[Iamher3]

i have been seeing my T twice a week for several months, so you can imagine how dependent i am on him.

suddenly a life event happened. very unexpectedly. my daily routine life changed. everything changed. i could no longer keep my appts.

and with this event, my anxiety was very high and everything became so messy.

My T is the only one who knows all the details of my situation.
i have no one else to talk to.

i emailed my T a short email, saying i cant keep my appt. because this happened. he replied ok . if u r available. email me for an appt. ???

there was no mention of the event and the changes it brought.

i emailed back saying a lil bit more that hey i just can not...spelled it out better that its next to impossible to have a virtual appt and how i can not believe this all happened and my shock.

no response from him .

i was all alone in this. the person who knows of my situation,could not even offer 2 sentences of support.
disappointed. alone. anxious.

things were getting out of control and i really need to talk to someone ...so i just sent him an email saying hey. he did respond..saying schedule a session. i have clearly told him i can not? and he said asked how i was and i can write him a few lines telling him how i was doing.

well.

i word vomited.

i wrote to him how everything has been going wrong, despite me trying my best to adapt to the situation. it was hmm...mid length email.

its been 24 hours and he has not replied.

i feel stupid.

i feel unsupported.

like he will only be there in session , outside he is not available at all.

when i was SUI, he had said reach out to me if u need anything, even on weekends, and i told him i will be fine. i wont reach out. but thank you.

this time i needed him. i reached out.

and so far got nothing.

will write more later.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, I'm sorry. Do you know what his general email policy is? Some T's won't discuss anything "clinical" over email (which would include talking about your situation) either due to privacy/confidentiality concerns or because it's just how they run their practice. I wonder if your T might be like this? That being said, he still could have said *something* about the situation, like he's sorry you're dealing with it.

Is there any way you can even have a phone session with him? If the issue is, say, privacy at your home in terms of a virtual session, could you have a session by phone outside or in your car, something like that? If it's a financial consideration, like you lost your job and/or insurance and cant afford to pay for a session, your T may be able to help you out with that, with a reduced rate, letting you carry a balance, etc.

[ArtieTheSequal]

I agree with everything LT said. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much. I know that my longtime T (been seeing her almost 9 years now) won't do therapy over email, it's a boundary she set with me a long time ago. I did phone sessions for a good while when my t had lived out of state, and they worked fine - I would most often, sit in my car either in the parking lot at work or in my garage to talk to her. eta oh and i meant to say also that if your situation is financial related, that my t will do brief phone calls (around 10 minutes) at no charge, and I've taken her up on that a few times. And it's been enough, in those instances... maybe your t has a similar type thing?

[*Beth*]

I so understand your frustration and hurt. I will throw in here that my T will not do any therapy by email. She says it's not secure. Occasionally I email her just to connect. She almost never answers unless it's something really trite. But most of the time, not then, either.

[Iamher3]

its not financial.

he did not offer phone session.

just that he knows so much and how big of a deal this all is to me, and he chose to just ignore.

i still have not gotten a reply. i had sent the email early morning yesterday...been more than 24 hours...no acknowledgment.

not even ...lets schedule a session to discuss this when you have time ( i would have gotten the hint that he wont discuss this over email) ...or i understand/ i hear your frustration .

nothing.

like he does not even care.

i feel pretty stupid for pouring out my heart to someone and for them to ignore it.

i dont think i can go back working with this T.

i feel like my suffering makes zero difference to him. he read it and ignored it.

how am i seeing this guy twice a week ? arrghhh.

[Iamher3]

i am truly all alone in this mess. i had though T is with me. because i share everything with him.

[ArtieTheSequal]

I'm sorry, Iamher.

[Yzen]

I agree that he could have at least replied with some sort of support. I'm sorry he hasn't responded yet.

I wonder if he had something happen that is making him late to respond back to you. I hope he cares and was tied up with something unexpectedly. He could be working with someone else that is having a crisis or he is having a crisis himself. I was on a call for work recently and my coworker dropped from the call unexpectedly and it made me annoyed. I found out a few hours later that he had a fire in the house.

[Iamher3]

not like i need this from him...this week...

have enough going on already...and now this realization.

[Lostislost]

My T didn't get back to me for a while once and it was because his phone was broken. I didn't know that, was convinced he had blocked my number and abandoned me.

Could it be something like that? Maybe he has issues in his own life he is struggling with? Sorry you feel so alone, I'm glad you can talk to us here at least.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Perhaps if you need an appointment before your next scheduled one, call and see if an earlier appointment is available. I think, if I understand your original post, he did ask you to schedule an appointment to talk to him, so he seemed open to that, but you said that wasn't a possibility for you.

Can you call his office and leave a phone message asking for him to give you a call so you can talk? Email may not be the best way to discuss this.

[Iamher3]

He works solo at private practice.

We have never talked on phone. So it will be awkward.

He asked me to write a few lines how i was doing. I wrote plenty because i have absolutely no one to talk to. Not a single person except him.

When i cancelled the appt. my first email I summarized what happened. He wrote schedule an appt if u can to talk. This hurt as well because i needed more from him. I needed support but did not get it. I put On my big girl pants like ok i can do this. I dont need hand holding.

But i couldnt.

In desperation i reached out to him and just sent him an email with a single word. I didnt want to but hes the only one who could understand.
I couldnt even write a sentence because i was not sure if it was welcome.
I just hit sent without a thought. To my surprise he did reply in the morning. Saying he understands its difficult to make an appt. and i can reply with how i was doing.

