Couch 218: Northern Minnesota 2050

And he couldnt tell you before you took leave from work? Like let you keep working as you found another t? Like admit that maybe you sensed he was abandoning you? Like maybe thats why you felt abandoned? What a shyte. Well, maybe if he comes over and helps you clean out your garage. But i think youre better than the men you associate with. Thats my recent discovery about myself (and certain assorted family members).

He said there was no good time to tell me, that he'd been losing sleep over telling me, because I asked him why today after I'd had a ****** weekend. I guess we have 5 months to figure this out. He said he'd meet with me every day as his schedule allows and if I wanted. He's not a shyte. I feel very fondly towards him and I'm devastated that he's chosen to do this. I will probably feel angry about this at some point, but not right now. He's also working towards finding a new therapist for me to work with.

I appreciate your anger towards him, but I want to remember him fondly.

I get it, i know he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. The thing about how observing an electron changes it, so how can one ever know.

I'm so sorry, NP...ugh...and I understand your wanting to remember him fondly. It's good he's giving you 5 months to work through this. I hope he can find you a T who's willing to meet with you multiple times a week--it seems some are weird about that. I'm lucky that mine is willing. I hope you'll also have time to transition to that T while still seeing yours.

Is this why he was pushing you to take the break from work and focus on improving your life situation? Because he knew you were running out of time with him?

No. 3 really pushed an issue on me because she knew we were running out of time, although at least we both knew we had limited time together.

Anyway, that sucks and I'm really sorry.

I was wondering that. I'll probalby ask him.

The feelings train has arrived at the station. I feel utterly awful.

My tics didn't disappear completely. They come back at random times. But now it's a couple of times a day instead of 3 or 4 times an hour like it was initially, so I'm thankful. It usually happens when I'm resting in bed, getting ready for sleep. I'm having one right now. Maybe tremor is a better word than tic; they last for 3 minutes or more at a time. Anyway, I was able to send a video to my friend and she assures me it won't be distracting to my students, if it even happens in front of them, so I feel better about that.

I am doing a workbook about the connection between feelings and eating behaviors. I just did the chapter on loneliness and boy was it depressing! Of course I'm lonely, but I also like being alone and it's a fine line to draw and there's a pandemic going on so I can't do much about it at the moment anyway. Gah. At least it didn't make me want to eat my feelings away, but I'm not sure I gained any new insights.

I asked him. He said no. He thought this was something I needed anyway.

He told me that he's started writing a journal and he wants me to start one too. I assume this is something we would exchange with each other at the end. The end. That's so hard to say. That's hard to imagine. My heart is breaking.

Oh gosh, NP. I am just catching up with this now (time zones) and I am so sorry.
Seems like this was the last thing you needed. Sending hugs, if wanted.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I am making sous vide infused vodka although I don't really have plans for it because I don't much like vodka. I just wanted to make it. I have also started using largish tea balls for whole spices in cooking indian food etc. It is great and the idea came from an indian food forum I read.

I thought they needed to sputter in fat in order to exude all their wonderfulness.

Kinda like i do.

Hi Couchies, I had a good session with T on Saturday. She seems to think that my mom was abusive when I was growing up and my Dad neglectful. Sigh. I don't know. I think they did the best they could. T asked, then why are you so self destructive? Crapola. I don't know. She says I have these layers of hurt and anger in me one on top of the other. Funny, I don't feel anything. Nice to see her though. And she wore the flowers in her hair.

I do that for powdered spices and if the whole spices need it, one could put them in the oil and then put them in the tea balls. It works great for things like whole cardamom pods which are quite unpleasant to bite into whole when eating something like biryani. The forum is mostly people from India so I assume if they say it works - I can follow their lead and so far it has been quite tasty. I am spending a great deal of time at our international markets trying recipes they post.

People can be abusive while still doing the best they can. If they are ill-equipped to be parents for whatever reason, it's likely to have a lasting impact on the kid. I don't think my mom ever intended to be abusive and would be horrified if she knew I thought of her that way, but alas, the long-standing, deep-seated effects speak for themselves.

Slumber Kitty, have you read any Melody Beatty Codependence literature?

I feel like my parents did the best they could too, but within certain limits, like the limit of not upsetting my older brother, and not going against years of italian misogyny, no matter how much i railed against these things. They werent going to question these things, i just needed to shut up. It was too much trouble. I was too much trouble. I tried to minimize my needs. I even cut down on how much tp i used! Did they appreciate it? NO!!!

I do like cardamom. I use it interchangeably with cinnamon.

Hoping some others can get a smile from this

I agree completely. My mom would totally be horrified if she knew my thoughts.

Exactly what i was feeling after my phone gp dr appt this afternoon! I should make my own tiktok, "tg i procrastinate, all these appts will just have to wait, til i get over my hesitate, to call and commit my fate."

No, I've never heard of her. I have been told I'm codependent though, even though I don't totally know what that means. My Mom is bipolar but it wasn't diagnosed when I was a child. It wasn't until I was an adult that it was diagnosed. Yeah, she did some stuff she shouldn't have, maybe because of the bipolar, maybe not, and yeah my dad would side with my mom and he was pretty absent (due to work, Church, volunteer activities) throughout my childhood, but I don't know, I just have trouble thinking they were abusive or neglectful. I minimized my needs too. I was the child who didn't ask for anything. Didn't need help with anything (while dying inside) didn't want to be a bother to anyone. To the extent nowadays that if someone shows me kindness I over thank, am overly grateful, am overly too much about it. I don't know. T is like your ongoing self destructiveness comes from somewhere and I know you are a good person and you have a good character. Where do you think it comes from? And I don't have an answer. I know my childhood was a little messed up. But I survived it. It's all unsettling.

I left work 2 hours early, and even though my boss told me to, I still feel guilty. Even though my work was finished hours earlier. Even though I had errands to run. Why is my self-worth tied to "doing a good job?" Why is leaving early not "doing a good job?" Why am I having an existential crisis over this? Blergh.

Hope you are all doing well today, couchies. Hugs for everyone who wants one.

I'm sorry this is happening, NP. I'm glad P is helping you navigate finding a medication prescriber and a new therapist. It is awful to say goodbye to a therapist before you are ready. I have found that I get new and different things from every therapist I see, even when I resent them for not being the previous therapist, so maybe that will end up being a silver lining to all this. You won't really be starting over because you get to take your progress with you.

Both of the ones I hired said my parents were abusive. I disagree but even if true - so what? That was always a place where therapy never made any sense to me. So what? It has no bearing on why I hired them or if it did, then they needed to be a lot more explicit about how and why it mattered to me now.

The university is getting more insane - we now have to sign their version of a loyalty pledge saying we won't come to teach if we know we have covid. Good god every time I think they can't come up with something more stupid -they manage to do so.