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Old 05-11-2021, 12:31 AM   #401
Lemoncake
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I'm nervous about my presentation today and actually thought I made a mistake cancelling the therapy session on the 15th.

Just three more days to get through for the rest of this week.
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Old 05-11-2021, 06:53 AM   #402
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I really hate when you use CBT. That is all for now.
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Old 05-11-2021, 08:01 AM   #403
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemoncake View Post
I'm nervous about my presentation today and actually thought I made a mistake cancelling the therapy session on the 15th.

Just three more days to get through for the rest of this week.
I survived! Just exhausted. The lead doc was nice and made jokes that he couldn't hear me and not to be nervous. Easy said then done in front of 21 people, but I also noticed that he flipped his chair around instead of facing me towards the others like he was doing with the first girl. I've wanted to be done with school for so long and now the moments finally here and I feel sad that it's over and everything's changing. I've actually grown attached to everyone in my group, despite trying hard not in the first year. Last teaching week and scrolling through instagram it feels like I've lived a lifetime in this year alone.
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Old 05-11-2021, 10:29 AM   #404
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Trying to breathe, and work, and look forward to my birthday.

Possible trigger:


In spite of it being my birthday on Thursday, I think I might need you to remind me (again) that there is absolutely no pressure for me to keep it together.

I've kept this appointment for a reason.
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Old 05-11-2021, 11:53 AM   #405
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Please lets have a good helpful appointment today!
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Old 05-11-2021, 01:28 PM   #406
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Why is it always awkward when I least expect it? Probably shouldn't have brought the drawing in. I have no idea how I'm getting through each day.
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Old 05-11-2021, 02:17 PM   #407
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Please don't cancel our appointment on Thursday! I'm not having the easiest time of it and really need to see you.
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Old 05-12-2021, 05:39 AM   #408
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Who is this other bozo you are setting me up with? She looks like a cave dweller, something which, under different circumstances, I would appreciate about someone. This tribe of yours is very strange.
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Old 05-12-2021, 08:49 PM   #409
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
I'm not sure how to process your willingness to talk to me tonight. I mean, I know I'll be billed for it. But that's OK. I just...I assumed you'd just say you'd talk to me Friday. Or possibly, if you had an opening tomorrow, offer me another session. Not that you'd talk to me at 8:40 on a Wednesday. I worry you think it wasn't a big enough deal, but you said you could tell I was really distressed. So that helps, I think? But...thank you. It means a lot.
Love,
LT
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Old 05-12-2021, 11:08 PM   #410
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Your dedication and willingness to go above and beyond the last month or so has triggered this intense shame in me. I donít feel like any part of me is worth this. Yet it seems so natural and effortless for you to do the things that youíve done. Itís given me a new perspective on what it means to be present for clients. I can see this period in our work greatly influencing the way that I work with clients in the future.
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Old 05-13-2021, 12:39 AM   #411
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Attention Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

what's the point of anything any more.........
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Old 05-13-2021, 03:34 PM   #412
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I canít believe I did that. This pain is awful. I donít know how to survive it. 2 months of horrendous sessions and I think Iím done, I donít see a way forward and Iím not sure you do either. Maybe we really will never meet again. The little ones worst fears realised. Trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma. Iím too broken and now Iím alone with all of this and i have no idea what to do with it
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Old 05-13-2021, 06:00 PM   #413
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I wish I truly felt, and believed, that I am doing as well as you keep telling me I am. I'm trying to be objective, though.
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Old 05-13-2021, 06:22 PM   #414
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
It occurred to me today that last night was probably the first time you've seen me intoxicated. Like, you've seen me after one drink before, but not after a few. I feel sort of awkward about that now. Kind of...exposed. And embarrassed. Maybe that needs to be a part of the discussion tomorrow, too...

Love,
LT
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Old 05-13-2021, 08:54 PM   #415
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hi T. Hope everything is good, and we have session tomorrow. I'm not doing great this week and hoping talking to you will help.
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Old 05-14-2021, 12:41 AM   #416
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Frankly, Iím glad to not see you until next week. 4 hours of therapy in a week is just too much. And I am eternally grateful for your willingness to walk this path with me for now.
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Old 05-14-2021, 03:26 AM   #417
Lemoncake
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I rebooked the session I cancelled for tomorrow. New T G emailed on the 12th asking If there was anything he could do to support me.

Then in another email in response to mine with all of this validation stuff. It just seems so fake and his response makes me want to cancel again. It's tomorrow at 10am.

If I'm being honest I feel scared.and my b***** attitude is just a front. I don't think I deserve kidness. My head is messy can I really get paeds done? What about after that with my retake internal exam?

"What if it hurts like hell?"

Then it will hurt like hell.
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"Love, like life, flows
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Feel the thrill of the flow
And say nothing."


Last edited by Lemoncake; 05-14-2021 at 04:45 AM..
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Old 05-14-2021, 11:24 AM   #418
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I hope our first in person session goes well. It will be pretty weird for me to be in an office because Iíve only had 2 in person sessions since March 16th 2020. Iím wondering what to wear and if youíd like one of my button up shirts since you like to non judge mentally comment on my shirts. Also will you be eating anything?
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Old 05-14-2021, 11:55 AM   #419
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
Thank you for being warm and understanding today. And for joking around a bit. I still feel awkward about your seeing me that way, but I actually wonder if it ultimately was a good thing for you to see me in that state? You said I seemed much more emotional than I typically am. So maybe it's good in a way that you got to see "Uncensored LT"? That maybe it helped you understand better how I can crash emotionally at times.
Love,
LT
PS: Happy Belated Birthday!
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Old 05-14-2021, 05:09 PM   #420
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Default Re: Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Why are you doing this?
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