I swore at my therapist

I don’t use profanity much at all, but I sent my therapist an email telling him to F*** You. He’s on vacation and I’m having all sorts of weird feelings about it and I just can’t stand it. I have the whole push-pull thing going on with him, so I want closeness but also have a super hard time with it. I just wanted to create distance in the hopes that I’d regain control over these crazy emotions, I guess. But now I just feel ashamed. I sent him an FU email over a year ago and it comes up from time to time. At the time I had no idea that it affected him, but he recently referenced it saying something about how it upset him when I did that. So I think I wanted to upset him any way I could for making me feel anything towards him which is so incredibly uncomfortable. He hasn’t responded since he doesn’t respond while on vacation, but I suspect he’ll be all nice about it. Anyone one else swear at their therapist or am I the only one?

I haven't but I know it happens a lot. The Ts and pdocs I know do not take it personally.

Yeah, you’re probably right. I alternate between wanting to affect him in some way, but also not wanting to be hurtful.

No, I don't swear at people. I believe in respectful communication.

There are more effective ways to communicate pain or anger and so on.

By the same token, IF a therapist swore at me, I would be out that door. Respect is a two-way street, for me.

I’m incredibly appropriate and respectful and considerate in all aspects of my life which is why this feels so weird to me. But you are probably right that this wasn’t a great way to communicate. I feel like I was experimenting with a new way of being (not a great one, I’ll admit) and maybe I’m sort of curious how he’ll handle it too. Like, will he still like me if I’m not always perfect and appropriate?

I don't swear AT people. I do swear ABOUT people. So, while I might have sworn about people in my life in a therapy session, I wouldn't have sworn AT my therapist.

However, it happens. I doubt that most therapists have completely escaped that kind of vitriol directed at them at some point. Try not to beat yourself up about it too badly. It doesn't sound like it is a normal action for you.

I'm a teacher, and it's happened to me a few times over the years. It has honestly never been about me, and I know that, so I try not to take it personally. That doesn't make it feel good though. It is upsetting to me, even when I know they'll turn around and apologize profusely next time I see them because they know they were out of line and just venting at me because, oddly enough, I'm a safe person to do that with and they know it. It's a paradox that way.

Not sworn, but got very angry at T via text in a way that I don't with anyone else. I completely relate to the curiosity about whether T will still like you even if you're not perfect. This is definitely a factor for me and my T thinks it's a good sign that I can start to express anger with her and trust she won't reject me over it.

I don't routinely swear at people but I frequently use swear language as part of my everyday communications. I don't see the big deal.

I have said "f you" to my therapist in an email. However, I have said far worse to her in person and without using swearing. It's colder and more cutting when I am vicious without obvious verbal aggression and that is how I behave when I want to hurt her. I am not proud of that aspect of my personality and we are just beginning to really dig into that nasty part of me.

Your therapist might be hurt and even offended by what you have said. Hopefully he expresses his hurt because that will inform your work together.

I always assume that you are a woman, Lrad123. I think it is a really important part of a woman's self-development that we look at our feelings and impulses around our aggression, hostility, and violent behaviours. We are taught to be quiet and well behaved. Sometimes we are wild and angry and therapy is a great place to witness our socially unacceptable behaviours.

My T would probably love it if I sent him an email like that. He'd think it was some sort of break through, that I was allowing myself to feel affected by him, and that I was really getting in touch with my emotions. And he would talk about it forever.

I think it's good to experiment with expressing yourself in a different way and learning not to be so bound up in being polite. As long as you can choose when you're going to let it out and when to hold back.

My Ts and I have used swear words, but not at each other. I did tell ex-T f' you when she terminated with me. I also, in the beginning, told T I hated her. Her response was that it makes it hard to care about me and work with me when I say such things. Thay hurt me so bad. I felt so guilty. I never said such a thing again even if I was feeling it. I learned to care about her, and love her later, so it all worked out.

I get the temptation to test the waters with your therapist; I think in a way that is what the occasional student does with me. But I pull them aside and we have a discussion about boundaries because one of my boundaries is that I don't accept verbal abuse from anyone. I don't treat people that way, so I expect some basic courtesy in communication. We all have our bad moments, but it isn't okay to take them out on other people. That's a boundary my therapists would have also maintained, so if I had treated them that way, I am very certain they would have discussed their own boundary about verbal abuse and how, in the future, to more effectively communicate what I needed to them.

I’m pretty sure I’m trying to create distance and push him away which is maybe part of why I said it. I want him to care, but I also don’t want him to care if that makes any sense.

