Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I am trying to put this all in perspective. Hard to do when emotionally you keep feeling abandoned. Its not your fault. The reality is not as bad though it is in my head need to stay out if my head. I keep looking for an email or text, nothing. Need to stop. Pretend i dont need you. Pretend i am doing fine. Pretend might become real.

Ok Dr. S, what's up with no wedding ring. I thought I had noticed it was gone on one of our video visits but it's hard to tell since I see so little of you on camera. I wondered enough to make sure I looked when we saw each other yesterday. I know there's lots of reasons you might not have been wearing it. Ugh.

I’m sorry you had to end the session like that, it’s not what I wanted...you do know that don’t you? I was so stuck in the little part, she wouldn’t let me speak to you....I couldn’t convince her it was safe. You know this has been my big fear about video calls and now it’s happened. When I eventually came out of that state I looked at the screen and it said your name and that you’d ended the meeting. I know we talked about me ending the calls so I don’t feel abandoned, I wonder how hard it was for you to do that....I know the last time it happened you said it was hard, was it harder being able to see me frozen there hiding like a small child? I’m sorry. I so badly want to be able to make this work. I don’t know what to do.

Hope it's OK to reply. I've rarely worn my wedding ring since the pandemic started. And the couple times I have worn it, I've, uh, had trouble getting it back off because I've put on a little weight. Dr. T also hasn't been wearing his at all (but he's referenced his wife). So it's possibly a pandemic thing, that she got out of the habit of wearing it?

Dear T,
Thanks for all that today. You made it clear that you care about me (even if you didn't fully say those words). And the fact that you were thinking last night about what you could have said to make me that upset, that means a lot, too. That you spent time trying to figure it out. And didn't just go on about your day not giving a second thought to my leaving session a sobbing mess because of that conversation. I feel better about moving forward with you now. Trying to decide whether to cancel the intake with the other person...if I'm thinking of just staying with you, seems pointless to use the time and money on that, plus to take up *that* guy's time. The other thing is, wonder if I could ask him if I could just do a consult? or with the other one? Hm...
Love you,
LT

I've found myself wearing mine less too because I wash my hands more often and more carefully, so I often take my ring off and then forget to put it back on.

I just realized its only been a total of 3 weeks since our last session. and one week you were on vacation, and that same week I had a vacation from hell. then would of seen you. Damn it! only if the things I write I could actually do. I am in the beginning stages of wanting to do something impulsive. I feel like i am going to burst into tears, and partly want to go drink, and partly just want to screw all this,and be damn ****ing done. Its been basically three weeks and I feel like its been months already. Not good. not at all. As much as I would love to send an email with the expectation that you would respond, I am not and writing on a forum. you know what also sucks about this, this is all me and it has no affect on you, I guess that is what happens when you have DID and BPD. I am in my midforties and I feel like such a damn child. I just cant stop this. Here come the darn tears. its early so will probably go grab some alcohol. nothing else to do....

Hi T. Can I make it through the weekend? Can I do one more week of work? I am not sure. I wish I could talk to you before next Friday.

T,

Am I doomed to increasingly more and more poor physical health?

I get why you're not going to email me back, but I still wish you would.

I have no idea what is happening to me this weekend but it feels awful. I really wish you were available to talk and help me figure it out.

I just really... God, I just wish you'd email or call or something.

Dear Info,

It’s there, I can feet it surrounding me, the depression, always ready to be let in.

ATAT

My mind keeps telling me that teletherapy is causing therapy to remain superficial. I'm not exactly sure, though. I'm afraid to ask you, afraid you'll say "yes".

Ok so I'm wondering what it is about Halloween pics that causes you to squat. It makes it look like you're going to the bathroom. I have only seen you do that move in Halloween pictures - this year and last year.

I'm surprised you could get so much from a dream. Sorry for all the crying. Just feel a lot of shame about that particular incident with my younger brother.

Really couldn't study much the following day on saturday- just felt pretty bad and unable to concentrate properly.

Three more sessions then I want to stop. Hide mainly.

Got my presentation done!

Just now need to finish my essay and carry on studying.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna contact that guy you recommended and see if I can schedule a session with him. It sounds like something that would be helpful for me.

I know that things needed to change. Because if they didn't I would never leave. And that's not how this is supposed to work, is it?

I was feeling so good this morning--burning the candle I found that reminds me of that snow day I got to stay home from clinic and play Stardew Valley, reading Ogden.

But now I don't feel good again. I wish... I don't even know what I wish. But I wish it.

I would like to just sit down and explain this to you. With no before or after, just a now.

Happy Birthday

Wish I could see you today instead of tomorrow...

I miss you so much. Wish I could see you properly. I appreciate zoom, but my god, when will be in the same room together again? 😭😭

I wish I knew if you are doing it on purpose.

You never have to wonder or ask if someone really loves you, because they will make it obvious.

I know you think I'm doing really well but you don't see the times when I'm struggling so hard.