[nottrustin]

In my appointment yesterday T and I were discussing my biological father who abandoned us when I was a young teen. This has caused me to always believe I am not good enough and have abandonment issues. Yesterday I again questioned why I was not good enough and since he is deceased never having the chance to be.

T replied that if anything my dad wasn't good enough. I am an amazing and beautiful person. That he was the one with all the problems and he was the person that missed out by choosing to not have me in my life. Also, that there is nothing a child can do to cause a parent to alienate them All children deserve the love of parents. The fact he couldn't recognize that I deserved him in my life just proves he had issues that we will never know about.

Part of me feels some comfort in that but at the same time part of me wants to push her away. What if she really figures out the real me and also leaves.

So has anybody ever experienced something like this and how did it play out?

[Omers]

Yes, my T says similar things often. He waited until we had a really strong relationship before trying it and it was less direct at first. At this point in our work I have come to trust him enough to believe him most of the time when he says things like that. I usually find it comforting and slowly healing. I have also learned that if I need to hear something from him I can ask him for it. I ask in general terms so that it is his wording. He has told me once that he couldn’t say what I wanted to hear but offered to tell me what he did feel OK saying... it worked out really well. But it takes time and lots of trust.

[MissUdy]

Yes I have experienced this. The overall message I get from my T is that as a child, how people treat you can’t be your fault. The adults that failed us failed themselves by not dealing with their issues and passing them on to us in various ways.

We all have the capacity to be a horrible ugly person, or an amazing beautiful person. I believe it’s our choice which to be at any time. You are good enough and you didn’t deserve to be abandoned. I don’t feel like your therapist would abandon you even if she saw the darkest parts of you, my T has been great with it.

[Merope]

Yes, whenever we have a breakthrough and I get more honest with him, I'm terrified he will see the real me and decide he no longer wants me as his client. I'm not over it yet, but discussing these feelings every time they poke their ugly head out helps a ton. I'm able to hold on to the reassurance for longer now.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by MissUdy

Yes I have experienced this. The overall message I get from my T is that as a child, how people treat you can’t be your fault. The adults that failed us failed themselves by not dealing with their issues and passing them on to us in various ways.

We all have the capacity to be a horrible ugly person, or an amazing beautiful person. I believe it’s our choice which to be at any time. You are good enough and you didn’t deserve to be abandoned. I don’t feel like your therapist would abandon you even if she saw the darkest parts of you, my T has been great with it.

Originally Posted by Omers

Yes, my T says similar things often. He waited until we had a really strong relationship before trying it and it was less direct at first. At this point in our work I have come to trust him enough to believe him most of the time when he says things like that. I usually find it comforting and slowly healing. I have also learned that if I need to hear something from him I can ask him for it. I ask in general terms so that it is his wording. He has told me once that he couldn’t say what I wanted to hear but offered to tell me what he did feel OK saying... it worked out really well. But it takes time and lots of trust.

I think that be part if the issue is not being able to trust people when they compliment or reassure me. I trust her in so many ways. However, since my own father said one thing and did another, taking people at their word is really hard. If I couldnt trust one of the two people a child should be able to trust why would I trust somebody who isnt required to care and be honest.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by MissUdy

Yes I have experienced this. The overall message I get from my T is that as a child, how people treat you can’t be your fault. The adults that failed us failed themselves by not dealing with their issues and passing them on to us in various ways.

We all have the capacity to be a horrible ugly person, or an amazing beautiful person. I believe it’s our choice which to be at any time. You are good enough and you didn’t deserve to be abandoned. I don’t feel like your therapist would abandon you even if she saw the darkest parts of you, my T has been great with it.

Thank you. You are right I made the choice to be better and the best me possible.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Merope

Yes, whenever we have a breakthrough and I get more honest with him, I'm terrified he will see the real me and decide he no longer wants me as his client. I'm not over it yet, but discussing these feelings every time they poke their ugly head out helps a ton. I'm able to hold on to the reassurance for longer now.

I have mentioned the fear of her leaving or something happening where we could no longer leave especially after my 1st T's death. Her response is she can't predict the future but she had no intentions of going anywhere. She knows how hard I am working and sees progress. She wouldn't just stop seeing me.

[Omers]

Trusting compliments is really hard. T is very careful and somewhat indirect in his wording so I don’t tune him out or trigger. But, for me, it is a million times better than when T pushes me to come up and voice a positive trait I see in myself. So... learning to tolerate and start to accept T’s compliments is a bit of an unspoken compromise.

[MissUdy]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I think that be part if the issue is not being able to trust people when they compliment or reassure me. I trust her in so many ways. However, since my own father said one thing and did another, taking people at their word is really hard. If I couldnt trust one of the two people a child should be able to trust why would I trust somebody who isnt required to care and be honest.

I have a really hard time trusting anyone too, even myself. A recent personal discovery is that unless I take a risk and trust a person, I will never be really real or known. I know it means I could get heartbroken again and again, but I’ve been so lonely not trusting anyone at all.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by MissUdy

I have a really hard time trusting anyone too, even myself. A recent personal discovery is that unless I take a risk and trust a person, I will never be really real or known. I know it means I could get heartbroken again and again, but I’ve been so lonely not trusting anyone at all.

I have a few people I can trust in my life. My amazing husband and bestfriend. However, it took many years and lots of reassurance. There are times when I am triggered tha I fight those thoughts. I feel horrible asking T for reassurance because even then how do I trust what is said.

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I have mentioned the fear of her leaving or something happening where we could no longer leave especially after my 1st T's death. Her response is she can't predict the future but she had no intentions of going anywhere. She knows how hard I am working and sees progress. She wouldn't just stop seeing me.

My T speaks similarly. I recently had a disagreement with my Pdoc over something he said about T that I KNEW to be untrue. I discussed my feelings with T in some emails, and then I called Pdoc and told him that I was angry for what he said, and that he was incorrect to say what he said. He acknowledged his mistake and apologized. I accepted.