even a lot of information about transitioning, but she can't prescribe the medication and so probably doesn't really know if you are a candidate or not.

I know very little about the effect that giving testosterone to a person with a mental illness would have, but just by doing a quick google search I found one medical article that said that there was no evidence that it worsened mental health symptoms and a lot of personal stories that said that it improved their mental health a lot, which makes sense. If someone starts to feel like their body is beginning to match their true gender it only seems logical that they would start to feel more comfortable with themselves and likely experience less depression.

As far as binge eating disorder, do you actually binge? Or do you just eat more than you need to eat? If this is going to stop you from transitioning in some way, like you need some sort of mental health evaluation, I would get a second opinion. This really could be her problem.

For me, testosterone has been weird. It can bring out more self-masochistic behaviors and I believe it has caused some issue with me processing reality. I am not sure if some of this is because I am trying to keep my hormones in an in between level as I don't really identify as either gender (or so I claim). I would have to say I identify much more masculine than I do feminine. Anyway, I typically run my testosterone at a level that is much higher than females but below normal range for men. This pushes my estrogen to below normal ranges for females. I use a gel so I do daily applications. When I let it creep up, I notice changes and I don't feel like me (something I struggle with anyway).

I know that there have been some studies recently around ASD and gender specifically as it relates to FTM. I don't know your dx, if ASD or similar is possible, it might be because of that. I've also known someone with bipolar and taking Testosterone caused all kinds of unbalancing in the days after his shots.

When I went to get Testosterone, the endocrine doc was ready with prescription in hand and I had to slow him down. He had no concerns around my mental health. I don't think I needed a letter to see him. I did need a letter from my T for top surgery and 2 letters for hysterectomy.

Regarding losing weight - I lost significant weight for my surgeries. In fact, it's better if you can get your body as close as possible to good shape before any surgeries that way they can better shape you. I'm not sure where she was with all that unless you were significantly underweight.

It does sound like she was acting weird, I don't know.

Ping me if you want to talk about any of it.

She thinks everything is an eating disorder. If I lose weight I must have anorexia. If I overeat it’s binge eating disorder. If I do intermittent fasting (the right way) I’m restricting. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point about her. I just googled signs of a toxic therapist and she has a number of the signs. I’ve started holding back information from her and I don’t know if it’s working out but I’m not sure I can go through this transition without a therapist. I don’t know how to talk to her without her thinking I have BPD or something since she has diagnosis on her brain. My last session was very discouraging though.

I think you might want to talk to a psychiatrist about all this in addition to a therapist. I think you just need more info than what she provides you with

It sounds as though, like someone else said, the therapist may have gone away and researched into it.

Have you considered being upfront and just asking your therapist? What changed from one session to the next?

I was going to ask her tomorrow about it. But still it’s unprofessional for her to not research it and talk to people before giving me names and stuff.

If he really can’t do the testatrone I’m willing to just get the top surgery done and then work crazy hard at the gym. But I’ll discuss it with her tomorrow. But I am for sure finding trust issues with her now.

I wonder if it's possible for you to switch to a T who has a better understanding of your situation? You may have to call around and ask specifically if they have experience with it. I'd feel uncomfortable if every time I said something T was jumping to a new diagnosis!

She claims I just misunderstood what she was saying and what she was saying was I have to think through everything and that with testatrone it’s like going through puberty and menopause at the same time and that can affect mental illness. But she says I just have to think through everything. But she says she said she wasn’t saying I “couldn’t” do it.

And she is correct about that. It is certainly important to understand how the hormonal changes can be a particular issue with mental illness.

My mtf daughter and her mtf fiancee are going through hrt right now, and with the girlfriend, who also has some serious PTSD issues, the hormones create more intense anxiety issues and nightmares. Fortunately, she was aware of that possibility and has good support in place, but it is creating additional issues.

Yes, it is like going through puberty. There's lots of things that go on that are strange and hard to navigate. They can mess with ones mind. I've had acne, body hair in places I don't want, appetite issues, temperament changes, sexuality shifts (both mental interests and physical sensations), confusions over losses and gains, and so on.

When I first started down the path to top surgery I was very excited then as the day approached I became terrified - not sure if it would be a mistake, if I talked about it with T would she pull her letter, will my wife still be ok with me, will others notice... At the time, T worked for the hospital and clinic where I was having the surgery. She was able to stop in after surgery and visit with me. I think that was a blessing.

Trigger warning - sexual content


At those higher levels, I've also found myself being more self-sadistic/masochistic when I hit that hormone range. The part of me that identifies with my aggressor comes out and I start demanding more from myself and punishing myself more severely when I do not meet some idealized version of "perfection".

Since you've talked about weight being a concern of yours, I want to say that with testosterone, I have struggled more with hunger. My body has also shifted to holding more weight/fat around my waist rather than in my hips so when I am up in weight it is more visually noticeable to me. I've always been easy at gaining muscle so I'm not sure the testosterone has had an impact there. I have worked harder at developing my body since starting down this journey and I've loved some of my chest/shoulder/back development. I don't think I'll ever have a "triangle" shape because of my weight/body pre-journey. Something to be mindful of when starting.

Oh - and if you have a family line that genetically leans towards baldness or thinning hair; taking testosterone will likely trigger hair loss for you. Yep, it has great potential to start growing out of places like arms, chest, back, butt... and fall out from your head. Look around your family line to figure that out. As a genetic female, you'll need to look on both sides of the family. On your dad's side, look at your grandmother and your father. On your mom's side, look at your grandmother, grandfather, uncles, brothers, your grandmother's father - to get a clue as to how your body might change hair wise (and to some degree fat distribution as well).

Some things are reversible but others are not. Hair changes are a mixed bag on if they are reversible or not, most are not. Voice changes are not reversible once they hit a certain point of change. Fat distribution is reversible as is the ability to become pregnant and carry a child if that is desired (given no hysterectomy). Also, if no hysterectomy, you are still at risk for all those cancers - meaning you'll still be encouraged to have pap smears.

Sorry this is super long. I don't know where you live, if you live in a large enough city, there should be local support groups. I highly recommend finding one (if you have not already done so). It's a great place to feel supported and to ask questions of all kinds. When you do have your surgeries, you will need help getting around afterwards. If you don't have a support circle, a support group might have something in set up to help out or you might find a buddy that could help out.

Well I saw the doctor today. He was super supportive and understanding. He said he can help. He told me the risks of testatrone. He asked me my history and my family history and other stuff but he ultimately said it was fine to do. He asked what support I had in place and what research I had done myself. He said he only has experience with the shots but he wants me to to research the different kinds. Gels and pills. He needs me to get off my birth control first. So I see my gynecologist next week. He wants to see me again in 3 weeks. I just found him to be very understanding. He said nothing about my weight except if I was exercising. He did stress about the risks but he said “it’s just like the risks you have when you take birth control.” He called me young man to the receptionist which mad me ecstatic. He said there’s no need to tell my job and that they will figure things out on their own.