[coolibrarian]

Has anyone's T gotten married while you were in therapy with them? How did you find out? Did your T talk about it? How did you feel?

[nottrustin]

Married no. However she started dating somebody and then moved in with him. He lived almost 2 hours away. I was
terrified she work decide the travel was too much and retire. She told me after the fact that at one point she considered moving her practice about and hour away. I told her I would travel. She decided she was too old to restart her practice. Plus she enjoyed the travel; She lived alone for so many years suddenly living with a man was an adjustment and she enjoyed the ride. This was the main reason I started seeing Emdr T. I was afraid she would retire and I would be left hanging. Since EMDR is supposedly so quick, I figured qe jen T did stop working I would be done with therapy forever

Current T has been married for longer than I have been seeing her.

[ElectricManatee]

My T has gotten divorced and remarried in the time I have been seeing her (nine years). I found out about the divorce when the nameplate on her door changed, followed by her telling me about it immediately after that at the beginning of the session. I found out several years later that she was getting married when I noticed her gigantic engagement ring in session.

I was pretty pissed off about her getting married for reasons that were difficult to explain and rooted in childhood trauma. I was afraid she would change things (move, quit her job, etc), and I felt left out and afraid of being abandoned. Our relationship has always felt parent/child to me, so the child aspect had all the fears you might expect they would have when the parent figure unilaterally decides to get remarried.

That whole chapter was intense and unpleasant, but we worked through it and I feel fine about her being married now. I think wading through all those emotions was somewhat healing in the way that ruptures often are. She didn't end up moving or closing her practice (at least not so far), and she visits her husband (who still lives two hours away) every other weekend. I know this because she alternates our Friday session between their two houses with very different decor.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Yes my T got married. She mentioned it in passing and I realised I had some strong feelings about it so I discussed it with her. I have an erotic transference towards her which was part of it, but I was also scared that her marriage would mean things changing between us (I know this links to other stuff from the past). T is quite open about her life generally, it's how she works, but she is always equally open to hearing how anything in her life is affecting me and we talk about it, over and over if necessary.

[Omers]

Yes, she told me ahead of time and talked about it in session... almost like she wanted me to be upset/jealous. She was a very bad T for me. My biggest thing was she showed me a picture of the guy she was marrying and he totally creeped me out. Later on I met him in person... just as creepy.
If it were current T he would tell me as I would pick up on him acting funny and I’m sure he would take some time off. If I was feeling brave I would ask all kinds of questions about the woman he was marrying. Had he been single when we started therapy I would not be able to imagine him with a wife and his getting married would be a huge trigger... so we’d talk about it a lot.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Omers

Yes, she told me ahead of time and talked about it in session... almost like she wanted me to be upset/jealous. She was a very bad T for me. My biggest thing was she showed me a picture of the guy she was marrying and he totally creeped me out. Later on I met him in person... just as creepy.
If it were current T he would tell me as I would pick up on him acting funny and I’m sure he would take some time off. If I was feeling brave I would ask all kinds of questions about the woman he was marrying. Had he been single when we started therapy I would not be able to imagine him with a wife and his getting married would be a huge trigger... so we’d talk about it a lot.

For the first 5 years of seeing long term T she was very single and a home body. Suddenly she started going away for the weekend to her home state and was just acting different, happier. She also mentioned how she was reconnecting with old high school friends (she was in her early 60's). I suspected she was dating somebody but didnt say anything. One day she as part of the conversation that she was dating one of her high school friends. I instantly said I knew it. She asked how I knew and seemed very surprised. I told her why I suspected it. She reassured me that things were not going to change for as as she had no intentions of it changing her practice it just meant she wiudl be going to see him every other weekend and he would ne harr. I was still welcome to contact her on the weekends of needed as he knew that her work and clients were very important to her. She also said if anything changes I would be one of the first to know. She always kept that promise.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Two of my three were already married with kids. My last was divorced but in a committed relationship and they did move in together while I was seeing him as my therapist -- and eventually broke up and stopped living together. It wasn't something we talked about a lot. Just sort of gathered as we spoke about weekend plans, vacation plans, etc. My therapists were always pretty open book in a very casual way. It wasn't a big deal to share that kind of information.

How did I feel about that kind of information? It really wasn't about me, so I didn't really feel much about it. It was just information. Their life; their choices; their business. Cool for them when things were going well. Darn for them when it wasn't, but not much beyond that. No more than I would feel for that kind of information from most people I guess.

All that said, I never thought it was any obligation of them to share anything with me, and I am quite certain they didn't share anything near everything with me -- that was certainly fine. I didn't share everything about my day-to-day life with them either.

