[Omers]

Anyone that reads my posts knows I feel very close to my T. I think he is amazing and doing really great work with me. He is my safety, my shelter in the storm. Some sessions he is like a best friend, sometimes he is dad, sometimes he even feels like mom. T is very open with me for which I am thankful. He also has a family member that has a strong social media presence which I found easily with google. Just a couple days ago I found even more. Pictures of his life outside the office. T enjoying his hobbies, trying out potential new hobbies, going on adventures, eating out, eating at home... picture of most aspects of normal life that one might take pictures of. I will admit I am afraid of his wife, I have convinced myself she would hate me but of course I have nothing to back that with. I don’t know her, never met her, just saw her in the parking lot one day. But I see him with his wife, with his kids, with his grandkids and it brings me so much joy and confidence in his work with me. Yes, there are little things you can pick up on from the pictures, his life isn’t perfect. When I look at the pictures I do feel a deep longing... THIS, this is what I want! Being together, doing things together, adventures, rituals, family meals, smiles and hugs. I know that there is also laundry, house cleaning, arguments.... the normal things of life but he is living the kind of life I want. It motivates me to work harder with him, to push myself a little harder when my first instinct is to push away or run. I don’t feel jealous though, I don’t want to be adopted into his family or take the place of any family member. I am content to be his client knowing that he knows how to create the life I want and can teach me what I need to get there. When/if I find healing do I want to be a part of his life still? Yes. We have a strong bond and so many things we enjoy talking about together that distract from therapy and have to be limited in our current relationship.
But even T doesn’t understand my lack of jealousy. He sees my sadness when he isn’t going to be in the office for a week but then my excitement when he says he is visiting family. T wonders if maybe I don’t feel safe enough to be jealous or that I am but can’t tell him. T doesn’t encourage or discourage transference. When we feel it we talk about it so maybe that’s part of it.
Are there others who aren’t jealous of T’s family? That are connected to their T and would like to be a part of their life but not an intimate part of their life? Again, even T seems confused by my strong feelings for him but lack of jealousy or desire to be a part of his family.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I was quite close to my therapists but was never jealous of their families. It never crossed my mind. In my case I come from my own very close-knit family so I had no longing for someone else’s. I find it odd that he thinks you should somehow be jealous though. I’m not typically the jealous type about anything to be honest; maybe you aren’t either.

[Omers]

I think from what I have read on PC and other places that most people with my kind of history would be. I did not come from a close family, or much of a family at all for that matter. I am normal enough for google which I don’t tell him about but I really don’t think he cares.
T is surprised by a lot of my reactions or lack of reactions which I assume is based on his experience with other clients, especially those with similar experiences. The only times we have had any kind of break in rapport were misunderstandings of what was said. What I heard was inconsistent with everything I know about him and I panic. Other than that not much phases me.
I did get jealous when he took a week off to do an intensive therapy program with a client through another agency. It was sort of inpatient in that they stayed on the grounds of the counseling center and meals and stuff were prepared for them... they had three full days with no responsibility other than healing with the help of my T. T and I talked about it and how it reflected how badly I want to heal. I’ve been OK with him doing those since (about 4 in a year of working with him).

[Lonelyinmyheart]

For me it depends on the t and the environment where I see them. With both first t's I didn't see them at their home so it never even crossed my mind to feel jealous of their families or even to wonder if they had one. T3 I did see her at home but I didn't ever feel jealous of her family because I just didn't have that kind of relationship with her. It's completely different with current t because I see her at home and I feel Incredibly close to her so I do feel jealous of the people that see her more.

It sounds like maybe you feel secure enough in the work with your therapist and so wanting to be part of his family just isn't part of the work for you?

[stopdog]

I have never been envious or jealous of, around, or near a therapist and/or their family members

[Lrad123]

I have googled my therapist and am aware that his wife is also a therapist and that he has two grown children and a grandchild. He, and everyone in his life, from what I can tell are all “normal.” No one seems too quirky or odd or even too beautiful or perfect in any way, just normal, and I think that made me feel more comfortable with him. I am definitely not jealous of his family, nor do I wish I was part of his family. I have little twinges of moments where I wonder if his other clients are more interesting than me or if he feels more connected with them than me, but these are only occasional twinges. I do not feel any of that for his family.

[Salmon77]

Sometimes I wish I had a close relationship with my family or that I had children, like T does, but I don't feel envious of his family or want to spend time with them. I want my own people.

[Omers]

Thanks @Lrad123,
This is what I have found too with my google searches. My husband was upset and jealous when he found out I googled T. Then we talked about it and H asked what did I learn that was so D* important. I told him that I learned T was normal, frighteningly, wonderfully, boringly normal and why that was helpful to me.
While T does not know of my google searches he does share a lot. It started when he went to show me a very specific picture on his phone related to his hobby. He paused for a second on a picture of him and his granddaughter and his pride as a gramma took over for a moment. He told me who the little girl was and how much he loved that time with her and then went on to find the hobby photo. Once I saw that photo I couldn’t help but see how different it was from my experiences as a baby and as a grandchild so we started talking about it. He learned the more he shared about his life/family the more I was able to see how different (toxic) my family was in a very safe and gentle way. I have never had anything else to compare my childhood to until that picture. I think we spent 4 sessions just on that one picture. It has totally changed therapy for me, changed my goals/expectations, and changed how much importance I place on different traumas from my childhood.
It’s hard to feel anything other than love when seeing him with his kids or grandkids and just so happy and engaged and alive. I want that! But not his, I want my own.

