Couch 217: The Order of the Phoenix couch

It's okay to be where you are where you are right now and perfectly normal to want a friendship/ feel jealous of our T's. It isn't a character flaw- but I can understand how talking about it can be hard.

I hope you can read the email when you're ready to.

I’m so scared that I’m going to mess up this new thing with J (the guy I’ve been seeing for the last few weeks). I’m afraid that I’m so starved for affection that I’ll take whatever he has to offer in too-big gulps and he’ll see how needy I am and run for the hills. I’m afraid that because I’m so effed up and ugly and haven’t had a ton of serious relationships that I’ll either screw up a good thing or fail to notice the red flags of a bad thing.

This relationship feels so nice—I have moments of delirious happiness. But what if it’s not right? What if it is right but I eff it up?

I’m scared and I hate myself.

I talked about being in a friendship triangle with creepy guy and another girl who is also my friend. They're not dating but act like they are sometimes.

Cause I stayed and he lives on the same floor as me we've been seeing each other a lot most days. We go food shopping/ have started studying again together. We agreed that we'd go out travelling on saturday at first he agreed saying not to tell Y. Now he's saying he can only go if Y gives him permission and he would have to ask her first. I don't like going anywhere on my own.



I also messaged my old best friend and we we're meeting up on monday.

Like with anything I think you have to take baby steps. It's okay to be scared.

I would advise any woman/man to look up 50 common red flags in a relationship just to be aware of what is and isn't okay. I had no idea of what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like.

50 Red Flags You Should Watch for in Your Relationship

Go slow with J. The only thing I think that fills up the neediness is truly loving yourself first- which I know is harder than saying it. I liked Kamal ravikant's book "love yourself like your life depends on it" or something like that.

Hugs, NP. I've also had the experience before of seeing that my T replied but being afraid to read it. I think what you're feeling is completely normal and natural, and I hope your T understands it as you meant it and doesn't read more into it (like a romantic thing). I agree that the restrictions of T relationships can be really painful. I hope he responds well.

I've also been afraid of reading responses from R in the past. You deserve support, NP...and I hope P responds well.

I knew my wife was the right one when I realized that I felt comfortable being myself with her. You are smart and funny and caring, and he is clearly already responding to that. When bits of your history or your mental health stuff come up, see how he responds. Is he kind? Curious? Does he slowly reveal bits of his own "stuff"? (because everybody arrives at adulthood with at least some baggage!)

It's scary because you don't know what is going to happen, and this phase of the relationship is about figuring out whether you are a good fit for each other. If he wants somebody who doesn't have any struggles or a past, then he's probably not the guy for you anyway.

Maybe the scariest thing of all, though: what if he's nice?! and also into you?! I'm still trying to adjust to the weirdness of being loved deeply yet without criticism, and it's been almost a decade.

Thank you, EM

Last night he gently asked about therapy, if perhaps it was to address a particular struggle. I said I have a depression, and it ebbs and flows and sometimes gives me a very hard time. He said he didn’t have any personal experience with depression specifically but he held me tighter and said that if there was ever anything he could do to help he wanted to know about it.

I think I would be less scared if his baggage looked more like mine. But his questions were gently curious and his response was kind, so I suppose that’s a good thing.

I think the worst part of this whole we-can't-be-friends thing is that it makes me feel like a nobody and so insignificant, probably because I assume he wouldn't even want to be my friend.

At the end of my email to him I said I hope I'm not feeling too embarrassed to show up tomorrow. In his response he said "You better show up tomorrow!" and that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. I still feel kind of pathetic though. Session in two hours.

He sounds like a good dude. My wife's "stuff" is not similar to mine at all (except for some of the things about how much it sucks to be gay in a homophobic culture), and I think that's mostly a good thing. She wants to know what it's like to be me as a person with depression, and she doesn't make a ton of assumptions based on her own experience. Somewhat similarly, she has severe ADHD, and I find ways to help keep her organized or reduce her burden (like managing certain household things that are difficult for her). You can both learn to adapt to each other if the relationship seems worth it.

As for red flags, it helps to talk to friends and listen if they point out that something is off. If everybody is telling you the same thing about this guy, that's worth considering very carefully. My wife and I (because we are adorable nerds) read a book aloud to other about healthy relationships when we first got together, and that sparked interesting conversations. I don't know if normal people do that kind of thing, but it helped us figure each other out.

I used to seek out relationships with guys who also had some sort of issues, like mental health, etc. I had this belief that if they have issues, too, then they'd be more likely to accept mine. That if they didn't, they couldn't understand. However, that never worked out too well for me. For example, the relationship I was in for a couple years in college, we both struggled with depression (in retrospect, I suspect he was bipolar, as he had what seemed like manic periods as well). Yet he acted like I was the issue and insisted, after a year, that I needed therapy (well, I did!) but denied he also needed it We dated again briefly in my mid-20s, and he had an addiction to pain pills. At the time, I smoked socially. He was very critical of my smoking, but I said that at least it was legal. He also kept lying about his pain pill use. I broke up with him after a couple months.

