Too unendearing for therapy?

I realise this is rather a ridiculous title, since therapy is supposed to help people with their ''not so strengths'' even if that includes being not perfect and appealing to the therapist the whole time. However, maybe if I had been/was ''more endearing'' I might have been treated with respect. I have never sworn at a therapist, have never verbally attacked them, never physically attacked them, never ''stalked'' them in any form, never reported them... basically I have not done anything ''bad'' that might ''justify'' verbal abuse from them. Not that I think any form of abuse is justified from a therapist anyway. I'm sorry about this boring post, I have not been able to find a therapist I trust and have been appalled by reading further horror stories from some other inhabitants residing not so far from my forest, which I do not wish to specify. (I do not wish to specify where I live, I know some people probably know, as I used to occasionally share where I live...) I was told by a different therapist I have ''too many'' defences. I may have said this before at some point. I am completely confused as to why I am, apparently, not ''good enough'' for therapy, and only to be labelled and Judged by the ''Experts''..

My anxiety and mood are particularly bad today. I'm not exactly sure why

I am sorry about this ''boring'' and ''annoying'' rant. I request that nobody informs me that I ''repeat myself'' or that I ''have been talking about this for years'' since I do not find that either helpful or respectful. I cannot tolerate meds and have tried multiple meds with extreme side effects. If I took a chemical straight jacket maybe my inner critic might give me some peace occasionally This is not intended to cause offence to anyone. That is not who I am, a nasty mean person and it never was. I wonder if the two therapists were trying to find some dissociated ''mean'' part and used brutal ''honesty'' to try to get to that part. I have no idea. Aside from that, their ''techniques'' do not seem, to me, to be ethical.

I was trained well by parental units since very early childhood that all my feelings were wrong, that I was intrinsically wrong and a mistake, and that I was unwelcome and not accepted. So posting this does not feel safe. And certainly not ''easy''...I have thought of booking just a few sessions with a therapist to explore one or two issues.... but I am ambivalent. That was another thing that was said about me, re T3 ''she is already very ambivalent about this therapist'' …

Any supportive responses are welcome. Please be gentle. I have not found providers in my forest to be gentle (or even honest). But I do not like brutal ''honesty'' .. I am not ''lacking in insight'' and even if I was I do not think there is any shame in being a highly sensitive person, they can have many gifts. And I am no exception, despite what all the smart *** abusers who violated me have told me. (not about anyone on pc)

Now I feel like absolute **** and feel like deleting this whole post

whiny *** me

Hi Fuzzybear,

I have felt so many of the things you mention. Some are too painful for me to talk about. Your thoughts and feelings are totally understandable in my opinion.

On these Forums, I have come to know you as someone who is kind to others here. You often post welcomes to new members which is so sweet and admirable. I consider it a privilege and honor to have met you. I think you are very heroic! -- Yaowen

Oh Fuzzybear, I so very wish I could box up my T and send him to you. He is so very kind and gentle. Above all else he would want you comfortable and safe, everything else comes after that. He was appalled that a “professional” would tell me I was too damaged to be helped (we talked about it last week). My T would never use negativity or any other means to attempt to provoke a client, he would find that highly unethical. He has been so very kind and gentle to me that I actually wondered early on if he would be able to help but he has, he has been so very helpful.

I’m back... I know this is not what you asked for but I really feel the need to put it out there. We have had some similar experiences both in what brought us to therapy and finding lots of T’s who shouldn’t be T’s. I want to let you know it is OK to PM me if you want to “talk” with someone. I don’t get notifications from PC as it is connected to an old email but I try to get on often. T is stronger than me so I don’t think I could get him into a box to send. It would anger his wife if I mailed him off on an adventure and to be honest his wife kinda scares me.
There are no bad or undeserving clients... there are LOTS of bad T’s though.

Thank you Yaowen

Thanks Omers, T1 said I was ''damaged'' grrrrrrr.

Thank you Omers, I appreciate that. Your T does sound great, (a scary wife ) It really sucks about the bad T's.

I fake endearing but everyone knows its an act. Some people accept it, some dont. Facebook had a "what dog breed are you?" - it came up pitbull for me. Some people find me endearing, others dont trust me not to bite their heads off - who is right, who can say? i dont know myself. I DO know something is missing. Im happy in my little doghouse, all by my lonesome.

Is there a self-help book, find your inner pittie? Maybe we should write it.

A metaphor I used for the parental units was ''eggshells in a desert'' The t (early on) said that letter I wrote was ''moving''.. later on he turned it back on me and used another cruel word about me. Stupid stung bear. Maybe he is reading this and ''hating'' me I doubt it, he didn't hate me, just was indifferent - and said so Although indifference is the opposite of love....And one of the ''nice'' GP's (there were only 2) said ''none of my patients have been helped by therapy'' .. stupid whiny me, am I supposed to believe that? At least I didn't question it. Questioning leads to them upping the fobbing off tactics. Sometimes scarily so And no I don't ''hate'' doctors. They have people with ''real'' problems they need to help, not ''neurotic'' whiny *** me. HOW DARE I pollute this space or anywhere with my projectile vomit (I was a ''bad'' baby, I kept being sick..) (I am not going to keep posting, using this as a journal, that isn't my style and I am far too untrusting of the world which has bitten me so many times... probably most of the times being ''my fault''..)

I might come up as boxer dog, I'm usually nice so long as people don't bite me.

That self-help book sounds worth reading, or writing

A ridiculous title? Tragically, it's based on what a therapist actually told you. Was that in keeping with the "unconditional positive regard" of several therapies? Maybe the therapist thought it was. We'll never know for certain.

Both your reluctance to return to therapy and your temptation to do so after bad experiences are understandable. Talk therapy may be the only avenue open to you for some kind of relief.

Whatever you choose to do or not do would make good sense. I and others here support you no matter your course.

Thank you Rohag

I'm sorry, Fuzzybear, that you have had so many bad experiences with therapy/therapists. I have, too.

I didn’t gave glasses on and read “underwear for therapist”. Jeez

I think you are very much endearing but frankly I don’t believe it’s a requirement for anything let alone therapy

I definitely think that if you feel "unendearing", it's likely because people in your early life could not consider you dear -- that's not on you, of course, though I know from similar experience, that it feels like (unbudgeable) truth that it is..

For me, just changing, or trying to change, thoughts about that didn't help the underlying feeling/conviction. And having therapists reject me, time after time, didn't help either.

How can one get past that? I think one needs some one or some people who do NOT reject you -- and my support group has been that for me. I just lucked into it -- although I had been trying and looking for groups that might help me for years. Also tried to find a group or therapy that would help me with social skills (so I would be more acceptable ) without finding anything.

Still struggling, though, in the rest of my life, that's for sure.