Miss my 1st therapist

I've only had 2 therapists. The second one I found a little while after moving to a new area a few hours away from where I use to live and my first therapist. My second therapist "broke up with me" after I ended up not going into an eating disorder treatment program I had signed up for and then back out of over immense fear. I should have gone to it. Anyways. I don't trust. At all. So after finding the second therapist after all the time I put in looking and feeling comfortable enough to talk to her and then have her drop me after 2 years and her saying she would never abandon me....it immensely f*cking hurt. I know I need more help than 1 therapist can give, but to just drop me so suddenly truly shook my core. So I left my therapy journey at that.

Lately I've been thinking about reaching out to my first therapist. My first therapist and I didn't end on bad terms or any terms, really. She knew I was moving. She wished me well and we had a few sporadic sessions right before my move and after, but then life happened. Even when going to the second therapist I still feel like I could trust my first therapist more so than the second or even anyone else in my life. That's saying a lot since I don't trust anyone fully at all, unless you have 4 legs and fur. I haven't reached out to her. Not yet. I have an email I have saved in my drafts. I also still have her phone number, but I don't know which is better. I'm super scared to reach out. Like after all this time she won't want to talk to me or be my therapist again after knowing how stuck I still am. I have made strides in my life since then, but I'm still not where I want to be at all. I feel like a failure that doesn't deserve her help. My own shame holds me back.

I'm a hot mess.

Dear Ssigros,

I am so very, very sorry these things happened to you. How distressing. I think your thoughts and feelings are completely understandable given what happened and I have experience somewhat similar things with therapists. You are NOT a failure. You deserve the help you need regardless of circumstances. I wish you only the best. Sorry I could not be helpful to you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

It is scary to reach out. More so when we feel we don't deserve help. Take a risk though - seeing you were satisfied with her before.

Tell her your circumstances have changed and you would be interested in seeing her.

How awful to get dropped suddenly like that! It’s concerning that the second therapist promised she would never abandon you...no therapist can promise that. Life happens, people change jobs, move, retire, become ill. That must really hurt.

You are right, it can be risky reaching out. It might help if you had a fairly clear idea what you want from your first therapist:
What would you like to say to your first therapist? Do you want to start therapy with her again? Would you like a therapy referral from her? Do you just want to catch up ...and get her views on your current situation?

I feel it would be fine to reach out to your first therapist. I can’t be certain how she will respond. You might want to prepare yourself in case she doesn’t answer the way you might expect...but it wouldn’t be wrong to ask for what you want or need. She will probably be fine with it.

And about trust...I don’t blame you for being cautious. Trust comes from trust-building experiences. You are taking better care of yourself, I feel, by not giving your trust away.
Let us know how it goes if you like.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt in depth reply. Yeah, my second T wasn't really equipped for my needs. She doesn't have eating disorder/trauma therapy treatment under her belt. When she broke up with me she told me she called herself "therapy light", like "Crystal Light". I was not amused. I will say I knew this to an extent at the beginning of therapy with her, but she assured me that as a therapist she could and would help me. I felt comfortable with her and since it's not easy finding someone I feel mostly comfortable around I felt okay to continue with her. Also. When someone knows you have abandonment issues and they tell you they wouldn't do that to you, you eat that up, even when you have trust issues because they haven't given you any reason not to believe them.

I wish I had a clear vision/reasoning to give to my first T. That would help in reaching out and being able to explain to T better. I'm emotionally unstable though. I still deal with my eating disorder, bulimia, on the daily. PTSD. All these things first T knows about. Nothing super new other than those still really affect me. You are so right in me needing to prepare myself for however she answers. I wish I could say that I wouldn't take her referring me to another T as rejection, but I know me to that extent. AND I would take that as more rejection. I'm also nervous of reaching because doing so means I will have to talk about seeing second T and that whole situation. That really frightens me. I do think my first T would still see me again though. My therapy with first T didn't really have a definitive ending. It just stopped.

Yes, you hit the nail on the head! Trust is built for me. That's one of the few things first T and I truly differ on. She told me during a session about trust that she believes "trust is a choice". That blew my mind because I cannot wrap my brain around that concept, STILL. Thank you for believing I care more about myself through being careful with my trust. That is such a thoughtful compliment and unique pov. I appreciate your outlook and thoughtful words! 💕

Your post and words are helpful though. Thank you for replying and caring! I'm sorry you have been in the same boat with a T before. It's not fun being rejected by the one person that you chose to see to help you with such things. Again thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply. Wishing you well!

Good luck with the first therapist. I hope she can help.

No therapist should ever promise not to abandon a client. There are no guarantees. What if the therapist moves or retires? A therapist promising me something like that would be a red flag.

Your encouragement is so helpful and needed! Thank you for understanding my emotions and thoughts from my post. I think I'm going to go ahead and reach out to my first T. I'll probably be holding my breath when I send T the email 😊. Again, thank you for the helpful nudge.

Thank you for sharing. I'm wishing you well