Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I haven't been well just feeling super low. I cried watching a Christmas movie. For once I would like to not feel so heavy and hopeless.

23 days without you already. I've been reading my notes from our last session- it feels like we were going in circles. I can't believe I used to pay £44.50 an hour too.

Dear T,
I just read something where Fauci speculated that we might be essentially back to normal, if enough people get vaccinated, by the end of next year. The end of next year? So another whole year of this? I just feel so hopeless...


And I wonder, because you seem particularly worried about the virus...will you not let clients come back until they're vaccinated? Which would mean...I know you have some young adult clients, so they'd be likely eligible before me. And if you have an elderly ones. Or, obviously, front-line workers. Or those with health conditions. Based on a questionnaire I did, I'm essentially at the end of the line in terms of eligibility. Will you let everyone else in first, assuming that maybe you could get one earlier as a healthcare provider (though not frontline, like in a hospital, of course, but still maybe under "essential")? Will you wait to let everyone in at once? Or will the others get to go before me?


Also, will you be willing to travel for pleasure before seeing clients in person? I know that could be a case of trying to protect your clients. But if that happened, if you took a vacation that involved air travel, heading to a fairly populated area (vs. a car drive to a cabin in the woods), yet wouldn't see clients in person...that would be really painful for me. (And I also wonder how long insurance will be willing to reimburse at the current rate for teletherapy. What if they stop that? But you won't see clients in person?)

I feel like I can't ask you any of these questions tomorrow, because you probably won't know the answers yet. I mean, maybe you could at least say whether you'd wait till you were willing to allow all clients in person vs. being selective on who had vaccine. Or that maybe you'd allow, say, a couple a day, spaced out, like maybe each client could come in person once or twice a month or something.

But then I also wonder--what if you start seeing clients in person, but would require masks. Could I still keep seeing you virtually, because I'd rather that way vs. with us both wearing a mask? (And will insurance still partially reimburse then?)

This is all stuff I'm thinking about...Along with the lack hope. I know there are certain reasons to feel hopeful for the new year. But I'm struggling with it. And I'm sort of worried about how I'll do between when I see you on Wednesday and then the following Monday. Christmas was OK. But New Year's tends to give me more issues and lead to more dark thoughts in general. So I hate that I can't even really contact you, aside from emergency (if I understood/read between the lines correctly) between after session Wed. and either Sunday (if you're working then) or Monday morning. I suppose I could clarify tomorrow? (And I'm very grateful that you're working tomorrow through Wed. next week, instead of being off for like 12 days striaght).

Love,
LT

I don’t think my opinion is useful or welcomed by anyone, and I can’t help but wonder why. I had noticed I was finding bed extremely comfy, and I have never felt that before as bed is usually a horrible place. I am so tired today.

Its a head cold, test not back yet, but she feels like she is over it. my son is still staying there til maybe Tuesday to make sure

I could email you, and i know you'd reply tomorrow, but i'm still upset and annoyed about the MH service being so utterly useless. I feel like i need to have a good rant about it, but you're on holiday and there's nothing you can do to fix it so what would be the point? Especially when you'd probably reply with something that sounds supportive to you but doesn't feel supportive to me. And then i'd feel worse.

Perhaps I'll leave it and see if you check in first. You probably will given i haven't emailed in five days. Or maybe you'll think i don't want any contact and leave me alone and that really will feel awful. And i'll still have to decide if i'm going to email you or not.

Ugh. Hate when i get into this kind of headspace. I just wanted a bit of help to sift through this triggered flashbacky stuff and figure out how to contain some of it while you're away. Can't do it via 'phone or text - my brain doesn't process that way - which is why we asked for face to face support. They say they're there to help so why won't they help me? I don't want to have to get to crisis point before i can get any help.

PTSD is shite. this time of year is shite. unhelpful MH service is shite. ho bl**dy ho.

I actually hate you right now. You led me to believe that you weren’t working at all during Christmas and New Year and that is why you would not be able to see me. But today you are seeing clients like any normal Monday and you are actually just taking Christmas Day and New Year’s Day as well as Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve which are my days for session. Why the hell couldn’t you have offered to reschedule me?? I told you how much breaks in therapy affect me and I usually end up in crisis but there wasn’t even the consideration of having a session on another day. And don’t feed me the bull**** that you had no appts because you said a few weeks ago that you weren’t full to capacity at the moment.
This along with your policy of no support outside of sessions has literally sent me over the edge. Don’t even know whether I should bother to come back. You clearly don’t care you utter piece of sh**

I’m scared 2021 won’t be better. I’m scared I won’t get to see you face to face. I’m just so tired of all this and still have over two weeks until we have a session. I feel like I want to smash something. I’m not having a good day.

Dear T, thank you for your kind holiday wishes. That was sweet of you. I was struggling a lot yesterday but I made it through. I thought about going to the hospital but I didn't want to be there for New Years. Not that New Years is a big thing for me, but it's just not how I want to start off the year. Thanks Kit

If it was like a normal week I would be seeing you tomorrow. And I would be really scared to come and say what I would say. I still don't know how I feel, I am trying to feel it. But it will have to wait another week. Please don't think I'm an absolute waste of space.

Something pretty darn big just hit me right this moment as I sit here typing this. Is my brave big enough to take it on? I don't know. I want it to be. And because I want it to be, it CAN be. It WILL be. I got this.

I would like to stop feeling ignore. I want to feel love. I want people to stop abandoning me. I want to feel good again. I want to feel save telling you the abuse I had suffered from my family, school without the fear of being yelled at.

