Couch 219: The Goose Drank Wine

So, I think the session with Dr. T actually went really well. I'd typed up all these thoughts last night. I wasn't sure how to start, so he said why didn't I just talk, he wouldn't interrupt, would just take notes, then respond at the end. I talked for probably 15 minutes, then he read some notes back to me (they were accurate). Then we discussed. Was mostly about the therapeutic relationship and how I handle that. Plus some stuff on insecure attachment and child development. Last part, we started talking about my fear of being too dependent on him and wondering how I can pull back away from that, and he said he's glad that I brought it up. That we should discuss that more on Friday (this was right at end of session). I actually took some notes, which I don't normally do, so might write up at least part of the session later.

Yeah... that fear of being too dependent on t. I talked about that with L last week, that I'd come to realize (and it took for-ev-er) to realize that the reason I'm afraid of being too dependent on her (and why that leads to me running away from therapy every time I do) is that if I'm dependent on her then that means she can hurt me and it all goes back to this abandonment wound that I've recently begun delving into deeply. I never realized how much that childhood stuff influences everything in my life today.

I feared being too dependent on former T and I totally was. With current T, I don't feel dependent on her in the same way. I think maybe because I'm not in crisis as much and I think because my support network is much better than when I was with former T. (It was like non-existent then.)

The dependence thing is an interesting concept. I have gone back and forth at various stages, sometimes with a healthy dependence and sometimes with a less healthy one (with an occasional splash of counterdependence for good measure).

I think the idea is to get to a place where you don't need to be dependent, rather than consciously trying to root it out or force yourself not to be dependent. I have found that one of my therapists is more successful with helping me with that than the other, although I'm not sure why. It's this weird thing of being fully in the relationship and also knowing the goal is to be able to leave it.

There have been times when my main therapist has been more available (practically and emotionally) because I was going through something specific, and I think the idea is that the extra stuff would go away after the thing passed specifically because I wouldn't need it anymore, so it wouldn't be so horrible. But anticipating it going away while I'm still in the middle of the thing is pretty stressful.

ooh that's big (what i bolded) for me. I think maybe because I won't ever let myself be fully in the relationship, until I do, i'm not going to get to the goal of being able to leave it. that's why i keep on going back!! Dang. That's some seriously deep stuff. (I mean that sincerely) and I'm going to mention it to L tomorrow. Thanks for that, EM.

What does being fully in a relationship look like? I don't think I am capable of this. What do people mean, or imagine, when they say this?

Ive heard having your own bathroom helps.

Eta - and now i hear SD saying, "of course YOU would say that!"

With 2ex having my own bathroom and bedroom prolonged that relationship for at least a year. Separate kitchens would have helped too.

H bought our current house with his ex-fiance (I was not in any way involved in their breakup!) It's a split-level with lots of floors and 2.5 bathrooms. He said part of why they chose this house is that it gave them plenty of space from each other. Which...perhaps should have been some sort of sign? But space does help...and lots of bathrooms. The living room is basically my bedroom and often my working space (though I now share it with two guinea pigs--in a cage though). Though I have a tiny desk in the master bedroom where I typically have therapy sessions (because I can shut the door) and sometimes do work. Sort of wish we had one extra bedroom...

Well, he's out. I guess I get to start looking over my shoulder now.

This makes a lot of sense. Abandonment wounds/fears are so difficult to deal with. I was trying to talk about the child part of me, and Dr. T said he sees that as more the insecure attachment side. With those fears. He said how in any relationship--whether friendship, therapeutic, etc.--it's like I feel at any moment I could be thrown into the shark tank.


He said it seems I have a bit of a tug-of-war with therapy. Where I wonder if the therapist actually likes me, or is it just because I'm paying them? While with a friend, the thought is that they're hanging out with me because they like me. Or with H, that apparently he liked me enough to marry me. And with therapy, he said, I look for signs of "nurturance, commitment, loyalty, devotion." That I'm not just a customer getting a service that I paid for, like in a shoe store or something.

More later.

Hugs, NP... Did you end up setting up cameras and/or alarm system on the house?

Not yet.

Stay safe...

You make some good points here. I get the sense that's how Dr. T normally handles it with clients, that they just gradually stop needing therapy. So maybe that's why he's unsure of the path forward for me, in terms of becoming less dependent (something he said in session)? Because he's not used to be asked by a client to help them become less dependent.

And I agree that it seems especially hard to think of being less dependent while I'm in the midst of a period where I particularly need support. Shortly before the pandemic started, I felt I was doing much better and had even been thinking at the time that I could see myself trying just having sessions once a week in the near future. Then the pandemic hits, and it all falls apart. And now I'm seeing him *3* times a week (supposed to go back to 2 in early November--I'd negotiated a discount that ends then, but may be able to renegotiate, I don't know).

What's so difficult about the pandemic is having no sense when it will be over. I had intended the 3 times a week to be temporary, just to get through it, figuring that it would be over in a couple months at most. But instead it's still going on, with no end in sight. Maybe thinking about being less dependent on Dr. T is just adding another source of anxiety/stress to my life right now. And if *he's* accepting of my current level of dependence (including things like emails, the occasional text), then maybe it's OK to just sort of go on like this until I feel ready to pull back more.

I'm doing *much* better. I was in a really dark place for a while there. I didn't end up going to the hospital or doing anything bad, but I basically didn't leave my bed for a long while.

Then I had to start my new job as an attending, and somehow that kick-started me into relative okay-ness again.

Now I'm deciding where I want to do palliative care fellowship. I'm between two really good programs, one on each coast. I'm really torn, because for the one on the East Coast I wouldn't have to move or anything, which would be convenient, and it'd be nice to stay close to my current friends and support system... but also it'd be exciting to move to a new place too. The East Coast program is showing a lot of interest in me (sending me lots of enthusiastic emails), which is also flattering and makes me think they're likely to choose me too.

Anyway, I missed y'all

Seriously annoying day. My computer crashed twice during my morning class (the second time three minutes from the end), and I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong before my afternoon class (at first I thought simple overheating but I’m not sure)—for which I guess I’ll have to use my other computer.

Plus this week is the first time my wireless has been unstable enough to require a wired connection.

Emotional Artie was definitely in attendance during my session a little bit ago, quite a few tears. It was a good session overall even so, unfortunately therapy hangover has kicked in just in time to log onto class. Ugh...

Regarding my insurance saga - the short is T is getting paid and has been removed from the review/audit list.

The longer - my insurance is actually only a servicer as my wife's company is self insured. She took it her way, T's lawyer took it his way, T talked to the insurance behavioral health person that supposedly talked to the VP of the company.... I did some contacting of various service reps (though not sure if that really made much difference).

So .... for now things are back to "normal", except... I'm not really back to normal. There's a part of me that is stuck in the panic of what if's, a part that says we need to do this or that, and a part that is embarrassed and horrified by my reaction to it all. Lots of other parts in there too. It's such an emotional mess that I don't even really know how to start to deal with it all. Most the time I feel like I shouldn't talk to T about it because really what I went through is such a small portion of what she's had to go through. And my response just, well feels like I just added another slap to her experience. I try to remind myself that ... hey this is therapy, if I wasn't messed up in ways, I wouldn't be there in the first place... hello pathology . Still I feel so bad.

My internet has been up and down since Friday night, now the outages are lasting longer and longer. This morning I told my kid "Good news! The internet has been down for 2 hours, please email your teachers." Literally 30 seconds later "Bad news! Cancel those emails, it came back up." I'm not going to brag about my awesome provider any more.

Chihiro congratulations on your courtship, and good luck on your decision. I'm glad you feel better now.