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Veteran Member
Member Since Nov 2009
Location: SpACE
Posts: 597
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#41
I think that i was hoping that you'd say something to the email i sent and still nothing, i guess when you said we would not be able to see each other until the authorization is processed it truly meant no contact at all.?! I am numb, and so unable to feel anything anymore. I think that i am trying to feel something but nothing, just numb, blank emptiness. Maybe i have in a sense erased you. Its still a huge mountain in my head, while you see it as a small ant hill, this hasnt been easy. I have tried to email you a few times, but keep deleting them, as i start to talk myself out of the reason. I tell myself that your not going to respond so what's the point. I cant talk to you so who cares. And i hit delete. I convince myself to withdraw, distance and dissociate from you. And yet its not your fault. I know that, but i continue to feel it is.
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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comrademoomoo, Quietmind 2
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,238
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#42
I am so relieved that we are creating an actual concrete plan. How did you know I had been planning to ASK for just that? Maybe my email from last week clued you in? I'm glad I got brave enough to mention Saturday's email and how I felt about it. That was hard. There's SO much damn shame around my weight. So much. I want to be healthy. I do. Thank you for saying that you care about me. I appreciate it more than you know. It's just so hard for me to accept that caring.
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SlumberKitty
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LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,238
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#43
something has changed in you as a t.
i like the change. |
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SlumberKitty
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Veteran Member
Member Since Nov 2009
Location: SpACE
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#44
I guess i am still processing this no contact, not like when we were seeing each other you responded to emails in between sessions , but although there was no response atleast you and i would meet via telehealth ....today would of been the day, our time has past. And it is just realizing how much it will hurt when the day comes that you retire. I am not ready for therapy to end. Though at this rate and having experienced this now, its a consideration. Only because i am not able to emotionally handle this like the grown up adult i look like. You had said in the last 15 min of session that your still here, it so does not feel like it. I feel as if you have moved on. I get the updates that you and the coordinator send but what is that suppose to do for me. Doesnt help. Still under the impression this will be 90 days plus. How are qe suppose to start were we left off? I can feel that my system has adapted to this hurt, pain etc. Though it is not present day, because if i knew that it would not feel like it does. Hate this. Being aware of it does not change anything wish it did. If i let myself have a moment to sit with the facts that we are not seeing you due to authorization issue its starts out okay, and the emotions take over no matter how hard i try to reason. It feels like hirt, pain and abandonment. Its a horrible cycle. ...getting to adapt and deal i guess.
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Elio, SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
Posts: 2,014
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#45
In. Pain.
Caused? By you. |
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ElectricManatee, Elio, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,762
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#46
Dear T,
I imagine you wouldn't be surprised to know I'm looking for new T's right now. I hope you realize that it's not really just about the email, but about feeling deceived by you about it. And just...other stuff, too. I don't think I'll keep tomorrow's session, but I'll see how I feel in the morning. This pathetic part of me wishes you'd email to ask me to come talk things through. But I know you won't because of your boundaries (and yes, I know, chasing is probably not a good thing). But maybe I just need a little distance? And maybe you do as well? Plus the money thing, but I'd likely only do a half session anyway. --LT |
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Elio, just2b, SlumberKitty
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just2b
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
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#47
Isn't it annoying that our session couldn't happen because the clinic IT didn't send me the teletherapy link? Hopefully they'll have it fixed by tomorrow.
I do sorta wish you'd have called to confirm our appointment for tomorrow, but I can understand why you didn't call, too, since I'd already set it up with the receptionist. __________________ |
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Elio, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Veteran Member
Member Since Nov 2009
Location: SpACE
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#48
going numb and withdrawn more and more everyday. dont feel your really there anymore. when we actually have a session I am not sure I am going to beable to really tell you what was going on.
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Elio, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2008
Posts: 7,361
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#49
you are right, that was a lot. I want you to be able to help me, I just don't think you can.
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ArtieTheSequal, ElectricManatee, Elio, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Veteran Member
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Somewhere in a cloud
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#50
I’m probably over sensitive and have unrealistic expectations (because you can’t read my mind), but I felt like you dismissed what I wanted to talk about yesterday and pushed me to take all emotion out of my emotion. I felt like you were cold and like you don’t care about me at all. Maybe I pissed you off. Maybe I’m starting to be annoying and you look forward to ending my sessions. Maybe I’m just overreacting. I ****ing hate video sessions so much! It’s been so long and there’s no end in sight!