I think it’s almost time for us to start meeting again. It’s been almost 3 weeks. I’ve made progress. I learned stuff. I got my meds increased. I think I’m about ready to start up with individual therapy again.

Every time I think about the birthday card you sent to me I feel like laughing and crying, I feel warm, happy, and embarrassed! Your card is 100% perfect and you put so much love into it...I can't even imagine.

Feeling very apathetic lately. Even deleted my phone games off my phone, the ones i lived for. Just seem to not care to play, to do much of anything lately. And yet I got my living room painted. I m not sure I have much to say come session in a few weeks. feel burnt out from doing nothing. Maybe its all from not sleeping going to sleep at 5 to 7 am and waking at 9 to 11 am isnt good. Also hate this time of year. and the cold. guess that is all.

Have you always been looking at the night sky like that? Or have you just started. It’s funny to read you throwing out names of stars and things. In a good way of course. I wish I knew you when I was little.

I should get a smaller telescope to look at the sky with really, I never manage to set the other one up because it takes a while and I have nowhere to keep it.

8 more days. I thought I’d be more ok than this

I am wishing I had asked when you were coming back. This isn't urgent, it can wait til you're back and ready to work again, but... dang it I still wish I had asked. All you said was 'after the 1st of the year' which could really mean anything. And I didn't ask because I know how busy my January is with all the overtime, and I didn't yet know if I would be able to have Friday as my day off. But now I know I do have Fridays off - so I am going to want to schedule the first friday you are back. I will wait until after 1/1 to bug you about it. There's just a lot going on in my world atm and I'm handling it fine right NOW - but once the 60+ hour weeks start I have 0 confidence in my ability to continue that.

Dear T,
Thanks for a good session today. It was nice hearing about a dream you've had, too, though you seemed reluctant to label it as an "anxiety dream." And thanks for the show and game recommendations. I feel I'd take some comfort in watching something that I know you enjoyed as well. Also, Ted Danson! I came up with his name as soon as I signed off. I thought about texting you, but you could very easily look it up (and perhaps remembered after the call, too). I suppose being bad at pulling celebrity names is one thing we have in common.

Also, glad to know that you would still be reading emails in the mornings as usual during the short break. I'm glad I clarified, as I thought you'd said just emergencies. But apparently "emergencies" are the things you'd reply to outside of the mornings. Not that I intend to email. But it helps to know it's there as an option.

Love you,
LT

I know you have talked a few times about switching me to a therapist that specializes in eating disorders, but can you maybe not? I need to get back to seeing you specifically.

Two weeks since I last saw you and it feels like a lifetime and I still have two weeks to go.
In a really bad place right now and just don’t want to carry on anymore, I just want to end it all. I can’t cope with everything that I’m feeling and I’m angry at you because you don’t care enough to let me contact you when I’m feeling like this. I have nobody, no friends, no family. I have no purpose. What is the point is staying and being in pain when I could go and feel nothing.

It looks like it will be another week before we meet. I thought it was 2-4 weeks but now it looks like it’s for sure gonna be 4 weeks.

If you ask if I’m mad at you I’m gonna say “girl I’m past that.”

This apathetic feeling is here to stay. Tried to use Touchpoints to sleep, the clickers, and i was getting tired only to get out of the bed to use restroom and upon my return, my dog was just irritating me,and I was so annoyed that I took the clickers off. Tonight not going to sleep, why because I am drinking. Its been about 3 or 4 months since I drank and afraid that its getting easier to reach for a drink now a days. The attitude that I dont care, I am sad to say that my youngest son has been ready to come back to see me since he has been at his dad's with the possiblity that his dad's wife had gotten covid but was a head cold. And when he reached out to me for getting my son back, I did not jump on the opportunity. I know in my heart of heart that I would of and should of, but did not. I just need to be alone. is it bad to say that I wish my oldest would move out...he is depressed with no job and doesnt care to get a job, and I am tired of supporting him. I cant bring myself to tell him so. It would crush him as he feels his dad doesnt love or support him, would not want to add to that unecessarily. I am have had two hard apple cider's and feel so numb. Amazing that during our last session earlier this month, I was happy to see you, and now, It does not phase me at all if i do. I hate this time of year!!!! I bought 30 lottery scratch off tickets. I was going to buy $96 worth, but there was a line behind me so only bought $40 worth, and started to think about gambling more. Go to a casino when it opens. or look in to one if they are open river boats again. what to do tonight...drink... and maybe pass out?? What are you doing??

I feel like I’m not giving you enough credit sometimes. You were the first person I came out to, and you gave me the name of the doctor and you were there when I came out to my mom and you helped her to understand. You gave me the diagnosis so I was able to get treatment and surgery. Maybe I’m just being a jerk and not appreciating you enough.

I'm worried about what you will think when you see me next week.

Dear T,
Either I missed your morning threshold (even though I sent it by 7:30) or else maybe you thought my email wasn't important enough (of course that's where my brain goes...). Perhaps it would have been better if I'd just continued with my assumption that you were only doing emergency emails. Instead of clarifying with you Wednesday and learning it's your usual policy. Perhaps you'll say something later in reply, I don't know. At least tomorrow morning.

It's partly that I've been anxious and also weepy off and on since yesterday, and I'm not totally sure why, so I think part of me just wants to see your name in my inbox. But it was easier to write about the stuff about my parents, and that's definitely contributing to the anxiety/sadness, though that was there before, too. I feel like I tend to be like that on New Year's, for whatever reason.

Love,
LT