[JeannaF]

Do you think it's EVER possible to have a genuine caring relationship with a therapist, or can it by default only ever be transference or artificial, at least from their side?

I mean, do you think there can be circumstances where a genuine relationship emerges, or not? I'm not talking about romantic relationships or whether it's ethical or not, just whether you think it's theoretically possible in certain circumstances or not, ever, due to the nature and power dynamics of the relationship.

[LostOnTheTrail]

I believe that genuine caring is a prerequisite for the job of being a therapist. When mutual respect and caring are absent, it makes for a very painful experience.
Over the course of a long-term therapeutic relationship, I believe it's natural that some form of caring would emerge between therapist and client.
I would be hesitant to use the term 'transference', as that seems to have negative connotations, from what I have read here.

Therapists are professionals, who generally want the best for their clients.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Absolutely, yes.

I have had exactly that with three of the four main therapists I've seen. Current T is caring, genuine, compassionate and I trust her completely.

[Merope]

I think it’s possible. Transference plays a part in all human relationships, not just therapy. Just because the therapy relationship is more boundaried, doesn’t in my opinion mean that it can’t be “caring” and “genuine”. I think that when you become vulnerable with someone, you build trust and respect and care.

My T discloses a fair bit about himself, so I do feel like I know him and am very grateful he’s not a blank slate. Sure, there are power dynamics between us, but then again there are power dynamics in other human relationships too, like between parents and children.

I know for a fact that T cares about me because he implied it and he also showed me that he trusts me as a person. I wouldn’t really think of our relationship as “artificial”, though I do sometimes get insecure and second guess everything.

Are you asking is it ever possible for one person to care about another? If that is possible then perhaps that means that it is certainly possible for a T to care about their client? I think that when one person is open and vulnerable, and shares pain, some process happens where this brings out care from the other (but not always).

[stopdog]

I think it is possible but I don't think it is probable. Therapists are lazy actors playing a part- people who sit there and get handed money for doing nothing.

[Mountaindewed]

Sometimes I feel like she legit cares. Like when she says in a serious concerning tone how worried she is about me and then asks in another concerned tone if I’ll send emails all week. But then other times I’m not sure how much she really cares. Like how she’s been ignoring the emails I’ve been sending the past few days including one where I’ve said I’ve been having a hard time, and one about scheduling.

[feralkittymom]

I think there can be a kind of caring that is both necessary and appropriate during the therapy relationship, especially if the therapy is long-term. But what I hear you asking about is more a "beyond" the sphere of feelings that come with the job, if done well. Yes, I think it's possible (and I've had that with former T), but like stopdog, I think it isn't probable. But I also think that's a good thing as I don't think it's an inherent benefit for most clients or therapists.

[Salmon77]

Yes. I've been working with my T for years and I know that he cares about me.

All kinds of professionals have genuine caring relationships with their clients, I don't see why therapists would be any different.

[nottrustin]

I know both my Ts have been very genuine and caring toward their clients. The art both kind, caring, and compassionate. I could not ever imagine working with somebody who isnt. That is one of the main reasons I have only seen Ts who somebody I trust knew and recommended.

When I attended Ts funeral service (clients were also invited to attend if they wanted to) the family and especially her live in partner talked about her passion for her job and her clients. Some clients got up and spoke about the care they received (I chose not to get up). Her partner had seen me at her house a couple of times (a dual relationalship) and only knew me as a "friend". Only after her passing hr found out I was actually a client. He talked about how highly she talked about me and how much she cared. Again he knew this because he saw me at her house a couple of times and once in public when we ran into each other.

Current T, has told me things like she never received a flu shot until a few years ago. The company she worked for requires either a short or her to wear a mask all through flu season. Seeing that a lot of her clients at the time were immigrants from countries where "masked" people abused them and killed large parts of their family, she figured her wearing a mask might trigger those horrible memories. She wanted her clients to feel comfortable and safe with her. So she decided getting a yearly flu shot was the least she could do to help.....maybe that is why she wants to wait until masks are not longer needed right now.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Certainly.

[Rive.]

Anything's possible, I think.

However, I also believe it's as rare as winning the lottery i.e. not many people get to experience that.

This depends on the character of the client as much as the therapist. I am not sure I recognise a genuine, caring relationship with anyone, therapist or otherwise.

[Taylor27]

Yes, my t is very caring and genuine. My previous relationships with therapist have not been this way since I got abandon by a pastor t 9.5 yr's ago. I know every time I see my t she is happy to see me and I can tell she really wants to help me as much as she can.