[LonesomeTonight]

I was jealous of ex-MC and wished he could have been my father (which wouldn't have worked too well with his being only 12 years older than me, but...) That (and the transference) particularly flared up for me when he talked about helping his daughter cope with her anxiety. I'd also had anxiety as a kid (and now), and I thought of how different my childhood could have been if I'd had a father (or mother) like him who'd understood it and knew how to help. Plus, he seemed very warm and fuzzy, which my father is...not. I felt a particular twinge of jealousy when he took a week off and said he was taking his daughter to see college campuses. (I mean, my parents did that with me, but I was thinking of the time alone in the car with him, bonding.) The jealousy was helped a bit when he talked about screaming at his son in anger at one point until his son asked, "Do you still love me, dad?" Because his office persona clearly wasn't who he was all the time in real life. And some other stuff he shared.

At times I also wished I could have been married to him, because he was so much more understanding of my anxiety and other mental health issues than my H. But then, from things he said, he certainly wasn't like that all the time in his real life. At one point, on a phone call, he said to me that if I knew him in real life, I'd think he's an asshole. He later said he was exaggerating, but, still, he was trying to make the point that how he is in therapy mode isn't who he is all the time (and I saw some of that, well, asshole side come out in our final rupture that ultimately led to me terminating).

With current T, I *do* get the sense he's an asshole at times. I mean, he's been one to me (and I guess I've sorta been one back at times...). I said to him at one point that I'm sure he's a great father and maybe an OK husband, or something like that! Then was like, "OK, that came out sorta bad!" But I don't wish I was married to him. And I think his being a bit closer in age (7 years older) makes me feel less paternal stuff toward him. But...this may sound odd...but at times I wish he could be my D's dad because he seems to understand autism so well (his son may be on the spectrum, too--complicated topic). Yet it's not like I'd necessarily want him to be my husband. It's interesting to me the difference in transference between them.

All that being said, I can understand your not being jealous of your T. That maybe you in some way want what he has but not *exactly* what he has. That he's more of an inspiration or role model to you.

I admit that I'm a bit jealous of your relationship with your T at times...Hope that's not weird!

[arielawhile]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I admit that I'm a bit jealous of your relationship with your T at times...Hope that's not weird!

Me too!

I really like my T. We have some shared interests. He's super smart and warm and funny. A little sharp underneath which is weirdly important to me. That said, I've never felt a twinge of jealousy about his family. Because seriously, his private life is his own?

I have wished that I could be a friend though, hang out over a beer or something and listen to some music and chat. It's a little frustrating that session is all about me and my (sometimes to me) boring crud, and we can't just talk about fun stuff. Though it would also be frustrating for me to have to pay big bucks to talk about fun stuff!

[Omers]

No, not weird. One of the biggest reasons I share on here is there are SO many bad T’s IMO. I’ve worked with them, their games, their BS, their power games... all in the name of “therapy”. They convince clients that theirs is the one true way to healing. BS! I want people to see a different option. I want people to know to keep trying until they find someone that fits. My T is far from perfect. He is away a lot, doesn’t always keep my spot open for me, forgets things... he is human... but for me it is so much more healing than the sterilized, follow the book, I’m the Dr you’re the sick one mentality.

T did share with me a while ago about a horrible weekend and a fight with his wife. I had to laugh, as much as T hates my H he sounded JUST like him in what he shared about the argument. There are things I learned about him through google that would drive me absolutely nuts! I know I have traits that outside his office would send him through the roof! I keep my part politely in check and he accepts me unconditionally... for an hour. In his office. LOL. For example he is a total neat freak... the house he works out of is immaculate... even the lines from the vacuum are evenly separated and perfectly parallel (when I mentioned this his instant reaction was to ask if one of his lines was crooked... pure, unfiltered, neurotic insecurity). I am a crazy cat lady living on a 30 acre farm who wears muck boots about everywhere. Yeh, we’d fight! And, I know, even being a T, he doesn’t fight “fair” by MY (almighty) rules (learned hard and fast in debate and philosophy)! Oh, it would not be pretty! But... sharing burgers at an event connected to one of our shared hobbies? Oh heck yes!!!!

And just as an example of how close some of our circles run... one of Ts friends lives across the street from my barn! His friends house is back on the property and they are friends with my sister in law. T’s friends parents are a house closer to the road... T’s friends mom loves sitting watching my animals during the day! My H and I keep an eye on T’s friends parents especially when T’s friend is out of town! T STILL thinks I live in my sister in laws house no matter how much I tell him he is off by a house! So, sometimes it is kind of hard to not know about him. I am 100% sure that even if I had never set that first appointment with him we would have met somewhere. And yes, if the neighbors have something going on I can’t help but watch for T’s car to go by... I know the route he takes and he goes right in front of my house. He knows this and laughs... he promised if he saw something crazy driving by that he would bring it up the next session. With horses, dogs and a cadre of black cats... wild animals and the craziness that IS this neighborhood I could TOTALLY run in front of his car barefoot in my PJs chasing some escaped critter that can’t manage to stay on our side of the road! OMG his wife would DIE! ROFL!