Some things I learned after-the-fact, like the relationship change, or a death in the family, or an illness. That was also fine. I certainly never felt like I should be anywhere near the top of the list for that information.

[coolibrarian]

I'm upset about it, and I'm thinking about it, so I know I "should" talk about it, but I don't want to bring it up. She's going to know I'm upset about something. Sigh. I don't know what to do.

[ElectricManatee]

Why don't you want to bring it up, if it's bothering you?

[unaluna]

Talk about it, is always my position. The last time my t got married, it was in NYC, and i somehow turned it into a story about how they honeymooned with a trek on a mule ride into the Grand Canyon. I think that meant i was not happy about it!

[divine1966]

My t is married. I had other ts who were either married or engaged. I find it maybe a bit strange that your t never told you, but it depends on the type relationship you two have or how he/she conducts therapy (mine talks about herself but other ts never do). I think it depends why you are upset. Is it because she didn’t think of sharing with you or the actual act of marriage is upsetting?

[coolibrarian]

Because I'm not supposed to know.

[coolibrarian]

Divine, it is because she didn't think of sharing it with me.

[Rive.]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

T is quite open about her life generally, it's how she works, but she is always equally open to hearing how anything in her life is affecting me and we talk about it, over and over if necessary.

Wow, what an amazing T to be willing to talk about anything, esp. something pertaining to her life - and what more, as much as needed, if it impacts her client. And I am in awe at your courage(?) and honesty in bringing these difficult topics up..

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

Divine, it is because she didn't think of sharing it with me.

Maybe she did think about telling you and for some unknown reason felt it was better to tell you at your next appointment.

[coolibrarian]

I have considered that.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by Rive.

Wow, what an amazing T to be willing to talk about anything, esp. something pertaining to her life - and what more, as much as needed, if it impacts her client. And I am in awe at your courage(?) and honesty in bringing these difficult topics up..

Thank you, yes she is, and the only reason I can talk about these things so honestly is that she is so open to hearing how anything involving her impacts me.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

Divine, it is because she didn't think of sharing it with me.

I'm really sorry, I know how painful that would feel to me. Is there any way of saying you found out and you're hurting about it?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

Divine, it is because she didn't think of sharing it with me.

I understand.

She might be very private person in general? When I got married I didn’t tell a ton of people, which actually upset some people and some people were not happy I didn’t do a wedding and eloped. But I felt it had nothing to do with them and I didn’t feel like I had to share private things? Just a thought

[Rive.]

I don't think any of my Ts would even have considered letting me know re any marital changes. Lol, I'm not that important. More seriously, it's none of my business. They don't owe me any justification re their life choices.

I see it as a very clear demarcation between private and professional. So I would not expect them to keep me apprised of any changes to their personal, let alone their love, lives.

[MessyD]

My T got married and I found out from a Facebook profile picture. I didn’t look at his profile but he kept coming up as a friend suggestion and the picture was very obvious. It upset me that it upset me but it took me several months to bring it up. I’m glad I did because it would have been probably still bothering me. I was also afraid because I wasn’t supposed to know about it but I wasn’t snooping and it wasn’t my fault that it kept popping up. It turned out I wasn’t upset about him getting married but it bothered me that he didn’t tell me. Especially since he would tell me many personal things, he said where he went on vacation and what he did but didn’t mention big thing like that. I knew it was intentional and I still don’t know why he didn’t tell me. But it does not bother me anymore. Of course he’s not obligated to tell me anything but shares things like that now and we talk about it.

[JBear34]

My therapist filed for divorce 2 years ago, but I just found out about it. I think she may have someone new in her life and that has made me very jealous. Before I knew she was divorced, I was never attracted to her. Now, suddenly I am attracted to her. I’ve discussed this "transference" with her.

[Shotokan]

I don't mean to be harsh. Therapy is about the client and not the therapist, and the relationship is not a friendship. And her getting married is very personal. Unless it effects your working with her (closing the practice, relocating the practice), she does not need to mention it. I am sorry if this sounds rude/harsh, but those are the boundaries of therapy.

I feel for you. I've wanted personal information about another therapist that I used to have, but I had to remind myself that he was my therapist and we weren't friends.

[coolibrarian]

My situation, like that of many others in therapy, is far more complicated than this.
If you didn't mean your message to be harsh, you shouldn't have been harsh. There are rules against being judgemental on this forum.

[Shotokan]

Actually my post was not harsh or judgmental. I am just stating that clients and therapists are NOT friends. And when someone gets married, it is a part of their PRIVATE life, and we are not a part of our therapists private life. If we were, we wouldn't be seeing them. These are just basic boundaries of the therapeutic relationship.