Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hi ,

The last Lord of the rings movie ends with" How do you pick up the threads of an old life, how do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?"

I don't feel like I am the same person I was just 16 weeks ago and therapy isn't something that feels right for me in this moment or something I want to continue with anyone else.

Since we last spoke, I also passed my paeds exam two days ago on the 28th and now have just one last exam in June to go before I'm actually finally done and graduate.

For me our last rupture was about all about email contact in november, and I feel like our roles have reserved now. it wasn't just about email, but my history too which you already knew.I feel like you couldn't understood why getting a reply in that moment was important to me. Also I felt that you changed the rules without telling me and weren't consistent.

Quotes from 5th december 2020.

R:"You expected an answer?"
S: "Yes I did."
R: Despite the evidence?

This exchange also really hurt at the time:
S: "No. I needed you too Mr S and you weren't there".
R: I'm sorry, I don't know why my computer's making noises.

You couldn't hear or see me.

S

P.s I also still said I would collect the books but if you posted them to my brother I would refund the postage.

I feel like we’re moving away from therapeutic sessions into something else - art, offers to teach me how to cook etc and politics - but me being who I am, not sure what to do! Maybe I just have a narrow idea of what therapy can be, or is that just benefit of the doubt talking? Anyway, the political aspect of yesterday’s conversation was super interesting, if incredibly heavy and we only scratched the surface. If only individual will was enough to change the world...

I'm tired and I miss you.

Hey T. Can't believe I told you that I am afraid you are mad at me. That is talking about our relationship, which you know I do not like. Now I anxiously await a reply. I hope you are not out of town and I have to wait until Tuesday.

Thank you for singing a Lovingkindness Mediation chant, and sending it to me. May you be smiling, may you know peace. . .

'You can dream the American dream
But you sleep with the lights on
And wake up with a scream
You can hope against hope that nothing will change
Grab a hold of that fistful of rain...'

- Warren Zevon

Strange few days - high emotion in others means high anxiety in me.

Time is moving so slowly how is it not Wednesday yet?

You’re the best. <3

To be honest I think I was actually doing okay until I replied back to your email which I didn't ask for.

The post paeds exam high is fading and has been replaced with new exam prep lows.

I also feel pressure from my brother who just can't understand why I don't want to jump straight into working and thinks my idea of a extended break after I finish is ridiculous- but unlike him I didn't stay in London. He has had the option of going back home every week if he wanted to and had housemates. I lived alone and I haven't been home in more then 9 months. The highlight of my area has been the local supermarket.

I just feel like school took so much out of me that I want to recover and not be thrown into a new environment before I'm ready. if that's selfish then so be it. I can't look after anyone else until I put myself first.

T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T T the waiting is UNBEARABLE

I am not going to email you, despite being drunk. Oh actually, even as I typed that, I changed my mind. This wouldn't be nearly so torturous for both of us if only you paid me constant attention. What else are you doing that is so important? Why aren't you as preoccupied with me as I am with you? Whatever. You stink and I am pouring another glass.

Dear T,
I'm glad we ended up discussing the comics. It made me feel connected to you and, at the same time, connected to some positive memories from my childhood. And that you were talking about what your son likes--I feel like you tend to avoid really bringing him up, so it meant something that you did. And your showing me a book from his shelf, it made me feel let in.


This is one of those things that wouldn't happen with in person (the showing the book). So it makes me feel a tiny bit better that we aren't back to in person yet. But of course I still want to be back sooner than later...

Love,
LT

I'm really worried about us. I'm not sure how I can see you for 5 years and after everything that's happened...this session you tell me to be my own best friend and sit with myself and listen to my worries? What do you think I have been doing this whole time? I feel more alone and scared now. I wish I knew what was happening with you.

It’s been a good 2 weeks since I stopped dwelling on old T. But I never want to feel that way again. That was 2 months of being in a deep depression where I could barely function and I just had to just deal with it for 1.5 months until my move. For 2 months I thought non stop about her. I even emailed her asking if she was going back to in person like my Pdoc said. It feels good to not think of her much and only be focusing on new T and my goals with her. But I guess if I’m still mentioning her I do still feel a bit for her and I feel sad that I’m forgetting her. But it’s also more of an annoyance that I forget about people after awhile.

I guess once I found out on Friday that me and my current T have the same issue that stresses us out she’s been much more relatable then I first thought.

Dear T,
The cancelled concert thing is really affecting me...like it's sent me into a downward spiral. It just is making me feel rather hopeless...And your not resuming in person yet isn't really helping. It all ties into how some things are better, but aren't back to normal yet. The concert being postponed an entire year (for the second time) makes me wonder how long it will really take to get back to some level of normal? Like, I get that COVID might always be there in some form, sort of like the flu, but I want to be able to go to an outdoor concert... I'm just sad... Maybe I need to just pick one of the other outdoor concerts going on there and get tickets for it, and cross my fingers that it won't be canceled. I just want something to look forward to (that isn't over a year away).
Love,
LT

Again, you have more belief in my ability to change than I do. Yes, I've made some very positive changes, but when it comes to extreme anxiety...I don't understand how I can change it.

Hi T. If you knew this, do you think its weird that I haven't told you I started running again? I think I am afraid that if I am doing too "good," you will tell me I don't need therapy anymore. I only deserve it if I am very depressed and that's it.

I told T last night right now it seems like so many peoples lives are going back to normal yet mine is not changing. I work in a hospital so have gone to work everyday and have been short staffed, I will be required to wear a mask for a long time if not permanently, my T and pdoc appointments are still virtual, and because of my husband's medical issues I still wear a mask wherever I go. We have not returned to church or anyplace with a large number of people.

God, you are so full of bu11$hit. Do you embarrass yourself?

I hope you are having a nice time away. See you in just under one week.

The song Broken reminds me of us. I’m not sure that’s how you feel but we do have a lot of things in common.

I am frustrated. While you did nothing wrong other than perhaps having bad timing, yesterday's appointment ended with me being an emotional wreck.

Where I am at the moment feels a lot like suspended animation. I don't know what to do to get to the other side of that. I've been resisting my journal, because actually writing this down makes it real.

Dear Dr. K. Can you, in fact help me? I wonder......maybe I am beyond all help. Kit

Dear T

I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to lie about my food intake.

I really don't want to be dishonest with you. But I feel like it's my only choice.
Just so you know, this will be the first time I'm doing so.
And just so you know, it's just because I so desperately need you.