My own little vacation drama

My T is about to go on vacation for a week which means I won’t see him for two weeks. I have tremendous ambivalence about therapy and although I like my T very much and we have nice moments and just last week, I even left his office feeling all warm and fuzzy, by the time the next week rolls around, I’ve often done an emotional 180 and I often entertain the idea of skipping (but usually don’t). So you’d think I’d be relieved by the fact that he’s going on vacation, but I’m not.

How do I feel about his vacation? Of course he should go on vacation this time of year. It’s the perfect time to get out of our freezing state and also, he hasn’t had a break for a while. I want him to go. It’s totally the right thing to do. On the flip side, I hate that he’s doing this. It’s incredibly disruptive. I can’t even email him because he won’t answer. He’s just falling off the face of the earth as far as I’m concerned. That totally sucks for me. It feels like I have to hold my breath for two weeks. Or maybe I’ll end up getting by just fine, but feeling like I don’t want to put myself through this again in which case I wonder, is this the last week I’ll ever see him? Is this how it ends? That’s stressful. I’m aware that this is all super ridiculous and I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I know it makes no sense because I have a hard time showing up much of the time, so I should be relieved. But I’m not. I’m upset at myself for being upset about such a trivial thing. I shouldn’t put myself in a situation where this can happen. I’m mad at myself for having these thoughts and feelings and I’m mad at him for letting this happen to me. It’s not fair that he gets to sit by calmly while I act like a freak.

I sent him an email about this on Sunday, and got the generic, “thanks for sharing. See you Wednesday email” which made me feel ridiculous all over again. I’ve already said goodbye in my head, so it feels easier just not to go in this week. Please tell me why I should go see him for my two sessions this week. I’m really trying to figure this out.

You often describe yourself as being ambivalent about therapy. Are you truly ambivalent? I can hear how your reactions alternate between a push away and a pull closer response, but I am starting to think (about myself so this is probably projection) that this isn't ambivalence. It is an oscillating response to the same underlying feeling or desire - one of attachment or closeness. The desire for closeness remains constant and unambivalent, but the ability to tolerate or accept that desire fluctuates and so the push/pull emerges. Does this make sense? Do I need more coffee?

You know I understand about the T vacation anxiety... I'm sorry his email reply was so unhelpful. I'd suggest going to your sessions this week and talking to him about what you're feeling. One of the times Dr. T went on vacation, I sort of tried to stay detached in the session before he left, discussing lighter topics, etc. And I found that made it worse, because it felt like I'd missed out on that session, too (he said later he could tell the difference in me that session). So for his next vacation, I intentionally tried to avoid doing that, and it helped. I also found it helped to make plans for something fun the week he was gone. Well, and I saw backup T, which helped. I just found out he'll be away the last weekend of this month, and I'm already nervous about it, especially because he's unsure if his backup T would be able to see me because she's changed her business and is mostly just seeing executive/management clients. He said he'd ask if she'd be willing as a favor to him, which felt nice.


If you don't go to your sessions this week, then it would be 3 weeks without seeing him. I'd say at least go to the first one and see how it feels. If you feel like it would be best to skip the next one, then do that. But then at least you'd have seen him at some point this week and been able to talk about the vacation stuff.

It’s safe to feel ambivalent about going to therapy when you know T is right where you left him. T is a solid anchor for us just sitting in his office on a shelf where we left them until we return for our next session. My T had mentioned a while ago that he would be going out of town sometime the end of January/beginning of February. When I got to his office yesterday he warned me he was a bit out of sorts because he just returned from that trip he had told me about. The trip didn’t effect our work at all as it was just a weekend trip but when he told me he had been away there was that twinge of pain. I had that moment of “you didn’t warn me!” and “what if I needed you!” (Had I called or emailed he would have gotten back to me just as if he were home. What it really came down to though was I had an aweful weekend and spent it “knowing” he was in the office and pretending I could be there with him when I needed that support.
When we go away it is totally different. We know every detail of where we are, we know if we are OK or not and we know where we left the important people and things in our lives. When they move we are left with our unknowing and a glaring awareness of our lack of power/control over life.
Not going to that last session before they leave is getting that power and control back. I can’t control loosing you/missing you/you going away but I can be the one to walk away. My T and I hug at the end of every session. T hugs me a little tighter as my cue that I need to let go... he holds tighter and “makes” me initiate the break. It gives me the feeling of control and as stupid as it looks typing it out here I have to admit it works and I like it. After our hug T stands as his desk until I start down the stairs... then he usually heads for the bathroom... but he always lets me leave (unless I sneak a peek on the way out) seeing him standing at the same spot at his desk that he is standing at when we start the session.