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Elio, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Veteran Member
Member Since Nov 2009
Location: SpACE
Posts: 597
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#51
I am trying to put this all in perspective. Hard to do when emotionally you keep feeling abandoned. Its not your fault. The reality is not as bad though it is in my head need to stay out if my head. I keep looking for an email or text, nothing. Need to stop. Pretend i dont need you. Pretend i am doing fine. Pretend might become real.
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Elio, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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...............
Member Since Sep 2006
Location: in my head
Posts: 2,911
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#52
Ok Dr. S, what's up with no wedding ring. I thought I had noticed it was gone on one of our video visits but it's hard to tell since I see so little of you on camera. I wondered enough to make sure I looked when we saw each other yesterday. I know there's lots of reasons you might not have been wearing it. Ugh.
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Member
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Somewhere else
Posts: 119
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#53
I’m sorry you had to end the session like that, it’s not what I wanted...you do know that don’t you? I was so stuck in the little part, she wouldn’t let me speak to you....I couldn’t convince her it was safe. You know this has been my big fear about video calls and now it’s happened. When I eventually came out of that state I looked at the screen and it said your name and that you’d ended the meeting. I know we talked about me ending the calls so I don’t feel abandoned, I wonder how hard it was for you to do that....I know the last time it happened you said it was hard, was it harder being able to see me frozen there hiding like a small child? I’m sorry. I so badly want to be able to make this work. I don’t know what to do.
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ElectricManatee, just2b, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Quietmind 2
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,762
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#54
Quote:
Hope it's OK to reply. I've rarely worn my wedding ring since the pandemic started. And the couple times I have worn it, I've, uh, had trouble getting it back off because I've put on a little weight. Dr. T also hasn't been wearing his at all (but he's referenced his wife). So it's possibly a pandemic thing, that she got out of the habit of wearing it? |
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Elio, Quietmind 2
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
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#55
Dear T,
Thanks for all that today. You made it clear that you care about me (even if you didn't fully say those words). And the fact that you were thinking last night about what you could have said to make me that upset, that means a lot, too. That you spent time trying to figure it out. And didn't just go on about your day not giving a second thought to my leaving session a sobbing mess because of that conversation. I feel better about moving forward with you now. Trying to decide whether to cancel the intake with the other person...if I'm thinking of just staying with you, seems pointless to use the time and money on that, plus to take up *that* guy's time. The other thing is, wonder if I could ask him if I could just do a consult? or with the other one? Hm... Love you, LT |
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Quietmind 2
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Magnate
Member Since May 2017
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,515
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#56
Quote:
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SlumberKitty
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Elio, LonesomeTonight, Quietmind 2
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Veteran Member
Member Since Nov 2009
Location: SpACE
Posts: 597
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#57
I just realized its only been a total of 3 weeks since our last session. and one week you were on vacation, and that same week I had a vacation from hell. then would of seen you. Damn it! only if the things I write I could actually do. I am in the beginning stages of wanting to do something impulsive. I feel like i am going to burst into tears, and partly want to go drink, and partly just want to screw all this,and be damn ****ing done. Its been basically three weeks and I feel like its been months already. Not good. not at all. As much as I would love to send an email with the expectation that you would respond, I am not and writing on a forum. you know what also sucks about this, this is all me and it has no affect on you, I guess that is what happens when you have DID and BPD. I am in my midforties and I feel like such a damn child. I just cant stop this. Here come the darn tears. its early so will probably go grab some alcohol. nothing else to do....
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LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, SlumberKitty
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2008
Posts: 7,361
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#58
Hi T. Can I make it through the weekend? Can I do one more week of work? I am not sure. I wish I could talk to you before next Friday.
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LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Poohbah
Member Since Jan 2020
Location: Somewhere I'm working to leave
Posts: 1,243
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#59
T,
Am I doomed to increasingly more and more poor physical health? |
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atisketatasket, LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, SlumberKitty
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 2,360
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#60
I get why you're not going to email me back, but I still wish you would.
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LonesomeTonight, Lostislost, SlumberKitty
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susannahsays
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