Scared of psychiatrist, unsure how to move forward (the novel)

I'll try to make this as short as possible but it's several years worth of stuff. Also I don't know if this is the right place, I don't use forums. I'm sorry.

Around age 12 I started having pretty severe mental issues. I was very depressed and almost constantly suicidal. It took basically all of middle school and high school to get better but I still found my psychiatrist and counselor to be kind and helpful. I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD.

I moved out and got my first job. I worked for about six months but then I started to be sick more often than not. Vomiting, diarrhea, pain, fatigue, dizziness, extreme sensitivity, just so much. My mental health took an extreme dive from all of this. It actually became worse than I thought was even possible. There was a day that I felt so much pain and pure illness that I really believed I would be dead within 12 hours. It has happened 2 or 3 times since then but after the first time, I started having intrusive thoughts 50+ times a day. Stuff like "I'm in a car... cars used to not exist, but time has passed... more time will pass, and then *I* won't exist!", which disturbed me deeply even though I wanted to not exist by this point. Pretty much everything I did or thought would cause a follow-up thought that would terrorize me. My physical sickness caused my mental sickness, and my mental sickness caused my physical sickness. I worked for about a year and a half and then quit because I missed over a month straight and I was tired of letting people down. (Plus after a month they need to retrain and everything.)

During this I was going to my family doctor about once a month for my physical issues. Over the next year I had bloodwork done 8 times along with fecal and urine samples. The last time I had my bloodwork done I asked my doctor if I could see it and I found out my Vitamin D was less than 1/4 of what it should be. She excitedly told me "We found it!". She said my more serious symptoms are probably IBS, which you can't do much about. I started taking vitamins, and that was the last time I saw her. I had also started to see somebody who I thought was a therapist/counselor but I found out later that she was a nurse.

In this same year I was on the waiting list for a psychiatrist the entire time, and in that time I slept in a forest in a thunderstorm, went in an ambulance twice for overdoses, and went to the emergency room by myself 3 times to try to get help because that is what my family doctor had told me to do "in the meantime".

In my emergency room adventures I had spoken to 3 different psychiatrists. I honestly can't remember much of what they said to me (self-preservation, I believe) but I know the person who was with me for 1 of the times was going to make a formal complaint about it. I remember feeling a shockwave go through my whole body at something (?) that was said and I have never felt anything similar to it in my life. I remember uncontrollably sobbing like never before. I remember one psychiatrist telling me I was too over-emotional (yeah, that's why I'm here), rolling his eyes, and walking out while I was trying to talk to him. I remember my longest wait being 14 hours, and when I finally got to talk to somebody he listened very intently and then gave me the phone number to the service that I was already on the waiting list for (which he knew). Like the one before, he also walked out when I wasn't expecting it at all. They all made me feel so stupid for even going there even though when I first went to triage and said "I don't know what else to do, I don't know if I should be here" they told me "Absolutely".

I finally had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I was so, so happy because he really seemed to care. He adjusted my meds and I left feeling optimistic. After this appointment I got a new family doctor and also stopped seeing my "counselor" nurse. At our last meeting she told me that she didn't think she could help me and I agreed. Basically I would tell her my feelings and she would say "That's hard.". There was one day I saw her when I felt decent and she said she was relieved then admitted to me that the first day I came in she thought "What am I going to do with this girl?".

When I went to my second appointment with my psychiatrist (4 months later), I was 10 minutes late because I live over an hour away, there was a snowstorm, and roads were blocked from construction. I also don't have my own transportation and my driver didn't have a license so I felt very lucky to even get there that day (I didn't mention this).

I apologized for being late and he said "You're very VERY late." but he said he could talk for 10 minutes because he had a free hour. He seemed like a different person in this appointment. He would ask me a question, then after I said about 5 words, would get annoyed and say "That's not what I asked, I asked about x." even though I *was* answering the question he asked me. It felt like we weren't speaking the same language. I told him I didn't really feel different from the medication and then I told him about my doctor and my nurse. He got very angry from this. He said "You don't want to see your doctor, you don't want therapy, you don't want to show up here, so what do you want me to do for you?" I started crying because I really didn't expect that, I thought I had valid reasons for the things I had done. Aside from making a mistake by being late, the things I chose to do were to help me. I didn't know what to say so he wrote me refills and did a "here's the door" motion while I tried to wipe my face. I walked out of there crying.

Today (another 4 months later) we had a short phone call "appointment" because of the virus. I was honestly dreading it and hoped he would just cancel and send refills to my pharmacy, but I knew that wouldn't happen. He asked me how I felt, I said "The same as before.". He asked what I meant, I said "I'm not able to do much of anything.". He said "Because you aren't trying?" I said "No, because I can't." He asked if I'm still going to "therapy", I said "No, that stopped a long time ago.". He said "Because you didn't show up?" (???), I said "No, because she told me she couldn't help me." He explained that I need to go to therapy and medication won't magically cure me. I didn't say anything because it seemed completely pointless, but my thoughts are:

I don't expect to be magically cured, I expect to be able to brush my teeth more than once a week, or maybe brush my hair before it gets matted, or have the energy to eat food or drink water every day, or maybe even be capable of taking my medication when it's farther away than right beside my pillow. Am I entitled for thinking this? I would love to get therapy from a therapist who believes that I have a chance. But I feel like after experimenting with medication for years it should be a hell of a lot easier for me to even get to therapy in the first place. To be in this low of a state, drag yourself out of bed, get dressed and try to look normal, arrange and pay for transportation, travel for hours, just to be told "I don't think I can help you." is beyond devastating. I really just want to be a little better before trying again so that it isn't so crushing. I just want to be able to do the bare minimum things to take care of myself and I don't see how therapy would help me with this even if it was the best therapy that exists.

