I feel like my current situation just keeps getting worse. I don't have the resilience or real motivation to get better. I'm exhausted with trying to convince myself to put my foot down and set my sights on being better. I feel like I just want to turn it all off. If I could afford to see my psychiatrist more than once a month while out of network, I think I'd try to grab her next available appointment. And agree to go on whatever medication she thought would help be just stay in some numb state for a while. I honestly think it's like my only and best option right now. The part of that just wants shrug to every question has overpowered the other part. I think it's better to be emotinally blunted, and have that be the problem then the constant overwhelming feeling I keep having every time my mind wanders to talking about or to my family. I'm able to calm myself within. few short moments, but I'm not even sure I'm calming myself and not no just dissociating. This has all just been so exhausting, I need a break from myself,

[here today]

Being with other people -- which for me meant support groups since I was (or felt, which amounted to the same thing) so non-functional -- has been a big help. A distraction, maybe, and a feeling of belonging sometimes and an alternative to numbing? I was very motivated to "get better". Maybe that was itself a type of problem in my case.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Have you tried practicising meditation help you calm the thoughts down? This can help a lot of people and doesn't have to be associated with anything spiritual, there are plenty of pure relaxation types such as body scans, nature sounds etc.