I agree that there are ways to use words and language that are much more powerful and hurtful than a simple F you.

I didn't exactly swear at ex-MC, but I told him he made me feel like s*** in a voicemail once. (Actually, maybe on two different occasions?) I said it with the intention of making him feel bad. (No idea if it actually did.) So I understand the impulse.

I swear, a LOT, just ask H. Pretty sure he to,d me he has never met an educated woman who uses the F word as much as I do. That said though it takes a lot to say it to a person. Now, my Pdoc has a one warning rule about using the F bomb towards her. T would have mixed feelings. If he knew it was just a temper tantrum about him being away I think he would welcome it. I do NOT show or express anger around him and that is a concern of his. If he thought there was a possibility he had hurt or upset me he would be very concerned. But... for all his prim and proper I know other clients have dropped F bombs with him... I also know he will drop them back to match their level of emotion... the first time I heard him say it? OMG I almost fell off the couch!

This. Exactly!! A few therapists that I know state that swearing in a session is fine, but swearing at one another is a big boundary violation. I agree with this. In fact, one of them is known to terminate clients for doing this.

Mine and I are fairly ok with cussing all we need to, about whatever. I find it eases my mind to not have watch my tongue. I cuss part of the time anyway, it's just part of how I talk. He also knows when he's gone too far or hit something we need to come back to later.

in the early months of therapy with ex-T, he was poking 'to close to for comfort' in a session, stirring up some very strong internal feelings and the next thing i know i'm hearing the words 'f*&K off!' coming from my mouth. turns out it was one of my protector parts (alter who is male) making his first appearance in session with my T. this was so uncharacteristic of me and my quiet, polite, meek, shy self. ex-T was quite shocked, but handled the situation well and this became the beginning in my therapy of exploring whether i was DID or not. from that moment, once this protector alter had been 'outed', lets just say that my therapy became very interesting, and not in a fun exciting way, but definitely confusing and insanely chaotic for a period as more alters began to reveal themselves slowly and cautiously overtime.

if my T would have terminated with me in that moment because i swore directly at him, i would have been absolutely devastated. i certainly hope most Ts have a thick enough skin to not take being sworn at so personally and have the integrity to help the client explore and understand the real intent beneath such an angry and often in the moment impulse.

Boy, I think I’d be mortified if my therapist felt the need to talk to me about boundaries around verbal abuse. I am a full grown adult and have never in my entire life been the kind of person (child or adult) who has needed any kind of help with appropriate behavior. I have totally mastered that. In fact, it’s possible I’ve mastered it too well. Being impolite or inattentive to another’s well being is just not something I do. So this is new for me and I’m hoping my T knows this. My T has said that he wishes I’d “let my hair down” or come in and complain about how I think he sucks at emails so maybe this is my pathetic attempt at heading in that direction. I am feeling bad about it though. I’m also struggling with the desire to want to affect him in some way, and maybe also figure out how to accept that he might affect me without completely freaking out at that possibility. It’s complicated.

I have a couple of alters who love to get into fights with our therapist, and she swears and them and they swear at her,apparently it’s entertaining.

I sort of love this.

I have never sworn at my therapist and would never do that. I consider it verbal abuse. I wouldn’t want anyone swearing at me so, therefore, I wouldn’t do it to anyone.

Therapy is messy, it is not as simple as calling it verbal abuse and done. If a stranger says that to me then yup we are not talking further, if someone I knew a week or two or a month says that then my boundary would be to say no, but if someone who I have worked with deeply on things that are painful and scary says it to me? I ask why. I think asking why opens up to a bigger conversation. Getting hung up on the bad word closes that door.

Yes you can asset a boundary that it is not ok but to not even ask why? You are missing out on an answer that is worth exploring. Pain isn't always expressed perfectly. I don't think you need to allow yourself to be abused but I do think a smart person would look at the pain behind the words. I hope your T can do this with you.

I also get angry at my T whenever she goes away, it is my way of missing her less.

My son has done CBT and my husband did DBT. My husband and I are also doing marriage counseling. I can’t imagine ever swearing at the therapist in any of these type of therapies. However, the individual therapist I am seeing now is psychodynamic and boy oh boy does all sorts of “deep” and hidden stuff pop up. Stuff I never imagined. In that context, I imagine that a little swearing now and then, is probably acceptable. Maybe it needs to be talked about, but I’m thinking it’s probably ok. I guess I’ll find out.

Well said. I like the way you explain this. BTW, my therapist’s favorite line is “relationships are messy.”