He sent more refills to my pharmacy and hung up after saying "Stay safe.", didn't even let me say bye. Maybe it isn't an appropriate response but this really ruined my day and I spent hours crying afterwards. It just has made me think about the years I've spent to get to this point. I am genuinely scared to see or talk to him again even if it is another 4 months away.

I've tried to be better. I really have. But everything is starting to make me think that this is just the person I am. If so many professionals treat me like this then it must be my issue. I'm the common factor. I've never done anything particularly bad but I feel like a bad person because I can't be happy. I bring enough negativity to the world that I feel like I'm on par with a murderer.

I know I am very young but I always think about how when you consider a human lifespan, mine is already over 1/4 of the way done. I've spent 1/4 of my life trying to get a chance of living and there's no guarantee it will happen. I don't want to do this 3 more times for nothing but more trauma weighing down on me. I'm really so fed up at this point.

Even if I was magically cured tomorrow, I have lost so much. I don't even have 2 years of fast food experience. I don't have an education beyond my GED. I don't have a single friend because I feel like I can't be available enough to be one. On top of this I'm also still physically sick. It is not as bad as it used to be but even if I was mentally okay I know I am so far away from being able to work again.

I'm not even sure what I want from this post, but I guess:

Are my interactions with my psychiatrist normal? Should I stick with him or see if I can switch to somebody else? Should I try therapy from a nurse again? Will that actually help me when I'm in this state? Is there something they can tell me that will make standing up easier? Am I right in thinking I need a little more help from medication before anything else? (I think like this because it helped so much when I was younger. Counseling helped a lot but only after I was in a state to be counseled.) Should I just give up and sleep for the rest of my life?

There's a 99% chance I messed something up or forgot something or this just doesn't make sense so if anybody actually reads this I'm really sorry.

Welcome to PC!
Sadly I think the interactions with your psychiatrist are the norm even if it isn’t helpful or OK. It is very hard to find a psychiatrist with a good personality. I finally found one and wouldn’t ever work with anyone else again. Even my psychiatrist believes most psychiatrists are jerks. My psychiatrist (Pdoc) will only work with me if I am seeing a therapist. 1. She doesn’t think meds alone will help 2. She counts on my therapist to keep an eye on how I am doing as Pdoc only sees me for 15min every three months and T sees me for an hour each week. It was really hard for me to find a T that had the skills to work with me. Keep trying, I am sorry that they cannot see what you ARE able to do and how much you are trying despite the challenges.

Unfortunately time with psychiatrists are usually short and you have to get right to the point and they dash off the scripts as they guide you to the door. At least that is how it is with most psychiatrists that I have seen except when I was inpatient and now that I have a psychiatrist that I pay out of pocket, $200 per appointment cash, I get more time. But generally it's hard to get to know and trust your psychiatrist because there just isn't time. Before my psychiatrist went to private practice, he had over 1,000 patients. He said there was no way he could keep up with that many and that is why he went cash only. He was working from 7 AM to 9 PM seeing patients back to back to back. And if there was an emergency, it would back up the patients even longer. It was nothing to have to wait for him for three hours just to get into see him for your appointment that day. I'd try to find a different therapist. It's hard work and it takes a lot of time and effort and I know that is a lot of work when you aren't functioning very well. Can you ask for referrals from your GP? I don't know about Canadian insurance but here I can call the back of my insurance card and they will help to find me a therapist. I'm sorry you are struggling so much. It doesn't seem like you are on the right medications perhaps. Or maybe the diagnosis isn't right. I don't know, I'm not an MD. But like you I struggled and struggled for years with the wrong medications at the wrong doses and then just recently was I diagnosed with what I think is actually my real diagnosis Schizoaffective disorder depressive type. Now I am finally on medications that seem to work and therapy that seems to help. There may also be support groups or something like that you could look into. Here in the US we have a group called NAMI and they have support groups all over the states. I don't know if they have something like that in Canada. I hope you feel better soon. HUGS Kit

I've had nice and crappy Pdocs. When I'm not in therapy they tend to think I'm not trying. I would suggest getting a therapist even just to advocate for you. Be up front you need help learning how to identify clearly what is going on and convey it to your pdoc. You have 10 min with pdoc. Even my pdoc treats me and my son completely differently. So you have to find one YOU can talk to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by meganleighmcalister Are my interactions with my psychiatrist normal?

Your experience is not unique. It seems to be common here in Canada. I had a similar experience about 20 years ago in the hospital.

Why? Someone mentioned an enormous caseload. Psychiatrists can get overwhelmed and take it out on patients, which is not excusable. Also most psychiatrists are idiots and shouldn't be in the profession (Apparently, many go into the profession, because they were not able to get into their dream specialty). Some don't deal with suicidal patients very well and will express their frustration towards a suicidal patient which is very wrong.

Seeing a psychiatrist in the emergency department is usually very disappointing for most people. I tried that and found it very unhelpful.

I heard stories of people being challenged about feeling suicidal. One psychiatrist told a lady to go home and do it.

Can you ask your present psychiatrist to refer you to someone who does therapy or ask your GP like someone else recommended? You definitely don't need to return to the nurse practitioner you saw previously.