With T leaving for two weeks it makes sense to feel a little shaky and uneasy even if it would be easy for you to skip two weeks worth of sessions. Knowing there will be no contact (even if you never once contacted him between sessions) makes it feel even more absolute and alone.

You don’t have to go see him for your two sessions this week but if you don’t go you are giving your control away to something in your past not keeping it with adult you. Our minds might like to tell us that if we don’t go we are controlling the abandonment but in reality we are just losing control to our past which keeps us “safely” in the same pattern... the same lie. If we keep going back to the lie it gets stronger and we don’t have to risk healing and feeling something new and scary... like the security of knowing T can walk away from you, still care and come back in two weeks as the same T they have always been. If that happens the lie looses power and we might have to start to believe it’s really all going to be OK.

AND, as usual... this may be total projection as it totally tapped into that feeling I got in session yesterday.

These are all fantastic responses you've already received!

To build on the above, I'm wondering if when the feelings of need and attachment become difficult to tolerate, then maybe by extension, you think you are somehow unacceptable. You've talked before of how you aren't like this in real life, how you're responsible and independent, etc. So somehow, for you, to need is wrong. And so there's this dichotomy where on one hand, there's this "adult," fully-functioning, somehow unattached you and on the other hand, there's this other you with fierce longings and needs. And maybe the work of therapy is to work on listening to this needy you, to make room for this person, and how to...I don't know...balance it all?

If it makes it any better, I think this push/pull is pretty common. I'm back from an almost two-month break from my therapist that I initiated. It was my second break during my time with him. And I told him, "Don't think I don't get the irony that I totally fear abandonment, but I'm always the one who leaves." And he said, "It's because you're the one in control." And I was like *light bulb moment.*

Thank you for articulating this. This is really helpful for me and my process.

Hmmm. That’s an interesting thought. Maybe I’m not using the word ambivalent correctly. I think my T has used that word to describe me though. I do think that maybe you are right that it has something to do with not being able to tolerate certain feelings towards my T. Yes, the desire for closeness is there, but the reality of that possibility is scary and uncomfortable and even embarrassing. In order to deal with that maybe I like to take control by canceling or talking about canceling.

This makes a ton of sense and is probably how I’ll get myself there. I can go to one session, but don’t have to go to both. The problem is that I’ve already managed to start feeling detached from him in preparation for his trip. If I go, then I may feel something again and then I’ll have to start the whole process of getting detached again. So why not just skip this week and make it easier on myself? I know that’s sort of silly logic (especially in the context of seeing a relationally focused therapist) but that’s how my brain is working.

You are so right about it being about control. I think what I’m having a hard time processing is why wouldn’t I want to have control? How can it be good for me to give up control? How else does one deal with this type of situation if not by taking control?

Well, that would be the question of my lifetime. If there is such a thing as A life lesson that must be learned in ones lifetime that would be mine!

Wow. Yes. This is great and feels like it rings true. I definitely need to think about this some more, but it feels accurate. I have found that after I express need or insecurity in therapy I feel just dreadfully awful, like an imposter, and then my instinct is to withdraw. I’m not sure how to not have that reaction to having a need or expressing insecurity. I have no idea how to get more balance with all of this. I just can’t see a way. But I guess maybe that’s the work of therapy as you said.

I have no idea either. We can all straggle on together...

Well I just coped by canceling the week he returns. He has a 14 day cancellation policy so it was now or never. Obviously I’m just trying to get some control here. Probably not ideal, but that’s what I did. Commence Operation Detach.

Hugs, Lrad. But he’s said he’ll keep your times open, right? So you could still have them if you change your mind? Or is it different because you’re canceling with so much notice?

Yes he has said that which I suppose is nice of him, but I just sent him an email with my cancellation dates and told him not to keep them open for me if someone else needs the time. If I want it back, I’ll email him and ask if it’s available. I’m not paying for the slots since I canceled in time, so he’s under no obligation to hold it for me. One of the days I am actually out of town, but the second day I just decided to cancel. I do have a habit of changing my mind, so we’ll see.