Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

I'm not as good as I was yesterday. I'm more sore and stuff. I stopped a medication and it took a bit to get started on a few plans. I got to paint today! I feel tired.

Final ENT retake in around 9 days then school just starts again early at the end of August.

I feel so trapped and suffocated.

I hope I can figure this all out...

Dear T: should I call you and tell you how unwell I'm doing? Would it do any good? Kit

I am so very glad that you sent that email the other day. So glad that you are somehow still so sensitive to when I need you. It's rather amazing, it is. Looking forward to talking Wednesday.

eta: of course it could just be a complete coincidence and you emailed all your not-too-far-in-the-past clients and offered your services because of these insanely jacked up times we're living in. But I choose to stick with the fantasy that I'm your favorite client ever

Dear Ex-MC,
That's not the reply I was expecting--honestly, at this point I figured you just weren't going to reply at all, that you were concerned about possible liability for HIPAA violation or something. For some reason, the "Take care of yourself, LT" affected me the most. It feels like you really do still care, over 2 years after we terminated. And to say it's still OK to contact you if it helps me, when I gave you a very clear opening to say you'd rather I not contact you, or that I could give annual updates or something.

So, thank you. It helps confirm that what I felt from you wasn't just in my head.
Love (?),
LT
PS--Promise not to contact you much, if at all.

Dear T--this is a scheduling text. I sent it 3.5 hours ago. Could you please get back to me? I know that it isn't a terribly long time. I'm just being impatient. Love you, Kit

I am SO not well mentally. Another big change at work. H is mad at me because he insisted I give him my opinion on whether he should do one job last week, and he did it because I kept saying it's up to you, now it looks like because he earned $93 last week, they are canceling his pandemic unemployment completely. He is over 65 and diabetic so had not been working but he is tired of not working and thought it would be safe for him to do one job a week. And now he is mad at me. On top of my already sky high anxiety over everything else going on. I'm over my limit and heading for a breakdown and I need help I NEED HELP please can you help me???

I feel like I did something??? I’m sorry I lose control when I have sleep episodes and sometimes send goofy emails.

Dear T: Thanks for saying you would call me around 6:30ish. And secretly I love the XO's. Although outwardly I'm like pretending not to. Love Kit

I hope you are prepared for the mess that is me right now. Today was a very bad day in my head.

Dear T,

I don't know what to say to you tomorrow. I hope you can help me talk about this.

-c

Dear Ex-MC,
I gave you the chance to tell me to go away--why didn't you take it?

Love,
LT

Artie I'm sorry you're struggling so much. H losing the unemployment payment is not your fault at all. You guys should have been given clearer guidance from the start.

I'm sorry if you don't want comments, but maybe you should just let him go? Not to contact him or ask him anything. You have your good dr T around, talk to him instead. You don't need your ex mc for anything.

Comments are OK. It had been 9 months since I'd last contacted him, and I hadn't really intended to contact him again. It was just the buildup of stress and sadness from the pandemic and then the protests that led me to write him. I also reached out to some old friends who I hadn't talked to in a while over the past couple weeks. Dr. T thinks it's just something I do when I get really distressed, like I go down a list (including more current friends, H, and Dr. T), and ex-MC is pretty far down the list right now, but this time I got to him.

I do wonder if I may have subconsciously wanted him to tell me to not contact him again (even though it would have hurt), so that I could take him off that list (because I'd follow the rules). Because it's hard for me to completely delete him myself. But Dr. T said he thought the 9 months was an accomplishment, that I probably wouldn't have believed 2 years ago (right after we terminated with him) that I'd be able to do that on my own. (And that last time I'd reached out to him, last September, was when I'd had a big rupture with Dr. T, so he wasn't an option at that time--I did seek out another T to consult with, two actually.)

So, yeah, a goal is just to not contact him again.

It is noticeable that your goal is to not contact him again when he has said it is ok and when you benefited from the contact in some way - either because it was reassuring or because it gave rise to emotions for you to consider and reflect on. Do you feel like you shouldn't contact him? That not emailing him is the right thing to do, obeying the rules? Or is that the contact is not useful for you? Sorry, this probably isn't the thread for me to extend this discussion.

LT I'm not judging at all why you contacted him, it happened. I was mainly talking about what happens in the future. You don't need him to tell you what to do

Maybe I need to make an "LT's ex-MC thread" to go along with my "LT's Dr. T thread." That's a good question. I felt bad, almost ashamed, about contacting him last week (the first time), like I'd failed, that I was weak. I was afraid to even tell Dr. T about it (and also to tell one of my friends who knows all the history there). I think the contact was useful. But Dr. T has said if he was in ex-MC's place, he wouldn't reply to those types of emails. So I guess that partly implies to me that it's wrong? I guess I also just feel that I should be "over him" by now, like completely put him in the past. And maybe in some tiny way like I'm betraying Dr. T in writing to him? I don't know, lots of stuff to think about...

Hm, perhaps I could create a more general thread just about contacting former T's?