Weird rupture in alliance

Our therapy wasn't dynamically-oriented. I did not remind T anyone from T's past, nor was our situation a repetition of any situations from T's past. What was at play here is T not trusting himself to accept T as competent helper if T did not fix an actual problem. I don't have the same problem, but our difficulties are stemming from the same base of having a vulnerable self-esteem.

Has there been a sexual attraction between the 2 of you?

Not that I know of.

Whoa. That must have felt pretty bad. I’m so sorry.

Humour me here, but let‘s try to imagine a best-case T-speak intervention for that situation:

“Client, I am noticing that lately it seems to me that we’ve gotten into a pattern of more informal-type chat and further from a therapeutic style of interacting. Is that an observation that you share? What do you think about that? […] As much as I enjoy chatting with you, and recognize the value of having some lighter sessions, I’d like to be more conscious of the fact that this is your therapy time.”

To me, it seems reasonable that a good T could get a bit derailed from time to time. Crying to YOU that THEY aren’t being professional? I’m not sure if the relationship can come back from that. Or if you want it to. As excruciatingly sad as it would be to let go of someone you care for so much, this relationship may have run its course.

I don't know if you are in the U.S. But, here we have a lot of psychiatrists that do psychotherapy. I mean I have tried out many psychiatrists for therapy and medication. If you need further help, I wonder if you could seek therapy from a psychiatrist and not a fellow therapist.

It's ok. It didn't feel bad per se, but it felt pretty weird. I mean personally for me the tears meant that we're now pretty deep and T could trust me enough that I wouldn't break and T can get honest about things and show what's inside. I know T does the best not to intrude. If anything T tends overdoing is distance, coldness, isolation and a professional wall of disguise. At times it was bothersome actually that T thought I wouldn't see through...perhaps an empathic failure in T's part? But usually I could handle that as my side of the contract of keeping boundaries. I know I am hypersensitive picking up cues from people, and T is no superman nor would I want T to be.

"Yes, we've gotten into that pattern, but I disagree on our sessions having less therapeutic effect. This more informal-type chats have been of immense help for me. In my perception we still have those basic boundaries in which I can grow. Our sessions are still about myself. It actually helps me to be honestly myself, by having you being real I can be real myself, I can get closer into what I am really feeling if you're human in this relationship. I can nurture a deeper connection with myself, with my emotions, my needs, my wants, how I actually work if I really let myself be, instead of pleasing whatever conditions I am imposed upon."

Not actual words, but we've had exchanges like this.

"I appreciate your concern. We're good on my part." - is something I would have replied, but we did never had this part of the talk. T would have known my answer.

It sort of has and sort of hasn't. I appreciate your concerns, but I am not sad at all. I feel warm and genuinely cared for when I think about that relationship.

I haven't thought of this... But I think I would be less comfortable with a psychiatrist than a psychologist. I just don't believe we would be a good match. I don't have any pathologies, I'm there for self-development and self-knowledge I can use and fall back to in my own work.

Thinking about it, it would feel pretty bad for me to have a relationship which offers medication to fall back to, no matter how professional it may be. I never had serious mental health issues unless you could say alienation and low self-esteem is such... No one in my family ever took an alprazolam pill, not parents, not siblings, not cousins. Don't get me wrong, I have multiple psychiatrist friends in my social circle, and I do read the books of MD's but there's something feels off visiting one. Maybe if the psychiatrist is humanistic-existentialist. I don't know. I don't like labels anyway.

CBT brainwashing

I don't understand

Sounds like your therapist is struggling with counter transference

As our sessions terminated with my original T, I've arranged for a new therapist. Let that person be T2. I know I shouldn't generalize from one experience, but so far it was pretty bad. I kept myself in therapy so that I have more experience on the client side. And it alarms me. I don't think I am a good client?

T2 is a strict professional. Has reasonable technical knowledge, impressive clinical experience and is said to be a person very serious about self-development. We've had three sessions so far. The first one was nice, I had good impressions, and really believed that I could have another ball rolling. Then as soon as we started session #2, I felt throughout as if T2 was the true client wanting to be the expert in how life works. T2's needs were much more prominent. I thought, OK, I give it a go. I also sensed, T2 genuinely wanted to help. But that was as real as it gets with T2. Maybe I have authority issues? I felt as if T2 consistently wanted to dominate me throughout the session, and I was in there as some semi-masochistic contender, like training as a martial artist, letting T2 do that, even to a point of succeeding - me losing control. Strangely by the end I felt a bit lifted, because had some fresh insight, but that's about it, I've been kind of tired and depressed since. This increased considerably after our session #3.

T2 constantly had this distant act, being The Expert, and I felt unsuitable, inappropriate and unfit. Both as a person and as a psychologist. T2 had an idea of what my core issues were, and I disagreed. But I acted like just as T2 diagnosed me (mild generalized anxiety disorder) because I could not connect with T2 on a human level. I've been fidgety, not able to connect to myself, but really trying, trying hard to prove my points, but losing my train of thought due to being nervous. My mind went blank multiple times...I was so cut from my experience, I didn't feel safe with T2, but I only recognize this now as I type, this was something I would not have admitted to myself during the session.

Which raises an important question for me.

Is T2 right, or am I right?

T2 says I am right, but I can see the disbelief. It's quite obvious dismissive tone of voice. A kind of "you'll figure it out kid, but let's have your way now" tone.

I'm feeling a bit weird talking to my ex-T about this. We've agreed not to be client & therapist ever again. I'll meet with my supervisor the next week. Not exactly a supervision question, but the best I can do for now.

It doesn't sound like T2 is the right therapist for you. Can you keep looking?

I don't see it as being 'right' or 'wrong'.

It's about subjective perception both on your and T2's part. T2 is not the expert on you. Then again, from how you present(ed), T2 may have formed an impression of you from what they see of you. It doesn't necessarily mean that either one of you is 'right'.

It does, however, seem that you may not be a good match for one another.

It seems like countertransference and codependency on her part.

Psychiatrists don't always prescribe medication. Just like doctors of other specialties do not prescribe medication for every single situation that a patient comes in for.

Hi Harper, I’d say, trust your instincts, you feel that T2 is domineering, and the relationship isn’t helpful, then maybe you are right? I think that therapy can make you doubt yourself over things like this. I think it’s really hard to find a good therapist, and it can take a bit of searching, but it’s worth it.

The colored portion of your post is what stood out to me. If you're needing to get an opinion from your former therapist, it is probably time to seek support from another therapist.