And another guy, a friend that I had brief romantic connections with periodically between high school and my early 20s. He also suffered from depression, and it felt like we had this intense connection, but then he hurt me multiple times. I also feel in some ways that we brought out the darker sides of each other, which isn't necessarily a good thing. And a few other guys who had some sort of mental health issues (I did a lot of dating!) I remember one guy I dated for a few months where I thought, "He seems like a well-adjusted, generally happy guy," then he mentioned how he was on Prozac, and it was like, "Oh, FFS."

With my H, yes we have some problems. But part of what made me realize we should get married 12 years ago is how multiple people said we just seemed "natural" together. It was weird that they all used the same word, and hadn't said that about any exes. (I think we've both changed quite a bit since then.)


Also, I'm someone who tends to worry at the start of relationships. As soon as I start having "love" sort of feelings for someone, there's this feeling of "Oh no, how am I going to mess this up?" Doesn't help that once I did tell a guy (when I was like 18) that I loved him after 4 months, and he was like, "Aw, that's sweet." We split up shortly after (and also got back together briefly a few years later). And another time, I told a guy on our fourth date that I really liked him, and he said "That's very brave to say," then I never heard from him again. (I've been told I should write a book on some of my dating exploits, though think I'll stick to a therapy one for now!)

Anyway, just try to trust your instincts. If you're enjoying yourself, just try to go with it. He sounds like a nice, caring guy so far. I wouldn't consider his lack of mental health issues to be an issue.

I wish I had someone to just hold me and unconditionally love me right now. trigger for Christianity but I meant a flesh and blood person. I seem to be craving that right now.

I am on furlough at work two days a week right now, well next week I'm going to be on furlough one day and two half days. I'm not looking forward to this as it means a 40% reduction in pay. I have some savings built up so I'd be okay for about 18 weeks I think if I didn't spend money on stuff I didn't need. I'm hoping it doesn't go beyond 18 weeks (or even for 18 weeks as that is quite a long time...). My parents said they would probably be able to help me out some if I needed it. Like maybe they could pay for Esther's insulin and stuff like that right now. That would be helpful. But I'm just disappointed that the virus keeps causing this to happen at my work. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. I'm going to be making less than $500 a week (take home). Reminds me of when I worked in retail. I could try to get a second job but my parents don't really want me to because of my mental health. I'm totally over COVID. I wish it would go away now so life could get back to normal and my work could get back to normal.

Sometimes it's good to not share all experiences. He might not know about depression, but about some things that you don't know about. And then there's some shared stuff.

I feel really off today. Like I feel impulsive and I just want to do something risky. It’s both negative and positive impulses, but all of them would be bad for me in the end. Sometimes I get like this for days at a time and I just can’t focus on anything and I’m so restless because I’m just trying to control myself from doing something that I’ll regret later when I’m back to normal. Does anyone else ever get like this? I always get scared I’ll act on one of the impulses eventually because the feeling gets so strong.

Sounds like mania maybe?

I've spent the last three nights with J and all I want to do is spend more time with him. I feel crazy, unmoored. What is wrong with me???

I’m not sure, I’ve never been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I have so many things that you’d think if I had it someone would have labeled me with it by now. But what I’m experiencing does seem to align with symptoms of at least hypomania. I feel like my T would look at me like I’m crazy if I suggested that though. Pretty sure he’s convinced I just have ptsd and a high sex drive

You've got sim-card-shopping hormones coursing through you right now. Falling for somebody is like losing control a little bit, which could make you feel unmoored. I don't think there's anything wrong with you, but you could slow it down a little bit if it's making you feel too much. I'm so happy you found someone you like!

Thanks, NP

How is the hunt for a new T going, SummerTime? I know that can be a miserable experience.

I actually had one (virtual) session with a new t last week and I liked her, so I’m seeing her again on Monday. But I’m still seeing my regular t too and don’t know what I’m gonna do. Thanks for asking!

I don’t like where this is going: Teletherapy, Popular in the Pandemic, May Outlast It - The New York Times

Info already told me she’s not only out of the office indefinitely, but when she comes back it will be to a new office in a suite with one other therapist (closer to her house, further from me).

I agree @@ I'm not liking this teletherapy trend.

Dr. T has said he doesn't see returning to in-person anytime soon, but also doesn't like doing teletherapy. So I'm hoping he'll eventually go back to in person (he said he would when I asked a month or two ago).