[Omers]

I know, without a doubt, that my T genuinely cares about me a lot. I don’t think he is faking, insincere or making it up. He shows it in many ways but the one time that made me 100% sure it was real was when I was late for an appointment. It wasn’t my usual time slot and I wrote down 2pm rather than 1pm. Thankfully I had left early and was already in the area near his office... anyway I am always at least 5 min early. At 1:10 I look at my phone to check the time (I always have my phone on silent... ) I had a text, an email and two missed calls from him! I called him pack and he answered on the first ring. He was clearly worried something had happened.

I also worked with one T for about 4 years. As a T she and I were not a good match but we went to the same church... so she referred me to another T and we became friends. Not super close, but friends. She ended up kinda being a second mom to me (I am about 10 years younger than her daughters). I got to know her husband pretty well and met one of her daughters a few times. Only her H knew I had been a client. We never talked about work outside her office though. The only exception was after she retired she was shredding client files and asked if I wanted mine. I accepted and after reading it we did take a walk down memory lane over tea (It had been 10 or 15 years since she had been my T).

[JeannaF]

Thanks for all your replies. Lots of food for thought.

[here today]

It never was possible for me. Perhaps, like comrademoomoo said, it depends on the character of the client as well as the therapist and I lacked a "receptor" for it. Problem is, though, therapy did not help with that, even after more than 50 years of trying on and off and probably over 2 dozen therapists. And nobody ever said -- sorry, you've got a bad character and we can't help you with that.

Well, yep, I kind of felt I had a bad character, managed it as well as I could, definitely wanted to change and do and be better. But, nope, I just got worse, digging around in all that unresolved trauma, "expressing" myself and not really understanding the effect it might have on others. The last therapist, a trauma specialist, ascribed to the "reparative relationship" model that was popular when I started with her 11 years ago. It didn't work. I saw her for 6 years until she terminated me saying she didn't "have the emotional resources" to continue.

Well, maybe she "cared" but, as it turned out, that didn't do any good for me.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think it is possible but I don't think it is probable. Therapists are lazy actors playing a part- people who sit there and get handed money for doing nothing.

Perhaps that is true of many, even most, therapists. But your statement is too broad. My husband is a Vietnam vet and I have seem so many men helped by Veteran's Admin therapists - also their families helped. The therapy is given at no charge. There are situations in which a specific demographic is very much helped by psychotherapy.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Perhaps that is true of many, even most, therapists. But your statement is too broad. My husband is a Vietnam vet and I have seem so many men helped by Veteran's Admin therapists - also their families helped. The therapy is given at no charge. There are situations in which a specific demographic is very much helped by psychotherapy.

Someone is paying the therapist to sit there. If someone else finds therapy useful - it is okay with me. I believe what I said. Others believe differently.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Someone is paying the therapist to sit there. If someone else finds therapy useful - it is okay with me. I believe what I said. Others believe differently.

Many people fo not pay a therapist to just sit there. Jexk right now my therapist is offering me quite a bit of support outside of sessions which she will not charge me for.

[stopdog]

Again - I am not trying to convince anyone of my beliefs and experiences with those people both as a client and as an attorney who represents people they have harmed. Agree or disagree with me - either way is fine.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Again - I am not trying to convince anyone of my beliefs and experiences with those people both as a client and as an attorney who represents people they have harmed. Agree or disagree with me - either way is fine.

Actually, I'm not exactly disagreeing with you. I can't, because I don't know all therapists who exist, and I sometimes question the sincerity of therapists, in general. I'm suggesting that not every therapist is a paid monkey, though. Peer therapists, for example (substance use, war vets, etc.), do have my respect. In general, I would trust a peer over any other therapist.

I am not a therapist and never have been. I was a social worker some years ago, though; some similarities there. I worked with homeless teens. Yes, I was paid, but I did the work because I genuinely loved it. And I cared about those kids - with all my heart and soul. I still think about some of them (actually, many of them) today and wonder where they are, how their lives are going. Even some whose names I cannot recall, I would know their faces in a heartbeat.

[susannahsays]

I guess anything is possible but the fact remains that the majority will disappear from your life without payment never to be heard from again. That doesn't seem like the sort of relationship you're alluding to.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

To add a bit of balance....my former T saw me for free for three years as she volunteered her time for an agency. No one paid her to be there, it was purely her motivation to contribute to a cause that she valued. She saw three clients, including me, once a week, and had no payment.

My very first T wrote off several months of fees that I was struggling to pay. She told me to 'pay me back when you can, which might take years.' It's now two decades on and she has never asked for the money even though we are in contact.

There are some wonderful therapists out there who only see money as a bare necessity for living, not the only reason for seeing clients.

[LostOnTheTrail]

I had a similar experience with my now long term counsellor. She initially supported me through a charitable organisation, and when funding was cut, I was able to become a private client. I know beyond a doubt that she cares about me. A couple of weeks ago, we were due to have a break, and just before I had a really hard session. She offered me an appointment on a different day, so that I wouldn't be without support.