Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

How can it be that I sometimes feel like I'm being 'too honest' with you?
I'm experiencing a guilt trip over my most recent email. I didn't expect to be so...unstable in our most recent conversation, and it really caught me off guard.

Will we go back to face to face next year? Or am I shooting my self in the foot for hoping?

Dear Former T: Thank you for your text yesterday. It really meant a lot to me when I was struggling so much. I still love you! Kit

Dear Info,

More happened in the work accommodations situation I wanted to talk and vent to you about this week. I don’t really want to talk to anyone else about it.

I hope you’re okay.

ATAT

I don't want you to take time off over Christmas and New Year. No, annual leave application denied, I am afraid. You can take 24 hours off for Christmas Day and that is the end of that. Why are you doing this? Prioritising your personal time and intimate relationships?! Who does that?! God, you are the worst.

I am in pain!!! How dare you care more about your nut roast and Christmas tree?!?!?

I hope your cats pee on your parsnips.

And your sister hates your gift and your partner spills the gravy.

I wish you’d reach out to me right now. You know what happened today. I’m feeling so bad right now. I just need some support. I need an email from you.

Thanks so much for today. It's really, really nice sitting with you and talking from this place of very real whole-ness. I loved how much you enjoyed that book I brought with me today - now you have seen my two favorite books from young childhood! That healing experience in October was definitely life-changing, it's like, 9 years of therapy with you completely prepared me for that. And now here I am.

Do you know how absolutely frickin AWESOME it is to not be painfully in love with you anymore? That's almost better than the wholeness of self that I feel.

... good timing too, eh, with your vacation and my overtime month happening back to back!

Well what the heck happened today? The child me came to the session expecting to be awkward, difficult and shut down after last week, but somehow we actually managed to have one of the best sessions we have had since I began seeing you a couple of months ago. Ok granted we didn’t get in to any deep stuff and it was quite a general session but for the first time I managed to make a joke with you about the way I think. Also the first time I’ve left a session feeling hopeful that this relationship could work. But now I’m scared that I’m going to end up being wrong and have started to think it’s actually easier to just believe it won’t work and that way I can’t be disappointed. I know, f***ed up, right?

I'll be honest. Since falling out with Creepy guy over 10 weeks ago I've just felt so much more lonelier. Spending Christmas alone really highlights that now.

I also feel guilty for not sending you a Christmas gift this year. I don't want you to forget me.

Session today, like every day was auto pilot. Until you asked me a question to do with how will changing from weekly to monthly change how things are worked on or something to that affect? I felt it was a question that was setting me up for something and i would have to justify changing appointments to shift monthly to weekly. This year has so ****ed me in regards to therapy. Yet again maybe for the better as i would not have to see you in person and feel all this in front of you. Sent an email explaining how your question has shaken my system not sure i expect an answer. You seem like your wanting to keep me on a monthly basis so whatever! I have been on auto pilot and cant seem to get out. Grounding work daily, minute by minute i just dont have the energy to do. Not sure where or what to do since i am so stuck. Its like i dont care if i live or die. No interest in work as i quit and helping my kids yes i want to but i am just not there, it sucks but i try and feel inadequate. I know its a whole mind thing but i just cant get my damn self on board no matter how much you tell me over the past 7 years!! It seems you are not the type anymore to hold my hand and guide me, but show me and have me do it myself. As i have said i am not sure what i am doing. I miss the therapist that would try to sit and read a book togehter it was so soon in our therapy but might want to do that again. I have tried but over the years you said you no longer will do that. So i will not ask for that kind of guidance. I feel your abandoning me. It hurts so much. I would never share all this. Maybe coming out telling you how i felt in the past was a huge mistake. This gives me no faith in therpists, to healing, to ever getting over or dealing with dissociation or to tolerating feelings and people.do you hear me, i hate people and feelings and your the last one i plan to deal with !!!!!????? Adult mind is gone....auto pilot is here. Therapy might just be over.

So I basically cried all day and all evening today with the exception of the 50 minute video call with you. Why. Stupid teen part hijack. I don’t remember the session properly, I know you had to end it because I couldn’t and then you were just.....gone. And I was alone. The pain is reaching unbearable levels again.

After meeting with 5 other mental health care people today and not seeing you for over a week I honestly have kind of forgotten already about you. I did realize that your emails are pretty phoned in since all the emails I’ve gotten from IOP reads a lot like yours do. Just generic and not very personal. The 5 people I met with today also makes me think that I’ve been getting and paying a lot of money for generic therapy sessions for 1.5 years.

Super non-committal response

I finished my final paper! 17 pages. Just submitted it. Now I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

If I really do deserve kindness and support then why will nobody talk to me when I am in crisis?
I guess I am just worthless and don't deserve help after all