Just to know someone at the other end , was listening ... gave me the courage to write how i felt.

Then dead silence.

He still hasnt replied.

I am certain if i send him an email for an appt. he will reply.

Theres a chance he didnt read my email and then theres a chance he did read it.

Not sure how to proceed.

I dont want to sound desperate by reaching out again.

A late response will be better than no response.
I hope i hear from him tomorrow.

[Salmon77]

I think you should ask for a phone appointment if you can't do a session in person or by video chat. It is okay to sound desperate and it is okay to feel awkward. Sometimes we have to go outside of our comfort zone to get what we need. It sounds like you are struggling a lot and it may help to discuss with him.

[ElectricManatee]

[Iamher3]

I did get a short reply.

he said sorry he couldnt get back to me earlier.

then a few sentences that didnt make much sense to my situation, seemed forced and cold. email ended abruptly.

i dont feel a connection at all with him. .

i am able to schedule a session with him next week, but i am not sure if i should.
maybe i will wait a week, as of right now i am just too disappointed.

i do want to send him a sarcastic email, but i feel thats childish and may sound like i am trying to pick a fight with him . it may not end well and i may end up being more hurt. i dont want to rock the boat for my own sanity right now.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Iamher3

I did get a short reply.

he said sorry he couldnt get back to me earlier.

then a few sentences that didnt make much sense to my situation, seemed forced and cold. email ended abruptly.

i dont feel a connection at all with him. .

i am able to schedule a session with him next week, but i am not sure if i should.
maybe i will wait a week, as of right now i am just too disappointed.

i do want to send him a sarcastic email, but i feel thats childish and may sound like i am trying to pick a fight with him . it may not end well and i may end up being more hurt. i dont want to rock the boat for my own sanity right now.

I'd go ahead and schedule a session and try to work through it. Don't send a sarcastic email (or express anger in an email)--from my own experience, those don't tend to go well.

You've said you don't normally email with him, right? It's possible he's just not good at email. It can be difficult to read tone in email, so you may read it as cold, even if it's not what he intended

[ArtieTheSequal]

I agree with LT about not sending a sarcastic email. I've done that too and in my experience it did not go well either. I think it's best to schedule a session and try to work through it, too.

[Rive.]

then a few sentences that didnt make much sense to my situation, seemed forced and cold. email ended abruptly.

What you wrote above is why he doesn't want to do therapy via email and why he kept suggesting you contact him for a session. Such written communication is not productive and easily misinterpreted.

You wanted an email reply. He apologised for the delay and sent you a reply. Now, you read the tone of the email as 'cold'. I am not blaming you - just that written communication *is* subject to misinterpretation as we don't hear the tone or see the person.

if you want support, speak to him. Email can only make things worse (he didn't reply or he didn't say what you expected him to or he did not address what you wanted etc. etc. etc.)

[*Beth*]

I agree with Rive.

[SalingerEsme]

I think therapists worry a lot about liability with email. He can't really evaluate how you are reacting deep down , and by replying he may be "treating" you in the eyes of the law. I'm not saying that is right, and I wish he'd written you a warm and supportive email.

I did have a therapist in the past four years who emailed with me often. In the end, it meant we wrote about myriad topics about which we could not talk. Our writing got far ahead of our talking , and it led, in part, to a disaster ending.

I'm now unwilling to regulate my own anxiety through the arrival of a therapist email in my inbox. It offers a dopamine hit or something, and the wait time between sending and getting an answer is oddly painful. I don't want all those feelings you're experiencing, and I think they are somewhat common to email bc of the power differential?

Lastly, and this isn't a popular opinion here , but I think therapist act very precious about email compared to other professions. I have to answer about 30 emails a day. Therapists overdo it on the "self care" imo, at least ones in private practice who see 20-25 clients per week. It is part of the privilege of having one's own business to be available to clients on a reasonable basis . I do understand that the frame and boundaries are important, but so is support and involvement .

All of this is to say, it is likely not personal, and more about the way your T conceptualizes the role of email. And maybe how tired out he is by the pandemic? However "not personal" is not warm in therapy , and bound to hurt your relationship.

I agree with LT to go if you can and say to him he hurt your feelings and why.

[SlumberKitty]

Former T let me email a lot and she emailed me back quite a bit. At times it was therapeutic but it was also pure agony waiting for her response, which sometimes never came. Regular T (current T) doesn't email but she does text, though we have never had a long text session. And it's not quite as traumatic waiting for the reply because I'm not getting into deep stuff that way. Pastor T emailed occasionally but I found that he responded pretty fast each time so I didn't have that agonizing wait.


All that to say, it is very difficult waiting for a response, especially in a time of deep pain or hurting. But even just generally. And then IMO, the response wasn't usually enough and didn't quell the fears or soothe the hurt enough. It helped but it was just like a bandaid.


I have discovered I do better not being able to email.

HUGS, Kit

[nottrustin]

I hope you and your T are able to work through this. Have the two of you had a discussion on email and the expectations you both have?

She doesn't really check her work email so we opted for texting. Even with texting she warned me she often forgets to check her work texts. We also discussed how she would respond to the texts. She asks that I put in whether I need a call back, etc. I did ask that if I didn't request a call back to please acknowledge that she received it. Some times it takes a couple if days to get a response from her but I knew that going in