Therapist Ultimatum: Out of Bounds?

I have significant abandonment issues, to the point that my therapist has twice promised not to abandon me. I also have a significant trauma from about 10 years ago when I was forced to make a highly sensitive disclosure to my mother and sister to prevent someone from attempting suicide.

I mention these issues in preamble because my therapist this week gave me an ultimatum to either quit group therapy run by someone else or agree to a consultation agreement between her and the group therapist. Otherwise, my therapist would terminate my care. I understand her concerns about the dual therapist situation and agreed to the consultation. agreement.

However, in retrospect, I’m really disturbed by this. My therapist is aware of these issues, shouldn’t she be more careful about triggering trauma for me? My abandonment issues make it pretty much impossible for me to say no to such a demand. I’m worried about future manipulation. And the consultation agreement is too close for comfort to me from the traumatic demand. Plus, I doubt that consultation will really allay her concerns, it will just kick the can further down the road.

I’m very attached to my therapist and kind of defensive of her, but I feel really vulnerable to manipulation right now.

That’s a rough situation to be in. It’s disturbing that your therapist “promised” to never abandon you - it’s a promise that no one on this earth can make.

But what is her issue with the group therapy/ therapist? Does she have an issue with how the group is run? Does she feel undermined by it? Or does she want permission to discuss you to the therapist who’s leading it ?

Group therapy is often seen as supplemental to treatment.

That’s a hard one. I have always automatically filled out a release for all of my mental health care providers to talk to eachother. Because of my life experiences knowing they can talk amongst themselves makes me feel safer. However, to my knowledge none of them have ever actually followed through and talked to eachother even when I have requested it. So I guess my first question would be what your T wants to be able to talk to them about. I would also be curious if your T is part of a group or something if it is mandatory for them to have that release as a liability issue.

As far as the threat to terminate? Again, I would first ask if it is part of some policy and not directly tied to you. If not I would be a bit concerned. After seeing my current T about 8 months I decided to start working with a Pdoc again that I had worked with years ago. T was very concerned and less than thrilled I was adding a Pdoc to the treatment team. I signed releases both ways, requested that they talk to eachother and was very open with T about everything that went on with Pdoc. He admitted he misjudged her and had not trusted my reasons for wanting her on the team and eventually calmed down about her.

Your post also makes me wonder what is being left out. It feels like something is missing. Is the type of group therapy in conflict with your therapists style of work? Is the group for something you have not disclosed to your therapist? IDK, just feels like I am missing an important piece of the puzzle.

They are both psychodynamic therapy approaches. I’ve been completely open with my therapist about it — I even asked for her recommendations for groups and she liked the idea. If there’s a missing element, it’s transference based. The group leader is a former T and I have expressed some concerns about her methods. Current T and I are working through erotic transference issues. When I raised some countertransference items with her about a month ago, she reacted strangely. For example: we had a session a couple months ago where I started to relate a story about a recent incident during a business trip where a young woman tried pretty aggressively to pick me up. My T got a really angry look on her face and exclaimed “why are you telling me this?” When I pointed that out to her in a later session, she claimed to not remember saying it, which freaked me out even more.

To close the loop, my T shortly thereafter claimed that the recent friction in our relationship was due to the group T entering the process. My group T thinks my T is gaslighting me and using her as a cover for her countertransference issues, but I haven’t shared this opinion back to my T.

So, yeah, there’s a lot more to it.

I actually never thought of it that way — that the promises themselves were problematic. But you’re right, there’s no way she could keep those kinds of promises.

Agreed. My T will say things like, "I have no intention of abandoning you." But he's not making promises. At first it bothered me, but then I realized that an ex-T made a similar promise and, while he didn't technically abandon me, he did something that really hurt me that made me feel I couldn't continue.

Hm, I'm somewhat inclined to think your group T might have a point. It's strange that your regular T didn't want to hear that story. My T, for example, seems open to whatever I want to share with him (I'm usually the one going "I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, but...). It almost seems like your T is jealous of the group T (and possibly of the person who hit on you), but of course I have no idea what's going on in her head...

Kind of sounds like BOTH the T and group T are playing off against each other in this situation -- not sure either is free of responsibility here. The one benefit of having only one T in your situation would be it would eliminate this T drama that seems to have cropped up. Therapy doesn't have to be drama drama. I tend to avoid situations and people who are prone to melodrama and both of these therapists seem to be feeding into that atmosphere.

First, I would not be able to trust anyone, let alone a therapist, who promised never to abandon me. This is not realistic, feasible or true.

She may move, you may move, she may get ill etc.

I believe making such promises ('always' or 'never') are bound to set therapy up for failure. So that in itself would be a no-go for me.

Totally agree. The group T is holding me to my group agreement too — meaning I’ll be charged $75 per week for 6 months whether I show or not. I’m going to fire them both.

My ex therapist promised to never abandoned me quite often because she knew i had severe abandonment issues also. Then, one day after seven years, she abandoned me out of nowhere.

From reading on here, it seems like the ones who come out and say "I'll never abandon you" are the ones who ultimately do. I'm sorry you went through that (and the others on here who did). I feel it's a sign of a T without solid boundaries...

Definite problems with T and quite possibly group T!
I. Too have found it to be a red flag when they say they will never abandon you. Current T says he will never reject me which isn’t a lot different but it gives him wiggle room if he had to terminate by not making it about me... which he wouldn’t do.

I absolutely understand the fears of abandonment from a therapist. I have them too. But I'm not sure that I really see your therapist's statement as a threat of abandonment or as a manipulation technique. What could be happening is that one therapist doesn't agree with or maybe just doesn't understand the direction that the other therapist is taking with you. So she wants to coordinate treatment with that therapist directly.

Even more than a treatment issue though is that this sounds like an interpersonal issue. One person is telling you her opinions about what the other person is saying to you. You are going back to the first person and repeating and possibly interpreting what the second person is saying about the first person. But because of the laws of confidentiality these two people can't discuss these things directly. Instead you are stuck in the middle. In a way they are acting like two divorced parents fighting through the child. This does not seem like a great way to help a person and could do you more harm than good, so I think that your individual therapist could be acting in an ethical manner by refusing to be in this type of dysfunctional relationship.

Ideally since you aren't a child and this is all about you, the three of you should talk about the problem together and come up with appropriate boundaries or rules about the multiple relationships.

Since posting this originally, I’ve discussed this extensively with my T and group T. I think you’re right that I was setting them off against each other a bit. I’ve decided to leave group therapy as a result and will try to repair the damage with my T. Anyway, sometimes it is harder to write a helpful response that includes some challenges, so I appreciate you doing that..