Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Anything you would like to say to your therapist, big or small... post it here.

Dear T,
I thought about apologizing for being so needy yesterday, but opted not to go that route. As I would have just been looking for reassurance. I imagine you were expecting me to go there, too. But I wasn't sure what purpose it would serve. I'm trying to trust that it was OK, and I already acknowledged having broken the texting rule, but you'd seemed OK with it at the time and seemed to understand why I did. So I figured I'd trust that if it really was a problem, you'd have said something. And you didn't.


I felt cared for today and yesterday, and that means a lot. And, fine, I'll start a regular program of exercise, damn it!

Oh, and thanks for saying I'm still relatively young--you know the way to a woman's heart. :-).

Love,
LT

T... so glad i could share about that little gem of an app after our heavy session. I'm glad you're into reducing food waste and being environmentally friendly too. I like that there's low cost ways for me who doesn't earn much and I hope you snag some delicious, healthy snacks.

I'm feeling needy and I want to be intrusive. But I won't.

Also, it bothers me that you didn't recycle your water bottle and that plastic container. I wanted to scold you, but I doubt that would translate to you recycling stuff and I try not to be like that when it's unlikely result in a gain. And you hadn't slept all night and weren't feeling well, so that would have been an asshole move. I really hope this behavior is confined to your office and you do recycle at home, though.

On an unrelated note, I don't think you are aware that the way I sometimes act with you is not something I do with other people. This is partially my fault as my attempts to correct this impression have been very half-hearted. Part of me is more comfortable with you thinking as you do because otherwise, you would start wondering why I just do it with you and that is not a road I want you going down for multiple reasons. Suffice it to say that I am very rarely overtly hostile with people in my real life. I don't subject anybody else to petulance and tantrums. Would it shock you to know how passive I am in most situations? I don't want to have to worry about getting upset and having to contain my temper in a conflict, so I find it best to avoid conflicts whenever possible. That usually means I don't set the boundaries that I would prefer for myself. Interacting with people is too exhausting/draining as it is.

Anyway, hope you are sleeping better.

**** you, t. Just, **** you. Thanks a whole heaping lot for making me feel unaccepted, ugly, and worthless. Brav-****ing-o. I think I may even hate you right now.

And that other thing you said - you're assuming that I'm even coming next week.

ok ok ok. i've calmed down now. i'll show up and we'll talk about it.

Maybe.

8 char

i'm nervous about speaking with you. this is a delicate situation i am starting in/going thru, and i don't want to over-share. so don't get mad at me if i stop mid-sentence or mid-thought! that just means my 'protective-ness' is kicking in.

also, i feel the need to say i'm sorry you are about to watch me go thru this. not totally sure why but i just do......

I’m sorry if I’m checked out tomorrow and not talking much. I’m obviously going to be very nervous. I’ll try though.

I would love to tell you every bad thing that is going on in my life. But I know you don't do long term therapy, so I don't. I don't feel I can open up when I am seeing someone else starting November. I don't trust you not to tell my parents. I am afraid that I would say what I've endured and you would report it. I would never forgive myself if he got hurt because I decided to share my personal life. I just can't open up. Sorry

At what point am I supposed to stop missing you?

I haven't seen you in person since the pandemic started. We got used to the streaming sessions. Not the same, but still helpful. Now you have Covid yourself and have had to take a couple of months off to recover. I'm worried about you and I appreciate that you still text me occasionally to let me know you haven't died. You said I could call if I need to but I don't want to bother you while you're recovering. I worry that you might not fully recover. I worry that you might not be able to go back to work ever. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. You gave me the name of another therapist if I have an emergency. What constitutes an emergency? The only thing we have is just to wait and wait and wait... I'm tired of waiting and that's not an emergency.

I would like to stop feeling ignore. I want to feel love. I want people to stop abandoning me. I want to feel good again. I want to feel save telling you the abuse I had suffered from my family, school without the fear of being yelled at.

Intrusive thoughts are back. It's been a while and I'm not sure what's triggered it. My dreams are all over the place too. The odd lovely one then nights of horrific ones and full on night terrors. I struggle to sleep at the best of times but this is draining the life outta me. Admittedly one part of me just wants to utch up with my head on your chest for some quiet time, but mostly i wish we could continue working together. At least then the dreams were less extreme and felt ike they served some purpose.

Please reply, I feel like an idiot.

Our last session was really good but rather than make me feel warm and fuzzy it makes me want to run.

Yes. No. Maybe I don't know can you repeat the question.

26 topics left to go through for the first time!

I'm not angry anymore.

Last session was so powerful.You were emotionally giving and when you sat down next to me I wanted to melt into my seat I was full of feelings I can not even explain. You created a corrective experience by truly apologizing and explain your side and authentically telling me I was and are not a burden to you and your message was clear that I am worth it.

I felt so liberated and light and no longer felt tortured. That feeling has lasted for 3 days now and I am not held in chains by my feelings for you. I do not care if it was a tactic taught to therapist it felt healing.